Wrapping the Ache in Love

alice roomThe words come when I’m in the shower or on a walk with Alice but when I sit down to write ~ nothing.

It’s a bit frustrating because in the past, when I wrote more often (which I long to do now), once I put my thoughts into words they were released ~ now they are trapped and I have a list a mile long of thoughts and feelings I want to get out but can’t seem to find the right words or the time.

Alice, Tom and Linus are out for their evening walk and I’m feeling moved to sit and write…I’m going to see what happens.

My emotions are all over the place.

I am happy, sad, struggling, content, missing, longing, in love, at peace and frustrated. There are no books about what my heart is going through and even if there were I think this road I am on is very individual.  The emotions of bringing a new life into the world along with the intense missing my heart feels are very difficult to navigate at times and that’s without the hormonal component my body and mind are enduring.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I have this new little life to take care of and to love, meanwhile my heart so desperately longs for Anna and Abigail. I’m afraid that loving her with my whole heart will take away from how I love Anna and Abigail with my whole heart.  I have the head knowledge to know that I shouldn’t feel guilty and that I do have enough love for all of my children, but my heart and emotions drift to a place of guilt often – which I truly feel is directly entwined with my feelings of longing and missing.

I often just sit and think about how much I wish I could share with Anna and Abigail the love I have for Alice ~ share with them face to face.

I just wish we were face to face ~ cheeks touching like before.

Alice loves to press her face into mine. When she’s eating she loves to lock eyes with me and when she is done she lays on my lap and just stares at me ~ usually breaking out into a huge smile every time our eyes meet. She loves her mama so much and I adore her.

When I look at her what I see is pure love and when she smiles at me her love wraps around my aching heart and holds it tight. The range of emotions I feel are part of life now, as is the pure love I feel from Alice ~ I just wish I could release the guilt even though I hear Anna whispering often that it is ok to love her baby sister as much as my heart loves her.

It’s ok to love her as much as Anna even though I never thought my heart could love anyone that much again.

The nightly walk is over and it’s time to get ready for bed.

12 thoughts on “Wrapping the Ache in Love

  1. There is another momma who has been experiencing similar thoughts & feelings as you. I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned her to you yet. She blogs at babyboybakery.com. She has a baby girl about the same age as your Alice. She is a sweet soul. When you have an opportunity you might enjoy reading her blog. I continue to keep your lovely family in my prayers.

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  2. I do not even begin to understand your grief…
    But may I say… you are doing a marvelous job… thank you for sharing here. It is not an easy thing to be honest and vulnerable. Prayers and hugs.

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  3. I know it must take you forever to even begin to attempt to put your feelings into words, but the end result is beautiful ❤ You have no idea how much I pray for you to be able to live a love drenched life everyday, and I pray to God to take your ongoing ache away. I know Alice is subconsciously loving your heart so much on purpose, like she knows you need it…. Sending never ending love and prayers your way Susan. I love you ❤

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  4. Susan, i can only imagine the trials your heart and soul are conquering. Little Alice is so blessed to have you as her loving mother. I am sure we can all tell you not to feel that guilt, but know that that just wouldn’t stop it. I am confident, however, that God will assist you in finding the right way to find peace in everything. Don’t forget that Anna is somehow well aware of her sister and loving her .. and so very proud of you. She is with you and giving you the strength you need. Abigail too. They know the love you are capable of giving and happy to have a sister with you that you can share with her. Alice isn’t just a blessing from you and Tom’s love for each other. She is a blessing from.God … and a blessing from your girls. It’s ok to have moments of confusion. It’s then both girls are there with you in your whole being. Today I got some devasting news about a health issue and spent hours crying and being scared. Then I read your post here and I stopped! You are such an inspiration to me, and to so many others, trying to move on with life and having some confusion. You are so blessed, and see it in every look at that beautiful baby girl. Just as you were in looking into Anna’s eyes. Sending you warm hugs and thoughts .. and praying God gives you some sign about how this was meant to be. Your love and faith will.lead you forward in this journey. Alice already knows how lucky she is to have a loving Mom like you. That’s why she stares right into your heart saying ‘thank you mommy!’ Anna hasn’t just been whispering to you!!! Sending all my love … always …
    Karen

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