Dipping Sauce

boots in leaves

As far as I can remember, Fall has always been my favorite time of year.

The air starts to chill, school starts and routines change, everything is pumpkin flavored, sweaters, scarves and boots are pulled from the depths of the closet and the leaves turn the most vibrant of colors and start to fall.

Today, after an appointment, I found myself walking down the sidewalk of a neighboring town taking in the smells of this season. For a moment, I got lost in all the things I love about Fall. I looked down at the sidewalk and noticed some yellow leaves adorning my path.

The pain I carry with me got sharper.

As with every day of this past year, I get to choose how I move through each new season absent of my girls and this season is no different.

Of course it is hard – every day is hard without them.

This year, I look at the falling leaves in a different light and the Fall air sometimes takes my breath away. As each night comes quicker than the day before, I find that I often want to be in my house, with the curtains drawn, so I don’t have to witness the transition.

The girls’ tree, which has always stood tall outside my window, is now a symbol of these changing seasons. Its leaves are changing and they will soon be on the ground.

My girls loved Fall and I have many memories and, thankfully, pictures of them enjoying the season to its fullest.

Anna would ask if it’s time to buy caramel dipping sauce to dip her apples. She would always beg to have one spoonful first without the apples and then some for dipping.

Abigail would get excited about new school supplies and would work into a good homework routine. We were really learning a lot about each other as we negotiated how that routine should look.

Anna wanting to cuddle up, with a blanket wrapped around both of us, to watch Curious George’s Christmas Show because Fall means it’s that time of year.

Abigail wondering if we would let her go to the football game with her friends. We decided to go with her to check it out first and once there, she stayed in the stands with us the whole time – I guess our company wasn’t so bad after all.

Both of the girls excited to eat my homemade chili and Tom’s homemade cornbread for dinner. Abigail would pull out all of the onions from her bowl and Anna would always need to be told no more cornbread until she ate more of her chili. I think they both enjoyed the cornbread best.

Halloween decorations would be pulled out, costumes would be planned so I could start sewing and a pumpkin patch date would be determined so that we didn’t leave it to the last-minute.

Every bit of Fall brings a smile to my face when I think about how much fun this season had in store for our family.

As I anticipate the fall of “those leaves” I know God’s grace and my memories of my girls during this beautiful time of year will help get me through the heartache. God has gotten me through 330 days without my girls and I have faith that He will continue to hold me up, give me the strength I need and show me His amazing love for how ever long I have until I’m with my girls again.

Today I chose to look through countless Fall photos and remember our love for this season.  Tonight I’m making chili and tomorrow I’m buying carmel sauce.

apples

13 thoughts on “Dipping Sauce

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  4. Oh Susan. Every one of your posts is inspiring to me and so many others. You have such a way with words, and I want you to know that you have made me question my own sense of faith, and I certainly feel you’ve strengthened it. I’ve been thinking about you as the season is changing as well; any time I see leaves falling or changing, I think of you. Many people do. Your girls are smiling down on you and are so proud of you for your grace and strength. One day you will all be dipping apples in caramel sauce together (and taking spoonfuls) 🙂
    Much love, Kari

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    • Kara…I was going through some old photos and have some really cute ones of our girls friendship. Thank you for your kind words. Hope all is well in your world.

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  5. Susan,
    As the leaves start to change, I’ve begun to feel an increased ache in my heart for you and Tom. I know the leaves will fall. I don’t want the leaves to fall, but they will. I think it’s wonderful that you’re wrapping yourself in all the memories of fall seasons shared with your girls. Your love is beautiful and forever. I hope you find some moments of peace.
    Janelle

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  6. Susan, your strength and ability to put your feelings into words continues to amaze me!! You are such a source of strength to so many. Even those of us that have not lost a child. My prayers ade with you and Tom through this season and all that are to come.
    Chris Torry Frank

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