This week I decided to go back and read some of my early posts in this space. When I looked at the date of my very first post, I realized today has been one year since I started this process of writing my thoughts and sharing our love drenched life.
After the girls went to Heaven a dear friend of mine suggested that I journal my thoughts and feelings. She gifted me this space as a way to do just that. At first I hated this idea because I don’t like writing. In the past I’ve been known to spend days writing an email or putting off any writing assignment due to the very last minute. Give me a paint brush or sewing machine and I can create for hours. Give me a piece of paper and a pen and I would draw an immediate blank.
Needless to say, I was resistant at first, but found that I didn’t have to search for words when trying to express what I was feeling or recalling a memory of my girls ~ the words just flowed ~ something that I continue to be in awe over.
This space of mine has meant the world to me. It gives me a place to process, remember, share, grieve and celebrate our family love story. I usually don’t know what I’m going to write when I sit down in front of my computer. I just pray that God will be present in the process and I feel that he always has been ~ even when there are no words.
This space has been crucial in getting through my days without my girls. Sometimes when my heart is aching more than I can bear I come to this space as a release. It has given me a place to document memories and intimate details of our lives together that I don’t want to ever forget. It also brings some memories, otherwise forgotten, to the forefront. I love when I am writing about one memory I may have about the girls and that triggers a flood of others…sometimes I can’t write fast enough.
The process of finding the perfect photograph is also very calming in that, to find the perfect one, I have to sift through hundreds of others which allows me to remember and see those smiling faces over and over again. This process almost always includes finding a new treasure.
The most important aspect of this process of writing is the connection I have with Anna and Abigail when I’m letting my mind just go. I often keep myself very busy to avoid the unbearable pain that lives in my heart. When I write, I sit at my desk, in a quiet room and just think about them and what they mean to me. They are constantly on my mind, but for the few hours a day that I write, I am doing so without distraction and with intention. One may say this is part of my healing ~ I say this is one of the ways I mother my girls now. Their physical bodies are no longer present but I feel I am taking care of them when I’m writing and sharing their lives.
Like I said, I’m not a writer and when I began this process a year ago I was really nervous about my grammar and making sure all my t’s were crossed and i’s were dotted. My editor, Tom, reads each post before I push publish and makes sure what I’m writing is clear and grammatically correct (any mistakes are his fault). He usually sends my draft back with a few sentences about how much he loves our girls and how much he misses them. I think this process has also allowed him to stop in the middle of his busy work day and reflect. I know it connects us in new ways too ~ sharing stories, processing our feelings about this journey and most importantly continually reflecting on how God is present in all of it.
I am so grateful for all the kind words of love and encouragement that people share. I sit, often in tears, and read through each comment and am amazed at how we are all connected in this world. There have been a couple of times when I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing by writing in this space, this came after some criticism about how I have chosen to grieve. Your comments and encouragement show that my choice to write is exactly what I should be doing. Thank you!
Thank you for your support and for joining us in celebrating our Love-Drenched-Life. I decided when I started this process that I would write in this space as long as I felt moved to do so.
Our love story will never end so I’m sure I will be writing for a long time.