Overwhelming sorrow of not being able to hold them and a deep sense of joy knowing my girls are with their Creator; that is what I feel.
On one hand I take deep breaths to get me through each moment, my heart aches in ways I never knew were possible, and I really don’t know how I’ll make it through another day without my girls. On the other hand my heart is full of love and joy; I’m overwhelmed by the grace that God has given me and I have a tremendous amount of peace that everything is going to be ok.
I look at their pictures, remember their laughs and watch video after video, desperately wanting one more second with each of them. I miss them so much. My heart hurts and as each new day brings memories of a time once shared, I feel a sadness that takes over my being. I feel the water getting deeper and deeper and I know I need to go under for awhile, to feel the sorrow and the pain that only comes with allowing myself to truly come to terms with my loss.
I feel His arms holding me as I take each step into the water, knowing I need to go to this place that will bring so much pain. I hear His voice reassuring me that He will not let me go, that He will stay close and make sure that I will resurface. I have seen His glory surround me and know that I will be ok, and that one day Anna, Abigail and I will be reunited.
Today, this very minute, I just want to hold them and be joyful and silly together.