Yesterday was an extremely hard day. It seems that being away from our home base is more difficult than either of us imagined. Being surrounded by family really helps and we definitely feel loved here but we have tremendous security being in our own home, the one we shared with the girls, near the space they went to Heaven.
It seems as we move through our grief, whether it’s private or public, we are finding this blog to be very healing. Tom and I recognize that this life we have here on earth is forever changed and we have made a commitment to each other and to God that we will proceed by listening to Him and doing what he tells us to do. This road right now is hard and some days I don’t feel like participating, yesterday was one of those days. Other moments, like this morning, I see how God is so brilliantly working and I smile in amazement as I see how pieces of my life are fitting together like a puzzle.
This morning I woke up with an aching heart, as I do many mornings. It may have been a dream I don’t remember or just going to bed last night feeling overwhelmed with emotion for my kids, either way I knew I needed to grab my computer and start looking at photos. In no time I ended up in this space reading over past blog posts, looking at pictures and reading comments made from people both near and far. The comments that people leave in this space of ours are so thoughtful and loving. I read them all and appreciate all of the prayers and encouragement. Once again I felt the arms of God wrapping around me and found myself filling the gap of my morning with trust in him.
My brother and I are now sitting on the couch watching a movie. Little ones are napping, teens are shopping, mom and dad are getting ready to visit with friends and Jeff and I are kicking back on the couch. Much needed quality time with my little brother.
I often would share stories with the girls about my love/hate relationship with my brother. When we were young, the girls age, we hated each other and annoying was a constant part of our vocabulary. I would tell Abigail that if she ignored Anna pushing her buttons, like I ignored Jeff so many years earlier, she would leave her alone. It didn’t work for my girls and it never worked for me. I was always hopeful though.
Jeff would hide in my closet for hours waiting for my friends and I to come into my room. I guess he was desperately wanting to hear our deepest darkest secrets, or just be totally annoying. Unfortunately for him, I would figure out he was in there and yell down to my mom that he was bugging us, oftentimes using the same exact words that Abigail would yell down to me. We fought a lot as kids, like most siblings I’m assuming.
I’m not sure what I would do without my brother now, both brothers. I cherish our relationship and the relationship they both had with my girls. The three of us are so completely different in so many ways and through this journey I am realizing that is ok. It was ok that my girls fought and called each other annoying because their foundation for each other was built on love, just like my brothers and I .
I love that I have so many photos and memories of my girls yelling Uncle Jeff or Uncle Bill in my parent’s back yard when we would come for a visit. I love that they both talk about my girls to their kids and keep their memories alive. I love that they both married the most amazing women, that I truly love, and feel blessed to call my sister-in-laws. I love that I have two amazing brothers that, in a heart beat, will be my side and will let me cry on their shoulder.
Jeff is now sound asleep on the couch and I think for good old times sake I will give him a wet willy….just to be annoying!