Monday

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It’s Monday, another Monday in a long stream of Mondays that will continue to come while I’m here on earth. Another Monday without my girls.

Kids are starting back to school today, I can hear them outside making their morning trek to the Community School. It’s 8:37.  I would have already dropped Abigail off, yelled “I LOVE YOU” out the window to embarrass her and I would be home now curled up in the big red chair reading with Anna. In about 15 minutes we would head to Dilley and I would walk her to her classroom, kiss her, squeeze her, tell her I love her to the moon and back and to have a wonderful day. She would say, “I love you too Mama,” walk into class, turn around and give me the I love you sign.

I miss my girls!

Here I am, sitting at my computer finding words to stream together to describe how I’m feeling. This second I am sad because I want to drop my girls off at school and tell them to have a wonderful day and I can’t. I don’t want to be here in this place of grief and longing. I don’t want to be amazing in how I’m handling this journey, I don’t want to try to find the words to forgive a girl who made horrible choices the night of the accident, I don’t want to look at pictures and video over and over again.

I just want to hug my girls!

I’m leaning hard on God and I feel his comfort and love all the time. I KNOW that I will hug them again, be in their presence and will someday see the bigger picture of why. The peace that comes with trusting God in this journey however does not take away the fact that I miss my girls.

Until the day I am with them in eternity I will ride this wave of grief. Some moments it overwhelms me, knocks me off my feet and carries me under. Other moments I am able to stand as it gently pushes against my legs letting me know that it is there. At this moment I’m feeling overwhelmed with the sadness of missing my girls.

This storm will subside, as it always does. At that moment I will stand back up, take a deep breath and continue on my journey knowing that the storm will come again. This is my life now.

I trust God with all my heart and I know that my girls are safe.

I just miss them so much.

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23 thoughts on “Monday

  1. Always with you in prayer and sending love. My heart is still so heavy for you. Thank you for sharing so openly and allowing us to all be there in prayer and love as much as possible. I cannot begin to comprehend your grief and your beautiful words and stories always provide me comfort. I wish there were more that I could do for you both but please know that I continue to pray for you and Tom and those beautiful angels EVERY day! Love you friend! xo

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  2. Susan, I have never suffered the loss that you have. So I have no idea how it feels. I know how much it grieves me so I can only begin to imagine what you are going through. However, all of your ‘I don’t’s’ make perfect sense to me.

    Not long ago after taking a shower and steaming up the bathroom mirror I noticed that someone had been writing words on the mirror through the steam, like kids do. At closer look I discovered that Rebecca had written “I Miss Abby”. I just wanted to share that with you.

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  3. Susan, your beautiful and honest words bring tears to my eyes. My heart continues to ache for you and Tom and for the loss that I can not imagine you feel. I pray for moments of peace to one day be great than moments as these. Your girls feel your love and that bond will never be broken…I know no words can ease the sadness. Love to you my friend.

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  4. Susan you have shown so much grace and strength through all of this experience – it is so very okay and right to be human and not amazing every second – it is not fair that you can’t hug your girls! I grieve for you every day as a person, as a mother. You have made me a better parent by sharing your thoughts.

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  5. My sweet Susan, you grieve all you want, you vent as much as you need to. We can never know or feel your pain. Just know that we love you and pray for your strength. May You feel his presence. I love you sweet girl💗. Paula

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  6. I have no words that seem like they would help, other than to let you know I’m sending big huge hugs for you and Tom. And continuing to pray for you. Love you

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  7. Sending you love… Nothing says you have to be amazing or graceful at every moment of this incredibly hard journey. Sending you so much love for when the waves crash down as tears flow here reading your words. Missing just doesn’t seem like a big enough word….

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  8. The missing is so terrible. My heart aches with you and Tom as you deal with your feelings of missing them so much. You know our door is always open for you to come for a pot of tea anytime. We are here almost all day homeschooling and would be glad to take a nice little break to do some art, sit and share some tea and share love anytime you need it. We’re with you, right by your side today and the many tomorrows to come. My Brady starts his evening prayer out the same way every time. It goes something like this: Thank you dear Lord for today, tomorrow and the day after that. Even when he has had a difficult day, he finds the presence of mind to praise God and ask for help every single day. I see you approaching life very much like this and these are such difficult days. I am thankful you will write when you are having hard days because I know when you can use a pick me up and more prayers. I pray that every day that God will send you His helpers, his angels who are moved by the Holy Spirit to do his work and they will cover you in love and care and be the “one bright spot” of His love and compassion every single day as you heal and survive the daily missing. We love you. We ‘re here for you both anytime.

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  9. My aunt lost both her boys in a car accident and she spoke so much like you! It’s been 12 years now. She still cries and laughs and sees signs everywhere!! Her faith in God is truly what kept her getting out of bed every day! Hang in there

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  10. Its okay to just say this is terrible and unbearable sometimes because it is but tomorrow is a new day and I pray you feel those peaceful moments you need and deserve.
    Thoughts and prayers..
    Kari

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  11. You speak so eloquently Susan – all the things I too don’t want for you and Tom – I’m not able to articulate them well, but you speak them. It’s heart crushing that you must feel them too, and the weight of this, all of this… You and Tom are in my thoughts and prayers, in my heart.

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  12. Susan, I wish you had your old life back. My heart hurts for you and tom. Please know that even though its not the same as hugging your girls, please feel free to go visit Annas class and get big hugs from them. I hope you can feel Annas hugs through theirs. Much love to you. The days will be long but know we were here for you both.

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  13. Huge hugs to you and prayers of comfort; there are no words that can lessen your pain, I only home this storm passes quickly and that you may once again stand in the shallows with the waves gently lapping over your feet.

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  14. Susan my heart is heavy for you. Your girls are always with you! 🙂 Praying for comfort and peace for you in this moment and that the overwhelming since of sadness and longing for your old life eases enough for you to feel your girls’ presence and God’s hands on you. BIG hugs and lots of love being sent to you and Tom through prayer! 🙂

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