This process of writing is so unpredictable. I am woken every morning with thoughts of my girls. They are always in the forefront of my mind but in the morning it’s almost as though they are telling me to wake up.

I start my morning by putting my feet on the ground and getting out of bed, somedays this is very easy others it is close to impossible. Tom is good for me because his routine involves making coffee and grabbing his bible for some quiet time. The smell of coffee and his commitment to the word motivates me to get up and on with my day.

We typically sit on opposite ends of the kitchen table at our computers, with a stack of devotionals, notepads and a lit candle between us. We start our day with a prayer, thanking God for sleep, each other and expressing how we are open to whatever he has in store for us that day.

Most days this is when the process of writing begins. I start looking at pictures or sorting through memories in my mind. Sometimes I have an overwhelming need to express a thought or feeling I’m experiencing but most of the time I feel like I have nothing to say. I decided early in this process that I would write in this space as long as it felt right, when I started to feel forced I would stop. I’m nervous sometimes when I sit down and try to find words and I can’t – thinking “that’s it”.

I also have decided that I can’t put a time on my writing or have an expectation to write everyday. This was very difficult for me at first because I tend to put expectations on myself a lot and am generally hard on myself when I don’t meet them. These past couple of months I have come to realize that life just unfolds and sometimes I don’t have a choice on which way it goes. I also realized that living second by second is good enough and that expectations will only bring disappointment.

So, with all this said, I have had nothing to write about this morning. Yes, we have had lots happening these past few days with the trial but I have not had a pressing need to put my thoughts about all of that in this space – or so I thought. When Tom left for work today I had the first moments, in about a week, all to myself and my thoughts immediately went to Cynthia’s family, specifically her father.

After we left the courthouse yesterday we had the opportunity to interact with Cynthia’s dad and brother for the first time ever. Hugs and condolences were exchanged between two families that lost so much the night of Oct. 20th.

This experience made me realize, more so than I already did, that Cynthia’s dad is also grieving the loss of a daughter. Yes, he can still have an earthly relationship with her, see her, touch her, hug her and hear her voice, but the night my girls went to Heaven was a turning point in his life as well. As we all walked away from one another I couldn’t help but feel sadness for him, he was going home without his girl too.

Over the past couple of months we have received a lot of emails and messages regarding our ability to forgive and how we are choosing to move through our loss. All I can say is that the ability to forgive and the way in which we are moving through our grief is completely influenced by God. We have completely surrendered our lives to him and fully believe, without a ounce of doubt, that he is holding, not only our girls in Heaven, but us. We are not amazing, God is Amazing!

On my own, I would not be able to function. I do not know how anyone could do this without God, I truly don’t. He has given me so much hope, joy and peace these past months that I should not have. I am amazed daily by him and the Grace he has given me.

I smile at the thought that my girls are in his presence and can see the big picture. Abigail always loved knowing secrets before we did. I’m sure she is loving knowing the greatest secret of all. I smile thinking about the day we are together again and the look on her face when she shares with us why this all came to be.

It was rainy and cold and the kids really wanted to go out in the boat. We were spending the weekend with friends at Lost Lake. I stood on the shore and took pictures and Tom braved the storm (it really wasn’t that bad but better him than me). If you would ask the kids they would talk about it with a huge smile on their face. If you ask us, we have that same smile.

Thinking about these memories, and many others, as we prepare for another day at the courthouse.

Woke up this morning thinking about one of my all time favorite videos.

When Anna was almost 2 yrs old we decided to add another member to our small family so we headed down to the pet store. We looked at every single fish in the place until Anna finally declared that she liked the pretty red one. We purchased a little tank, some fake plants and a little ceramic turtle that would keep our new fish company in its new home. I must say we were both pretty excited.

On the way home I asked Anna what she wanted to name her new fish and she said, without hesitation, “Dude.” Of course I asked for clarification because at this point in her life her words didn’t always come out very clear. She often was heard around the neighborhood saying “Otay Mama” or “Tookie” amoung other words that I’ve written down in her baby journal for safe keeping. She confirmed that in fact it was Dude so that was it, we now had a fish named Dude. 

Anna would spend a lot of time perched watching her new friend. She loved to feed Dude making sure not to give him to much. As I think about the conversations we had around this fish tank I can’t help but grin ear to ear. She loved Dude so much, he was a good fish.

