I am feeling the prayers and I appreciate every single one of them. I decided last night, after an emotional day, that I’m not ready to make the next step. I’ve decided that going back to work moves me into a space that I’m not ready for. I’m not ready to start new routines without my girls; I’m not ready to move on. So, I’m going to spend a couple of weeks being still and I will intentionally listen. Listen to what God has planned for me and for my family. I know that one day I will wake up and say “today is the day I go to work”, and I will go;today is not that day. Once again I feel the prayers of those near and far and I am so thankful.
I do miss my students. I walked into a school yesterday and one of my kiddos ran over to me and said, “Teacher Susan I have not seen you in such a long time, I miss you.” Fighting back tears I gave him a giant hug. My students are going to be fine and are in really good hands. I do miss them though but I know when it’s time to go back we will pick up right where we left off; playing in the gym, jumping rope, yoga poses and lots of high fives. They will also give me hugs and I will take every one of those hugs and know that I am blessed to have each and every one of them in my life.
While I was at Dilley yesterday I popped my head into Anna’s class. Her friends are so amazing and I love that when I walk in the room they all say with excitement, “It’s Anna’s mom!” Anna’s teacher, Mrs. Wilson, has created such a loving space for her friends. I brought in a teddy bear that is all decked out in one of Anna’s favorite Hello Kitty t-shirts and it sits in her cubby. With the bear is Anna’s school picture in a little frame. Mrs. Wilson has created this space for kids to connect with Anna if they want. I can usually find a couple of notes and drawings tucked in from students. I love that they continue to write her notes. I love that when I’m in that room I feel Anna. She loved being at Dilley and loved her classmates.
Both my girls had so many friends. I worry about them and I pray daily for their little hearts that are broken. I want to forever connect with these kids and be present in their lives. In doing so I will see my girls grow up. There will be so much that I miss, but if I watch Grace dance in her recital I will see Abigail dancing next to her. If I see McKenna swinging at recess I will see Anna swinging next to her. If I go to Girl Scout meetings I will hear Abigail’s voice in all the wonderful things they plan to do for other people. If I go to Rowan and Reese’s birthday parties I will hear Anna sing Happy Birthday to her friends. If I hear Paige laugh I will hear Abigail laugh. If I play lava monster with Jacob and Michael I will see both my girls running away trying not to be tagged. I can go on and on listing the countless friends and experiences I want to have with them.
I wish my time wasn’t cut short. I wish I didn’t have to use my imagination.
I will say though that I feel my girls daily and I hear and feel God’s love. So here I sit, writing, and this afternoon I’m going to rock out to Taylor Swift because that is what feels right.