Finding Solace

I remember wondering where Abigail was, going upstairs to find her door shut and music turned up loud. She was inside being a kid that was trying to make sense of her life. Finding solace in being alone in her space. She would write, draw, play with her littlest pet shops or polly pockets. Creating a world that was hers and one that she could control. Learning how to navigate with a new little sister, a step-mom and dad that was no longer just her own.

I remember Abigail telling me that she loved Anna, loved me and loved that we were a family!

I remember tucking Anna into bed and her whispering that she missed our old house. We would recount a time when it was just the two of us. Our routines which included a nightly bath time, midnight visits which turned into nightly cuddle time, undivided attention towards one another, no sharing needed.

I remember Anna telling me she loved having a brother and sisters and that we found Tom.

I remember a time when I day dreamed about having a big family where everyone talked over each other. We would sit around the table sharing our daily adventures, laughing and creating traditions that would be shared with generations to come.

I remember a time when I looked around our table at my family and felt so incredibly blessed that God answered my prayers. I remember thinking that life was good and exactly the way it was supposed to be.

I used to think that God brought Tom and I together for us, so we wouldn’t have to navigate our lives alone. I now know that the plan was so much more than that. As we (Tom, myself, Emily and Ben) navigate through our lives, our girls, their sisters, are together in Heaven. Even though we are separated physically we are all still very much together. We have each other, they have each other and God is taking care of all of us. I have trust in his plan.

As with my girls, it’s going to take some time to figure out how I’m supposed to be in this new space of mine. I know that God is good and will guide me where he wants me to go. I am doing my best to listen and to honor every thought and prayer that comes to mind. I find solace, like Abigail did, being alone in the space we share with the girls and with trusting God and his plan. One day, I know without a doubt, we will be together again, laughing and sharing our adventures.

I can’t wait for the girls to show me how to make a rainbow.