In the past I let circumstances, my to-do list or just the inability to let go of my stuff inhibit me from really putting myself out there for God.
I remember being guarded with my heart, fearful of it being hurt and not wanting to feel that pain. I remember feeling the nudges, those ideas that slowly emerge into your consciousness, and I would make excuses of why I needed to stay on course with my life, a life that was committed to God but was not willing to fully surrender.
I was a believer but not necessary willing to follow. I was good person, good mom, good wife but had my own agenda on how I thought my life should be lived. I remember the nudges, they weren’t an extreme change of course, but they were there.
I will be honest and say that as I sit and write this I’m ashamed that I did not listen as intently as I do now. I’m ashamed that I had to be completely broken in order to follow with ALL of my heart. I know God forgives me and he loves me for where I was but I’m ashamed.
In my quiet times I bring this to his feet. I lay my head on his lap and through my tears I tell him that I’m sorry. Our God is so faithful, so forgiving and so loving. He holds me tight and whispers that he loves me.
I hear him loud and clear.
I was asked this week if I wake up making a conscious decision to embrace God, and choose love and joy, instead of being bitter and angry at the circumstances of my life.
God met me on the side of the road on October 20th when I asked him to come. He held my hand, whispered in my ear and wrapped his loving arms around me tight. He shows up every second of every day and assures me that my girls are good in his presence and that they are taken care of in a way that I would never be able to provide for them. I’m committed to listen to him, to follow and to recklessly love like he loves me.
I wake up every morning and choose the promise of his word and one day, in his presence, I will be able to thank him for filling my broken heart with love and hope.
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.