Yesterday was an extremely hard day. It seems that being away from our home base is more difficult than either of us imagined. Being surrounded by family really helps and we definitely feel loved here but we have tremendous security being in our own home, the one we shared with the girls, near the space they went to Heaven.
It seems as we move through our grief, whether it’s private or public, we are finding this blog to be very healing. Tom and I recognize that this life we have here on earth is forever changed and we have made a commitment to each other and to God that we will proceed by listening to Him and doing what he tells us to do. This road right now is hard and some days I don’t feel like participating, yesterday was one of those days. Other moments, like this morning, I see how God is so brilliantly working and I smile in amazement as I see how pieces of my life are fitting together like a puzzle.
This morning I woke up with an aching heart, as I do many mornings. It may have been a dream I don’t remember or just going to bed last night feeling overwhelmed with emotion for my kids, either way I knew I needed to grab my computer and start looking at photos. In no time I ended up in this space reading over past blog posts, looking at pictures and reading comments made from people both near and far. The comments that people leave in this space of ours are so thoughtful and loving. I read them all and appreciate all of the prayers and encouragement. Once again I felt the arms of God wrapping around me and found myself filling the gap of my morning with trust in him.
My brother and I are now sitting on the couch watching a movie. Little ones are napping, teens are shopping, mom and dad are getting ready to visit with friends and Jeff and I are kicking back on the couch. Much needed quality time with my little brother.
I often would share stories with the girls about my love/hate relationship with my brother. When we were young, the girls age, we hated each other and annoying was a constant part of our vocabulary. I would tell Abigail that if she ignored Anna pushing her buttons, like I ignored Jeff so many years earlier, she would leave her alone. It didn’t work for my girls and it never worked for me. I was always hopeful though.
Jeff would hide in my closet for hours waiting for my friends and I to come into my room. I guess he was desperately wanting to hear our deepest darkest secrets, or just be totally annoying. Unfortunately for him, I would figure out he was in there and yell down to my mom that he was bugging us, oftentimes using the same exact words that Abigail would yell down to me. We fought a lot as kids, like most siblings I’m assuming.
I’m not sure what I would do without my brother now, both brothers. I cherish our relationship and the relationship they both had with my girls. The three of us are so completely different in so many ways and through this journey I am realizing that is ok. It was ok that my girls fought and called each other annoying because their foundation for each other was built on love, just like my brothers and I .
I love that I have so many photos and memories of my girls yelling Uncle Jeff or Uncle Bill in my parent’s back yard when we would come for a visit. I love that they both talk about my girls to their kids and keep their memories alive. I love that they both married the most amazing women, that I truly love, and feel blessed to call my sister-in-laws. I love that I have two amazing brothers that, in a heart beat, will be my side and will let me cry on their shoulder.
Jeff is now sound asleep on the couch and I think for good old times sake I will give him a wet willy….just to be annoying!
love-drenched-life.com 
Susan, I am a couple days behind on reading your blogs. This one brought tears to my eyes because you just put your emotions into words so perfectly. Never again will I complain when having a tough day. You are truly my personal inspiration. May The Lord continue to give you strength. With continued love and prayers. 💗💗
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So glad to see pictures of Jeff and Anna….how nice that you all are able to spend time lifting each other up during this rough road….hugs to you all♥
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The Meeuwsens are missing you too. Greg often asks me, ‘what time is it where Tom is?’ Your family is wonderful….I must admit I’m tempted to do a little ‘annoying’ of my own now. 🙂 ……PRAYING WITHOUT CEASING
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Oh Susan and Tom….. I am so drentched in tears today… More less a silent ache for your loss. As a mother listening, reading and being in your moment of grief.. I understand how it is you both continue! It is because you have a mutual bond between your selves That has faced life’s hardest hurtle.. The loss of your precious little girls. I believe with all my heart that your angels are your glue.. I don’t know you guys I don’t even have to because your so open and honest candid and giving of your memories I feel as though I was sitting along side the ottoman watching your love drenched life unfold. Peace be with you and for you. Surely God does not make the way of distruction but in the way of renewal and rebirth. God is a great creator or reguventating something from nothing.. I am sending you some of my motherly love to nurture your aching hearts that god may heal them in time. Fear is a powerful weapon of distruction which can manifest other distructive self mutalating enemies. Be aware of fear but cast fear to god and stand in Light.. Because fear is not from light more less of darkness. Be calm and serene and all things of peace and love lavender & Camille will flow your way.
