I would wait till she was awake before I left. We would cuddle a bit and then I would get my running clothes on. The deal was she could stay in my bed and watch cartoons till I returned. Some days it was easy to slip away and other days she didn’t want me to leave. I would tell her I would only be an hour and then we would have all day together ~ she was usually fine with that especially when she knew Tom was in the kitchen making pancakes for breakfast.
This is how our weekends usually started.
For the past year it has been very difficult to get back into my running/walking routine. It is very easy to talk myself out of leaving the house and get moving~ it’s too hot, too cold, it’s raining, I’m tired, I’m not feeling well, I’m to sad.
This morning, Tom had some running around to do so I decided that I needed to get out, take Linus for a walk and enjoy the brisk clear morning. I contemplated whether or not I should take my earphones as a distraction from my own thoughts. I will be honest and say that sometimes not having a distraction is very scary ~ the memories of the night they went to Heaven can be unbearable. I have become very skilled at avoiding triggers but sometimes my mind will just go there.
I decided to bring the earphones just in case and of course a pocket full of Love Rocks.
Linus and I headed to the B Street Trail…one of his favorite places to go. As we walked down the trail my mind wandered: favorite memories of riding our bikes with the girls; playing in the snow up on the mountain and then smiling at the fact that Anna hated to be cold which then lead me to thinking of her being warm, snuggled in my bed, watching Curious George and waiting for my return.
She’s not there ~ I grabbed for my earphones.
Hearing something Linus stopped and looked overhead ~ I followed. Flying directly above us, maybe 20ft, was a red tail hawk using the B Street Trail as a runway, guiding it to a tall tree that sat next to the trail. It landed on a high branch and sat watching us, at least I felt as though it was watching us.
I smiled, grateful for a gentle reminder to stay present and allow my mind to just be. In that moment I felt so much Love and Joy.
I put my earphones back in my pocket.
This morning my walk was love-drenched and it was exactly what I needed to start my day. My mind did go to places that hurt but what I’m realizing is that, as hard as I try to avoid it sometimes, it will always hurt.
It hurts because I love and that LOVE ~ our LOVE ~ I wouldn’t trade for the world.