In the past 2 months, we have had a lot of holidays to “get through.” Halloween (one of my girl’s favorites), Anna’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Abigail’s birthday have all passed and we have found peace in celebrating and honoring our girls through each. I can honestly say that I have learned that having no expectations going in has really helped us to experience the day as it was meant to be, rather than forcing it to be something.
New Year’s has always been my least favorite holiday. Being a morning person and not a night person I would say that this holiday has been somewhat painful in the past. I’m sure if you talk to any of my friends that have celebrated this holiday with me they would say that I barely made it to midnight – and I was definitely not the life of the party. Being forced to stay up way past my bedtime is not my idea of fun.
As New Years approached I really didn’t think much about how this unpopular holiday was going to impact me. I thought about birthdays and Christmas but not New Years. It never crossed my mind the significance of finishing one year and looking forward to the next; leaving 2013 to the past and looking toward newly recognized goals for the upcoming year. Since October 20th I have been living minute by minute, looking toward the future is very unsettling to me and writing goals for a future without my girls is terrifying.
So, as I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I’m not ready to leave 2013. I don’t plan on getting stuck here but I’m not ready to move into a new year without my girls.
The year 2013 was filled with many trips to the park to play lava monster, nights spent playing games as a family and countless creations made in our little basement studio. We went on an amazing camping adventure as a family to Orcas Island and spent lots of time with friends and family playing, exploring and living life to its fullest. In 2013 I touched my girls, I held them, I loved on them, I listened to them and I celebrated with them.
It was a good year full of love and one I will never forget.
Last night as the clock struck midnight, and I was waking up from a little nap, I said a prayer asking God to hold my girls tight, just like I would if I could. I miss everything about both of them and staying in 2013 doesn’t make the ache go away, it just allows me to be exactly where I feel I need to be…right here, trusting God and celebrating Anna and Abigail’s love and joy!
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Susan,
I am amazed at your strength and trust in God. I can’t imagine my life without my children, but know as a christian that they belong to God and are on loan to me. You give me peace knowing that if something were to happen and God called them home, I would be able to go on and still feel my children’s presence in my life. I pray for you and your family often and your blog soothes my soul every time I read it. God Bless you.
Rochelle Kellas
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Oh Susan.. I too struggle with New Years, even on a good year. It creeps up every year and just seems so loaded somehow with expectations but no clear traditions to help fill the hours. Almost every year I get blindsided by it.
Stay in 2013 for as long as you want. I know I for one would much prefer hearing great stories of connection and love and happy memories than any attempts at future planning. In contrast, “No expectations” is motto I really like (and a lesson I still can’t seem to learn – thanks for the reminder) for all the space it leaves for what we need to come to us. Praying for some solace for the ache. You are loved!
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