God bless you:) £> £> £>
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Oh Susan I was in tears at the beginning of your blog and as I read through it I got a chuckle when you talked about Jeff in the closet. I’m sure you remember waking up at my house with Jenni sitting in the corner of my room staring at us. I would always kick her out and tell her to leave us alone. Jenni and I are very close today just like you are with your brothers! It so natural for siblings to argue and get annoyed with each other but the bond they share with each other is so strong! Through all your post and pictures its such a beautiful thing to see how much Anna and Abigail love each other and what a special bond they share!!
I think and about you and pray for you constantly and I look forward to reading your post and blogs every day! I love you Susan!!
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Oh Lisa…how memories of our childhood are so tangled with memories of my little brother and your little sister trying desperately to be part of what we were doing. Love you so much and all of our memories together!
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Oh, Susan, pushing buttons and being annoying is a younger sibling’s language of love (as the baby of the family, I know of what I speak). Your girls truly understood that, I suspect. And now they are joking about it together. Much love tonight and always.
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I am one of the many, many that are thinking of you, praying for you, loving you. We all wish that we could wrap our arms and our prayers around you and take away a bit of that pain. I so treasure getting to know Anna and Abby and YOU and Tom and all of your family through your blogs and photos. It was neat to see some “Susan” in your brother’s handsome face. We will all hold our loved ones a little closer.
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My thoughts and prayers are with u, I am so sorry and wish for peaceful and pain free days for u.
XO
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Driving home from family Christmas weekend with that same ache in my heart that is familiar to all our family. With that ache also comes an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for the family and extended family that God blessed us with. It was wonderful to smile share and support each other. I am so proud of you Susan and Tom for giving us so much strength. I am so grateful that when you leave this family unit there is your Forest Grove family and your safe haven to go back to. I am also grateful to be able read your words, reflect on family pictures and express my thoughts and heal together. I love you.
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I prayed for you in church today. I know how much you miss your home. I could go down the alley to light your candles tonight since you’re in Ohio.
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Your blog is healing to those of us who didn’t even know we needed healing. I am so glad it is helping you. Love, love, love.
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Sorry to hear you had such a hard day…. But so glad your home has become a refuge you can count on. I love getting to know your girls and family through your words and photos. I imagine you have great things in store, and when the hard days hit, we all are here for you. In the meantime, I suspect I am not the only one thinking that I should give my brother a call. Sounds like you have great siblings!
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I absolutely love the picture of your brother and Anna looking out the window. Her eyes are so intense and wise looking. Makes me wonder what she was looking at. Continued prayers and hugs for you and your awesome family.
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I cannot imagine that cute little kid being annoying!!!! For me it was the older one that drove me nuts. I’m so glad you are all together right now giving each other support and love
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We miss you and Tom here at home. More than anything, I wish I could pluck your girls from heaven for you. The desire is so strong and difficult to always feel. While God can’t change what happened, God can inspire others to fill in the gaps with his love. Puppies, kind gestures big and small and people who will walk beside you and offer to carry your heavy burden is all God helping to fill in the gaps. We love you both and are continuously praying for you both throughout the day. Just the simplest prayer for peace for the moment for you both is frequent. Dear Lord, please continue to be present for Tom and Susan and bring your peace and strength in each moment when heartache feels too unbearable. Peace on you both like a dove. Holding you both up in prayer. Love sent from home. We love you both.
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We love you too Drew family…thank you for being there for us and for your continued prayers. How about dinner at our house when we get back into town..Paleo style!
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Absolutely! Looking forward to it. Bill is also looking forward to some brews and bible study with Tom. Big hugs sent from home. We’ve been keeping an eye on the house.
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Susan, Bill wanted me to tell me that he’s gone Neolithic- 2nd ice age diet. Frozen dinosaur smoothies! He says at paleo is so yesterday. Neolithic is the way he’s going. He says “paleo = old Stone Age”, “Neolithic = New Stone Age”. His feeble attempt to be cool and funny. He’s still a geek. Sorry to torture you with his dumb humor! We’ll get together when you get home. Missing you both.
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