I’m Not a Writer

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This week I decided to go back and read some of my early posts in this space. When I looked at the date of my very first post, I realized today has been one year since I started this process of writing my thoughts and sharing our love drenched life.

After the girls went to Heaven a dear friend of mine suggested that I journal my thoughts and feelings. She gifted me this space as a way to do just that. At first I hated this idea because I don’t like writing. In the past I’ve been known to spend days writing an email or putting off any writing assignment due to the very last minute.  Give me a paint brush or sewing machine and I can create for hours. Give me a piece of paper and a pen and I would draw an immediate blank.

Needless to say, I was resistant at first, but found that I didn’t have to search for words when trying to express what I was feeling or recalling a memory of my girls ~ the words just flowed ~ something that I continue to be in awe over.

This space of mine has meant the world to me. It gives me a place to process, remember, share, grieve and celebrate our family love story. I usually don’t know what I’m going to write when I sit down in front of my computer. I just pray that God will be present in the process and I feel that he always has been ~ even when there are no words.

This space has been crucial in getting through my days without my girls. Sometimes when my heart is aching more than I can bear I come to this space as a release. It has given me a place to document memories and intimate details of our lives together that I don’t want to ever forget. It also brings some memories, otherwise forgotten, to the forefront. I love when I am writing about one memory I may have about the girls and that triggers a flood of others…sometimes I can’t write fast enough.

The process of finding the perfect photograph is also very calming in that, to find the perfect one, I have to sift through hundreds of others which allows me to remember and see those smiling faces over and over again. This process almost always includes finding a new treasure.

The most important aspect of this process of writing is the connection I have with Anna and Abigail when I’m letting my mind just go. I often keep myself very busy to avoid the unbearable pain that lives in my heart. When I write, I sit at my desk, in a quiet room and just think about them and what they mean to me.  They are constantly on my mind, but for the few hours a day that I write, I am doing so without distraction and with intention.  One may say this is part of my healing ~ I say this is one of the ways I mother my girls now. Their physical bodies are no longer present but I feel I am taking care of them when I’m writing and sharing their lives.

Like I said, I’m not a writer and when I began this process a year ago I was really nervous about my grammar and making sure all my t’s were crossed and i’s were dotted. My editor, Tom, reads each post before I push publish and makes sure what I’m writing is clear and grammatically correct (any mistakes are his fault). He usually sends my draft back with a few sentences about how much he loves our girls and how much he misses them. I think this process has also allowed him to stop in the middle of his busy work day and reflect. I know it connects us in new ways too ~ sharing stories, processing our feelings about this journey and most importantly continually reflecting on how God is present in all of it.

I am so grateful for all the kind words of love and encouragement that people share. I sit, often in tears, and read through each comment and am amazed at how we are all connected in this world.  There have been a couple of times when I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing by writing in this space, this came after some criticism about  how I have chosen to grieve. Your comments and encouragement show that my choice to write is exactly what I should be doing. Thank you!

Thank you for your support and for joining us in celebrating our Love-Drenched-Life. I decided when I started this process that I would write in this space as long as I felt moved to do so.

Our love story will never end so I’m sure I will be writing for a long time.

18 thoughts on “I’m Not a Writer

  1. I have loved reading your “love story” and feel I am getting to read a very good book written by a very good writer. On top of it I know the author personally and respect her honesty and beliefs. There’s so much of your story as a reader I do not like. I would love a fairy tale love story. I would love for the prince and princess to get married, and live happily ever after. But since the story is written and cannot be changed. You have made me read on and you have given me hope that there will still be a happy ending. I have always wished I could impress on those whose loved ones have gone to Heaven, that they can miss them all they want but if they truly want them to rest in Peace they have to create a Peace on Earth. Your realization that you are still their Mother is so true and your girls need you more now than ever to continue creating yours, theirs and Toms story!

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  2. I am so thankful that you are writing. Its raw, beautiful and I know it is helping others to process their own grief and sorrows. I find myself grieving deeply with you as I read your words, Its rare that I finish a post without being in tears. We are called to grief with those who are grieving and I truly believe its because it brings us into a deeper prayer relationship with the Holy Spirit. I know I often wake up in the middle of night with you heavy on my heart, or in the middle of the day and I stop and pray. Its all I can offer you- I wish there was more. However, I know that lifting you up in prayer is the most powerful thing and I can trust God to meet you in a powerful way. Love you so much. You are mothering your girls beautifully by sharing pieces of their life with the world.

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  3. I love that you write in this space and I feel almost like we are having a conversation every time you write. I honestly wouldn’t know how to immediately respond if we were having this conversation personally, but I feel the words would be there if the time were to come. (And I know someday it will!) so thank you for sharing and keeping our 3000 mile gap a little smaller. Every time I see that you have posted a new entry, I stop everything and read it. I am with you and hanging on to your every word! Love ya Dieter 🙂

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  4. Susan I love reading your heartfelt, loving, inspirational posts, the pictures are a wonderful addition. I heard you speak at Boardman Rotary, the courage and love you showed was just amazing, I will never forget it. Again, please know there are people all over praying for you and your family. My mom, who also experienced the loss of my sister at the age of fifteen, always said, ” Go with God”, may his love and mercy follow you and your family always.

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  5. And I am thankful that you share with us so that I can share with my daughters and show them how amazing you can be even when you are going through the worst adversities!!!!

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  6. Beautifully written! I was not with you until this summer and now I look forward to every post, words or pictures. Everyone grieves in their own way and there should be no judgement! This works for you two and I’m sure there are many out there who have been guided by your doing this😊 keep on doing this as I am sure God is present, guiding and blessing you and a multitude of others. God Bless😍

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  7. You are a beautiful mother with an amazing gift. ❤️ You always capture a moment with your girls in such a perfect way that I’m pulled right in. It’s quite generous of you to share with us to this depth, and I appreciate the connection we have with you, through your writings. We love you…

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  8. I’m so glad you have chosen to share your girls, and your life with us here—what a blessing! Everyone is different and everyone grieves differently. You have chosen a very positive, uplifting way to grieve, in the midst of unbearable pain. You are pointing people to God, our only source of true comfort, peace, hope, joy that lasts. Any comfort or peace in this world is temporary at best. I think you’re a very good writer…..you share your heart. Thank you!

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  9. I treasure this space too Susan, but for different reasons. I love your words and photos, but above all I love getting to know your girls and your connection. I love going to a quiet space to learn more about who your girls are.

    I think of you everyday and I come here when I feel that voice calling me to check in on you. I have become a better version of me through reading these posts and I think you sharing grief and your experience of it has been a wonderful gift to our community. Thank Susan for sharing your heart with us. Much love

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  10. Susan,
    As I’m processing my own grief, I find comfort in your words, your thought process, your choice to live in Love and Joy, your bravery, your transparency, your honesty. Thank you for taking us all along with you and letting us know your Love Story! Xoxo

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  11. Dearest Susan, I have read every single post and truly feel the love you have for your girls. To know that Tom reads and edits them makes them even more special – I shall keep an eye out for his mistakes! My loving thoughts are with you both for Thanksgiving, I know your angels will be watching you.

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  12. I am so glad that you do choose to write. You are an inspiration for all Mothers. It astounds me how strong you are. Everyone of your blogs brings me to tears, but makes me so much stronger of a Mother after I read it. Through your tragity you have come to help encourage a lot of people. I couldn’t amagine the pain that you feel. I pray for you. That you continue to heal and share the beautiful love drenched life you share with your family.
    Much love, XXX

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  13. What I love about, when reading your posts, is even when you make my heart ache with the grief you experience, there is just so much love that nudges its way in.

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