A cute purple and black witches costume, the first one that her mama didn’t make, was bought during a weekend she was with her dad. I remember when she came home she made sure I knew that she had found her costume for Halloween that year. I will be honest and say I was both saddened and relieved by the fact that she didn’t want something handmade. I remember feeling a pull on my heart that my little girl was growing up.
That costume is still hanging in her closet where she left it.
We had lived 11 days without our girls when our first Halloween came. It was a first holiday and I remember distinctly “stepping off the path” that we had once been on ~ the path where holiday celebrations included gleeful anticipation, laughter of children, the never ending question of “how many more sleeps till..,” loads and loads of creativity and the overwhelming feeling of being so blessed by a life so rich.
Last night, as Tom and I got Alice ready for her first Halloween, my heart was pulled in so many different directions. I felt so blessed to have this little one smiling at me as I pulled her “handmade by mama” ringmaster shirt over her head (it had been so long since I created for Halloween), and at the same time my heart felt so incredibly sad ~ I miss my girls so much.
Little Alice has given us a reason to step back on the path we left 3 years ago, a path that I never imagined ever being on again in this lifetime. This path, not only has anticipation, laughter and blessing but also has a deep sadness for a life once lived. It is not, however, completely absent of Anna and Abigail but rather drenched in their love and filled with so many beautiful memories ~ memories I love sharing with Alice.
I could have never imagined how much my heart could feel until now ~ I really do feel the greatest joy and the deepest sadness simultaneously.
One day Alice will ask about the cute black and purple witches costume that hangs in the closet she shares with her sister. She will probably want to try it on and maybe even ask to wear it for Halloween. In that moment my heart will hurt as I long for my first born and at the same time, it will feel incredibly joyful that Alice wants to be just like her big sister and forgo the handmade costume for something a little more traditional.