The words come when I’m in the shower or on a walk with Alice but when I sit down to write ~ nothing.
It’s a bit frustrating because in the past, when I wrote more often (which I long to do now), once I put my thoughts into words they were released ~ now they are trapped and I have a list a mile long of thoughts and feelings I want to get out but can’t seem to find the right words or the time.
Alice, Tom and Linus are out for their evening walk and I’m feeling moved to sit and write…I’m going to see what happens.
My emotions are all over the place.
I am happy, sad, struggling, content, missing, longing, in love, at peace and frustrated. There are no books about what my heart is going through and even if there were I think this road I am on is very individual. The emotions of bringing a new life into the world along with the intense missing my heart feels are very difficult to navigate at times and that’s without the hormonal component my body and mind are enduring.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I have this new little life to take care of and to love, meanwhile my heart so desperately longs for Anna and Abigail. I’m afraid that loving her with my whole heart will take away from how I love Anna and Abigail with my whole heart. I have the head knowledge to know that I shouldn’t feel guilty and that I do have enough love for all of my children, but my heart and emotions drift to a place of guilt often – which I truly feel is directly entwined with my feelings of longing and missing.
I often just sit and think about how much I wish I could share with Anna and Abigail the love I have for Alice ~ share with them face to face.
I just wish we were face to face ~ cheeks touching like before.
Alice loves to press her face into mine. When she’s eating she loves to lock eyes with me and when she is done she lays on my lap and just stares at me ~ usually breaking out into a huge smile every time our eyes meet. She loves her mama so much and I adore her.
When I look at her what I see is pure love and when she smiles at me her love wraps around my aching heart and holds it tight. The range of emotions I feel are part of life now, as is the pure love I feel from Alice ~ I just wish I could release the guilt even though I hear Anna whispering often that it is ok to love her baby sister as much as my heart loves her.
It’s ok to love her as much as Anna even though I never thought my heart could love anyone that much again.
The nightly walk is over and it’s time to get ready for bed.