On Sunday I didn’t want to go to church, I didn’t want to be in a play anymore and I definitely didn’t want to get out of bed. It has been harder, days seem longer and the time here on earth is passing slowly ~ at least that’s what it feels like to me.
I sat in counseling yesterday and shared that I felt depressed ~ something I don’t like to admit.
My depression is not of hopelessness though, it’s just an overwhelming sense of longing ~ longing to see their faces in the flesh and not on a computer screen.
On Sunday I sluggishly got out of bed and got ready for church. My heart was very sad.
Pastor Rocky was preaching on a series entitled And He will be Called, where each week Pastor Rudy, and this week Pastor Rocky, examine the scripture Isaiah 9:6 “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” This week Pastor Rocky was going to be looking at Everlasting Father. He opened with stories about his childhood and his relationship with his own father.
Like I said at the beginning, I didn’t want to go to church this week, mainly because I was tired but also because my longing for my girls was surpassing my peace. I’ve been struggling a lot lately trying to figure out who I am now and how I fit into this world. Yes, God blesses us everyday and I see clearly how he is using our suffering for His glory, but even with clearly seeing God’s Glory I still struggle.
I’m a mom and I’m trying to mother my children the best way I know how ~ even now that they are no longer here with me. Mothering my children from this distance is tiring and very hard to do. I miss mothering my children in the way I used to. My heart hurts in ways I would never wish upon anyone…this pain is unimaginable and every day when I wake up and realize within seconds that this life isn’t a dream but my reality I want to go back to sleep. I hate that Anna isn’t going to run down the steps any moment and cuddle with me in bed.
Every morning I wake up asking the question, who am I now?
Pastor Rocky is an amazing story-teller. I’ve enjoyed his sermons time and time again, but on Sunday I just wanted it to be over. I was tired of his stories and really couldn’t find any relevance to my life in what he was saying. I kept thinking about my own story, my own relationship with my earthly father and with my Heavenly Father and how both were solid. I knew that God was my Everlasting Father ~ no need to keep preaching about it. When was he going to stop talking?
My mind drifted to the last time we went to church as a family, October 20th, 2013, and how I sat nudging Abigail, hoping she was listening to Pastor Rudy preach about filling our gaps with trust ~ it was so relevant to our relationship at the time (pre-teen daughter and mother trying to figure it all out). I sat thinking about how excited Anna was that they finally had the treasure box store on a day she was there. She was loaded with gold coins and able to clean house…she was thrilled that all of her paying attention and remembering to bring her bible each week paid off.
I had no idea that was our last day together.
My eyes filled with tears ~ he was still preaching.
As the time grew near for him to end his sermon he shared the scripture Hebrews 13:8, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Again, how was this relevant? He asked us to replace Jesus Christ with our own names and then asked if that was a true statement for us. Are we the same as we were yesterday and will we be the same in the future?
I felt a nudge and my eyes filled with tears.
I have been trying to define who I am in terms of my ever-changing circumstances through a life that is unpredictable. I am not the same person I was on Oct. 19th, 2013 nor will I be the same person 10 years from now. No matter what my circumstances in life I will always be changing, growing and searching for the answer to the question, who am I?
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”
No matter what my circumstance there is only one thing in my life that has and will always be constant and that is Christ. He is my constant and His love for me has not changed since before I was born and will continue for all of eternity.
He is the same as He was when I was running around in diapers and fighting with my brothers, He is the same as He was when I made bad choices in my teenage years, He is the same as He was as I drove across the country to start my life new life Oregon, He is the same as He was on the day I looked into Anna’s eyes for the first time, He is the same as He was one day I met Tom and knew he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, He is the same as He was when He wrapped His arms around me as I watched the unimaginable happen in front of my house, He is still the same as I sit here praying for the right words to represent my thoughts and He will be the same when I arrive in Heaven and am in His presence.
He is the same and is constant and He loves me no matter who I am.
Christ is Love, He is Peace, He is Joy, He is my Strength and my Comforter. He is the Way, the Truth and the Light.
Who am I? I am a daughter of Christ, my Wonderful Counselor, my Mighty God, my Everlasting Father and my Prince of Peace ~ and that is enough. THAT IS ENOUGH!!!
My prayer and plan is to trust that fact when I have a hard time finding meaning, or purpose or when the longing for my girls is unbearable. I trust that my Heavenly Father is taking tremendous care of Anna and Abigail in Heaven just like He is taking care of me.
I definitely felt Abigail’s nudge at the end of Pastor Rocky’s sermon ~ I’m filling the gaps with trust in Christ.
As I was finishing up this post a dear friend sent me this on Facebook…it couldn’t be more perfect!
He tenderly wipes the tears from my eyes every day and I am so grateful to be His.