It’s Monday…just another day of many in my future that I will wake up missing my girls. I can’t really explain the ache in my heart other than that it hurts. I remember the first time Anna went and spent a long weekend with her dad; she was 2. I remember wondering if I was going to get through it. I knew she was in good hands and that she needed that time but as one day turned into two I remember the ache coming on. I remember trying to explain to someone but couldn’t. All I could say was that after a couple of days I just hurt.
Over time I got used to it. There were lots of long weekends and a week in the summer and a week at Christmas. This summer she spent 10 days in Hawaii and although I did miss her terribly (and was a little jealous) I knew that she was having a blast with extended family, swimming with dolphins and having an amazing adventure with her dad. She came home with lots of great stories and a hug that warmed every part of me. She didn’t want to leave my side for a couple of days and I can say the same about not wanting to leave hers.
I would feel the same way with Abigail. Whenever she would leave for a weekend or for an extended time with her mom I would miss her terribly. Abigail loved to call us. We would get nightly check ins and texts from her, text that I cherish now. I loved our Sunday reunions. We would all cuddle up on the couch for a movie and pizza. It was one of our families traditions, one I loved.
This missing, the ache in my heart, will always be there. I can’t imagine it ever going away. I just have to figure out how to navigate through life with it. I look at it like a giant pool of water that is really deep in the center. Some days I walk to the edge and get my feet wet, some days I go up to my knees. I can honestly say that is where I’ve stopped. I’m afraid to go any deeper, to feel the deep sorrow rush over my entire being. I’m afraid of that pain.
This does not mean I don’t hurt in every ounce of my being. It means I haven’t fully felt the impact of never seeing my girls again here on earth. I really can’t imagine my life without them. I find ways to be with them now. Looking through countless pictures, watching videos, telling stories, writing about them in this space, sitting in their rooms, looking for and finding treasures, spending time with their friends, cuddling up with Anna’s favorite blanket and lighting two candles every night at the memorial. Doing these things helps me get through each day.
I know I will have to go swimming one day in that pool of water. I also know that I have God and I know that he won’t let me sink even if I wanted. I trust the people that God has placed in my life will be there. I trust that he will give them the words, the actions and the ability to pull me out when I have had enough. I trust that he is taking care of my girls and will take care of me. I trust that the peace I feel in regards to where they are could possibly be the same peace I feel one day when I think of that pool of water.