I woke this morning with thoughts on this day last year.

I was sitting in the hospital listening to a machine that was keeping Abigail breathing, missing both of my girls terribly and fully aware of the reality that both of them were in Heaven.

That day I had a choice.

I could run and hide from this world, isolate myself in sorrow and be angry at everyone and everything for my circumstances or I could embrace my Heavenly Father, who was in that room with me grieving my girls, and allow Him to make good on His promise that for so many years I said I believed.

Being angry would have been easy. Angry at Tom, angry at the girl that was driving the car, angry at myself for not being home and angry at God for allowing this to happen.

That anger could have consumed me, isolated me from those I love, destroyed my marriage, hardened my heart and ultimately created an even greater distance between myself and my girls in Heaven.

This would have been easy to do because I was/am angry ~ my circumstances were/are not fair and I did not want the life that was/is before me.

Sitting in that hospital room I made a decision that was not easy. I chose to allow God, who I couldn’t control or see, to come and wrap His arms around me, lift the burden of my pain, bring peace to my heart that I still don’t understand and, most importantly, to have my girls. I accepted what I knew I could not change ~ my girls were in Heaven with God.

This choice is by far the greatest and most important choice that I have ever made in my life. In choosing to allow Him to work in my life and by completely surrendering to Him, I have felt such incredible love – just like He promised. When I am angry and feeling unbearable pain He is my lifeline ~ pulling me from the depths of my sorrow and breathing love into my heart.

Yesterday I saw a lot of rainbows because of that choice. If I would have chosen to turn away I would have missed them, I would have missed my girls.

Instead I felt their love and saw their light from Heaven.

Yesterday was beautiful and I am so grateful for God’s grace, love and everlasting peace. Through my sorrow He has shown me a joy that I know is only a fraction of the joy my girls feel in Heaven.

This time last year I said yes to God and He has held me ever since, giving me strength, courage and allowing me to see and appreciate the rainbows.

Anna and Abigail's Heaven Day ~ October 20, 2014
Anna and Abigail’s Heaven Day ~ October 20, 2014

17 thoughts on “Embrace

  1. I can only read a couple of lines of this blog and not cry. Definitely not work reading material. I have gained so much insight on whats important, what it means to be christian, how to love and when to forgive. Thank you for sharing. And god bless your girls.


  2. Hi Susan,
    I hope you remember me as I worked for your mom for a lot of years and watched you grow up. I was heartbroken when I read the article in the Vindicator about your beautiful little girls. I remember when Anna was born how excited your mom and grandma were. They spoke of her often with so much love. As you were growing up I knew you had a special gift and whatever you would do, you would be a blessing to others. Your eyes would sparkle as you told me of some of the special children you were working with. I am so sorry that you have had to know such sorrow in your young life but I know that our Savior will sustain you and your precious family. You are in my prayers daily. Give my love to your sweet mom.
    Anita Oles


    1. I definitely remember you Anita…thank you so much for reaching out. Thank you so much for your prayers. I will definitely give your love to my mom. She will be sending it right back to you I”m sure.


  3. Susan, you are such an inspiration and are bringing love and peace to so many through your own loss. The good you are doing is a true tribute to your girls. Kathy and Judy


  4. I saw the rainbows and thought of you. Jesus loves you so very much and you are spreading an unbelievable amount of love on this earth because of your pain. Thank you for sharing with us. 💕


  5. Thank you once again, Susan. 🙂
    Every time I saw a rainbow yesterday, I prayed you were able to see it, too, and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one doing so. 🙂
    I’m so glad Heavenly Father blessed you and Tom to have so many to see yesterday!


  6. It is humbling to read your words— your faith, your trust, your obedience— God is honored in how you are dealing with this unimaginable loss and showing all to see how to walk through this very difficult time with His strength, His love and grace. I know your daughters are pleased….and even more so, our heavenly Father is pleased as well. I’m sure you will be greeted when you enter Heaven with “Well done, good and faithful servant.” No higher honor. ❤


  7. I have so much I want to say but when I write it it doesn’t come out right. Maybe someday we can talk. Just know that you, Tom and your beautiful family are always in my prayers.


  8. I understand your connection with God, it took the death of my only child to bring me back to him after too long an absence! Your blog comforts me so much, God bless you and you are in my prayers daily!


  9. Susan,
    You are such an inspiration. I am in awe of not only the strength, but the immense love you and Tom show others in the face of such a loss. Just in awe…
    I am inspired by your example.


    1. The last two entries have shown me so much about the power of TRULY Believing in God, accepting the hand He has dealt a person, and choosing to let Him help that person to be a positive influence for self and others! You have had a deep impact on my life and so many others! Thank you, and may God continue to Bless the two of you on your journey while on earth! He is taking care of your precious girls until your job is completed here.


  10. You are such an inspiration and role model. Thank you for being such a wonderful teacher to all of us! You have no idea how many people you have touched and we all thank you!


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