Brave

Posted bySusan Dieter-RobinsonPosted inAnna, Grief

I want to write that this week was amazing, beautiful and everything I hoped my first week back at work would be.

Unfortunately I can’t write those words because they would not be true.

This week was hard, very hard.

Last year Tom and I left town at the beginning of the school year to take the sting away and not to subject ourselves to the pain we knew we would have while watching kids walk down the street that first week of school ~ something that was always so exciting and fun for our own family. This year I am immersing myself into that world ~ not sure if that was the best decision for my heart at this point.

I feel I’m pretty transparent so I kept my conversations with new staff to a minimum, in fear I would not be able to stop crying if I started~ something I very rarely do outside my home. Tom got most of my emotion and frustration in the evening or during one of our many phone calls this week. He has held me all week, checking in and reassuring me of options we have. I truly don’t know what I would do without him.

I knew diving back in would be difficult but I didn’t realize how difficult it would be. I haven’t slept much because I have a very active mind and when you add something, primarily stress, to it other things tend to creep in. Almost every night this week, typically starting at 1 am, I find myself going back in time and reliving my nightmare.  I can’t stay in this cycle because I know that it is not good for me or our new little one. We both need rest, a clear head and to stay as stress free as possible ~ something I’ve learned while managing my post traumatic stress.

So what now?

These next few months (ok, the rest of my days) will not be easy and I’m not going to pretend they will be. I have to remember always that I have a choice and, in making that choice, I get to decide what is healthy for me and for our family. I can’t say if going back to work is healthy or not yet, but what I can say is that I don’t want to give up just yet.

I’m not sure what will happen next week when the students come into the gym excited for another year of school. I’m not sure how my heart will feel when the 3rd graders walk through my doors ready to learn.

Anna would be in 3rd grade this year.

It seems like just yesterday she was nervous about starting 1st grade at a new school but excited that it was a school that her mama taught at. We walked down the hall that first day and she held my hand tightly, then, as we were saying goodbye, she whispered in my ear, “I love you mama, I’ll miss you.” She then walked to her desk, looked back and flashed me the “I Love You” sign, as she did every time I saw her at school.  She was brave that day and I was so proud of her.

Next week when my students enter the gym I’m going to focus on Anna loving that her mama is a teacher and on how brave she was when starting fresh in new surroundings.

I’m going to lift my head high, welcome my students and I’m going to be brave for my girl.
Walking first grade

That is all I can do.

14 thoughts on “Brave”

  1. I wish there were some way to take even a little bit of your pain and carry it for you but I don’t know how that could be. I hope you can find a little peace from time to time.

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  2. I love reading your posts and your transparency. I continue to learn from you and your description of brave is a perfect description of how I see you. You are not hiding from life, you are pushing forward when most people couldn’t. I continue to admire you and Tom and know you’ll get some extra fairy dust from heaven to continue strengthening your ability to be brave. Good luck and you’ll be in my prayers.

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  3. Now it is Anna’s turn to be proud of you, and of how brave you are being for her. No doubt she will be right there by your side as your helper on that first day, maybe that will make it easier. ❤ Stay Strong

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  5. None of us expect anything more than what you can do at any moment Susan. You are brave and such a wonder! Prayers to you and for you and Tom as this new year begins. I didn’t know Anna but I sure knew Abby and I treasure the memories. Love and peace to you and your family.

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  6. Thank you for your honesty in your blog. I’m so sorry it is so difficult. Now I know better how to direct my prayers. Praying the the Joy that comes from the Lord will be your strength. Love you.

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  7. Thank you for your honesty in your blog. Now I know how to direct my prayers for you. Hang in there… one foot in front of the other. Love you!

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  9. Thinking of you always, but this week probably more. One of the words I’ve heard over and over again, as we move through this week, is “challenge”. Susan, you are so brave to take on the challenge of a new job, and, the “challenges” that will come with this new job. I can only imagine how proud of you, your girls must be. They know, that they have an amazing mother…💗 And what an example you have set!

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  10. Susan, I have been thinking a lot about you and you going back to work, working with kids as you do, as I did! You are a brave soul, but please remember just living our lives without our kids is brave! If it is too soon for you, too hard for you, please take care of yourself and your new little one. You don’t need to prove, be or do anything that you can’t handle! Just being you is brave enough! Hugs to you and to your new little one!

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