One morning, after a year of Dude’s companionship, we came downstairs to find him swimming sideways. I knew something was up and decided to not make a big deal about it. The next morning, he was swimming slower, sideways and a bit upside down. Dude was at the end of his little fish life and my little girl would be heartbroken.

When Dude finally stopped swimming all together I decided that a funeral was in order. This was Anna’s first introduction to Heaven. Dude was swimming with Jesus now and we were going to miss him. I told her that if he couldn’t swim in our fish tank the next best place was the big fish tank in the sky. She didn’t get it, she was only 2.

This video, one of my very favorites, represents so many little moments Anna and I shared during our first 3 years together when it was just the two of us. Being a single parent was hard at times but I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. Our bond, which was a pure as you can get, will continue until one day we are together again in Heaven. Until then, I will cherish my pictures, videos and memories of my sweet girl and I will live to honor her and her sister.

Sometimes when the missing is unbearable I close my eyes and picture Anna and Abigail in Heaven. Sampson is standing near by with 2 tennis balls in his mouth, B-Rab is curled up in Abigail’s arms and Anna is holding a small fish bowl with Dude inside. I smile at the the thought and my girls smile back.

I remember the first day I went to Dilley to teach Anna’s first grade class Yoga. I remember making a Facebook post that went something like this: After years of teaching everyone elses children I finally get to teach my very own. I was so excited to be with her in this way and so excited to meet all of her new classmates.

I was very cautious during these times not to embarrass her. I wanted Anna to enjoy my visit and to want me to be around. I figured if I acted too goofy or said anything weird she would eventually ask me not to do it anymore. I wanted to be part of her education and participate with her like I have done with so many other kids in my 15 years of teaching.

I think it is safe to say that Anna loved my visits; they usually coincided with a weekend at her dad’s, so every other Monday at 11:00 we reunited in the gym for some Yoga. She loved it when I asked her to demonstrate and she told me that she loved that I was getting to know her friends. I usually ended our time together asking the kids a crazy question, then going around the circle getting their individual answer, having them give me their name and then excusing them to line up – my way of making connections with the kids and learning their first names. I wanted those connections with Anna’s classmates, it allowed me to put a face with the names Anna would bring up at home. She would tell lots of stories about kids in her reading group, new friends she was making, girls she played with at recess and naughty boys that were bugging her.

Anna always wanted to answer my question last, after everyone else went, making her last in line. In all of my years of teaching there have only been a few students that wanted to be last in line, Anna was one of them. Her reasons were different from others, she wanted to give me a kiss and hug me tight before she left. Being last in line ensured that her and I would be in the gym for a brief moment alone and she could love on her Mama.

For the first time since Anna went to Heaven, I went today and taught the first graders Yoga. They were so excited to see Anna’s mom and I was so excited to see her classmates. I definitely felt a little rusty in my teaching skills at first (I still have not started back to work), but quickly realized that after 15 years it’s kind of like riding a bike. I jumped right back in, having fun, holding them accountable and giving them an opportunity to use their bodies. We stretched, did yoga to music, we ran around the gym and played their favorite game, Dead Fish.

I must admit though, that during the entire class, I had my all time favorite student on my mind. She was so cool, so fun to be around, so smart, so beautiful and rocked it when it came to holding a tree pose. When playing Dead Fish she could lay completely still without moving a muscle longer than anyone else, even when the bear, another student, tried to make her laugh.

I know that Anna was in the gym today watching her Mama play with her classmates. I know that she’s proud of me for keeping those connections and for making sure that, even though they didn’t know her for long, she will never be forgotten.

Looking forward to another Yoga class next week and watching this group of first graders grow up!

Forest Grove Running Club Summer Track and Field Program for Kids 2012

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.    Colossians 3:12-14

Waiting to go to the courthouse.

Waiting to hear if the trial will still happen at 1:30 or if it will be rescheduled.

Waiting to see how I will feel about going into the courtroom.

Waiting!

This trial does not change anything in my life, my girls are not coming home when it’s over. Someone asked me what I wanted to see happen; regardless of the consequences she is facing, all I want is for her to admit that she made a bad choice that night and apologize.

I will forgive her and I will move forward celebrating my girls and honoring God no matter what happens.