Her Smile

Shortly after I wrote and posted yesterday Alice woke up from a nap. I could hear her making noises and bouncing herself in her hammock ~ yes, my daughter naps in a hammock and it’s the best thing ever. As I approached her, we met eyes and she smiled.

Her smile consumed my whole heart.

Even the desperate and broken pieces.

Each day I wake up, take a deep breath and make a choice.

Each day I make a choice to keep going. Yesterday I didn’t want to make that choice, I wanted to climb into the deepest part of my suffering and submerge my head in the water.

Then Anna and Abigail’s sister pulled me ashore and smiled. They need me to take care of her with all of my heart, even the broken pieces.alice-smile

Thank you for reaching out through your comments, texts and Facebook messages ~ your kindness means the world to me.

13 thoughts on “Her Smile

  1. Susan, I have prayed earnestly and often for you and your husband since that day 3 years ago. Have cried and wished I could heap your pain on top of my own. I discovered your blog and your “Love Rocks” just over a year ago and have followed you closely since then. Thank you for sharing from such deep places in your soul. I’ve never commented because I figured that I was just another hurting believer and I lived on the far end of east Portland and my comments wouldn’t really do anything to help. I praised God for all the friends you did have and that ministered to you. I rejoiced with you regarding little Alice. I have known deep hurt, tragedy and the resulting despair and depression. I have given 2 little ones back to God at birth. I had years of infertility. Finally God did bless me with 2 children that are grown now and sadly that is not all happy. So, I can hear and understand your pain in small ways. My own childhood was tragic and daily I have to fight that feeling you described as just wanting the water to cover your head. Your post yesterday telling of your feeling of wanting to give up and cave in really worried me. I know that feeling. For a good part of the last day I’ve just had to plead with God to encourage you and lift you up. I know He can do that. Praise God for today’s post, for His evident love that you really felt and for Alice’s smile. A relief. I’m so glad she is giving you purpose and you feel God’s love through her. She is precious and does need you so. You made a difference in my life with your transparency. Thank you. I will continue to follow you as long as possible. Linda

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    • Linda, thank you so much for your message and I did feel your prayers!!! God is good and He is faithful, always. Those waves of unimaginable pain and suffering will be with me until the day I am walking hand in hand with the girls in His presence, oh what a sweet day that will be. Until then, I will keep going here, remembering, cherishing and soaking up all the love I can from little Alice ~ she truly is a blessing to my heart. Thank you again Linda. Saying a prayer for you and your peace that surpasses all understanding. ❤

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  2. Every year since “heaven day”, I think of your girls as this season comes upon us. I still, and always will see their beautiful faces and spirits through the fall leaves every time my kids jump and hide in them. I imagine all they would do and be if they got to grow up and old on earth, and it saddens me, but I know they are experiencing a different and perfect, happy life in heaven, with a deeper love then we can imagine on earth. I believe they feel no loss or pain b/c they walk with God and with you both, their parents, and their loved ones on earth. I know that cannot ease your pain, and I hope I am not causing more pain with my thoughts to you, but I can’t help but hurt over your loss, while also smiling when I see Alice, your newest, beautiful baby God sent to you (and I’m sure her sisters met her first). That you focus energy on love over anger, inspires me. Many prayers for you, and Tom, at this difficult time.

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  3. After reading your post yesterday my heart actually hurt. The mother in me still yearns to somehow help ease your pain, but I know that is not possible. From day one I turned to my faith as I do each and everyday.
    As I read the beautiful outpouring of love and support from complete strangers and all of those who love you so much I feel his love .and an answer to my prayer.
    I love you Susan 💖

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  4. Blessings and angels come in the form of precious babies and their beautiful smiles!!! May God continue to smile on you and bring you peace!!!

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