I woke this morning with thoughts on this day last year.
I was sitting in the hospital listening to a machine that was keeping Abigail breathing, missing both of my girls terribly and fully aware of the reality that both of them were in Heaven.
That day I had a choice.
I could run and hide from this world, isolate myself in sorrow and be angry at everyone and everything for my circumstances or I could embrace my Heavenly Father, who was in that room with me grieving my girls, and allow Him to make good on His promise that for so many years I said I believed.
Being angry would have been easy. Angry at Tom, angry at the girl that was driving the car, angry at myself for not being home and angry at God for allowing this to happen.
That anger could have consumed me, isolated me from those I love, destroyed my marriage, hardened my heart and ultimately created an even greater distance between myself and my girls in Heaven.
This would have been easy to do because I was/am angry ~ my circumstances were/are not fair and I did not want the life that was/is before me.
Sitting in that hospital room I made a decision that was not easy. I chose to allow God, who I couldn’t control or see, to come and wrap His arms around me, lift the burden of my pain, bring peace to my heart that I still don’t understand and, most importantly, to have my girls. I accepted what I knew I could not change ~ my girls were in Heaven with God.
This choice is by far the greatest and most important choice that I have ever made in my life. In choosing to allow Him to work in my life and by completely surrendering to Him, I have felt such incredible love – just like He promised. When I am angry and feeling unbearable pain He is my lifeline ~ pulling me from the depths of my sorrow and breathing love into my heart.
Yesterday I saw a lot of rainbows because of that choice. If I would have chosen to turn away I would have missed them, I would have missed my girls.
Instead I felt their love and saw their light from Heaven.
Yesterday was beautiful and I am so grateful for God’s grace, love and everlasting peace. Through my sorrow He has shown me a joy that I know is only a fraction of the joy my girls feel in Heaven.
This time last year I said yes to God and He has held me ever since, giving me strength, courage and allowing me to see and appreciate the rainbows.