I’m sitting with a list of things I need to do by my side. We just returned from a visit with family in Ohio and there is laundry to do and a trip to the grocery store in our plans for today.

I don’t want to do anything but snuggle with Alice.

I want to curl up with her, close my eyes and wish the next month away.

In one months time my girls will have been in Heaven for 3 years ~ my heart wishes so much that was not my reality, our reality.

Tom and I are struggling because the season hurts so bad. We are struggling because we both want so badly to reverse time, go back and change the course that our lives took 3 years ago.

We have light in our lives and we have so much sadness.

So much sadness.

I can hear Anna yell from upstairs, “Mom, make sure to get caramel sauce today at the store to dip my apples in at lunch.”

I can see Abigail’s grumpy face as she sits down for breakfast before school, she was never a morning person.

To hear their voices and to see their faces in person is what my heart so desperately longs for.

Desperate is how I feel these days.

I work really hard keeping my mind focused on the light instead of the darkness of my longing.

I’m not “ok,” I’m just working really hard trying to survive the pain and the darkness.

Today I just want to hug my girls ~ I desperately want to hug my girls.



7 thoughts on “Desperate

  1. Dear Susan~
    A friend of mine shared your story about your little girls with emphasis on the love rocks. I am so deeply touched by the depth of your sharing this with people who don’t know you. The love you have for your family and the heartache each of you has endured surely has touched many people, including myself …a total stranger. Please know that your sadness and heartfelt pain are shared amongst so many of us that care about how precious life is and recognize / share the loss you feel. We can never forget the powerful feelings we have that come from those we love with every ounce of our being ~ know that you give strength to us through your love and fortitude & unselfish sharing of your feelings. You truly are a (love) rock of strength Susan. God Bless you and your family. I wish you Peace Love & God’s White Light.


  2. I know your pain, I long for my son my only child everyday for 2 and 1/2 years, know that I look to your blog for solace, I hear my heart in your words, may our lord help you through this time


  3. Thinking of you guys… I am sure the girls are wrapping you all in so much love right now to help you survive the pain. I know I feel it ❤️ I’ve been passing on the love at school as well its the best feeling to see someone react to finding a love rock…. Hope to see you soon. Love you all


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