Pretending

So much going on these past two weeks and I’m finding it hard to come and share it all in this space. I want to, more than anything, but time gets away from me and I find another day has gone by. In the past month I have found that I long for this space and the connection it gives me with my girls. I think it is the quiet time in reflection that I long for the most. Setting everything aside and allowing myself to just feel.

I’ve said before that writing was never something I loved to do but over the past 18 months it has become “something” for me. I’ve been trying to find the words for what that “something” is and haven’t found them yet ~ I know it will come. Sometimes I wish all the busyness would go away and I could just sit and write, reflect and share stories about Anna and Abigail all day every day. I feel God nudging me in that direction and I can see how He carves time out in my day for this to happen, now it’s just up to me to fight the urges to do everything but what He wants. We are working it out <3.

For Tom’s birthday all he wanted was to go see one of his favorite bands, The Drive-By Truckers. They were coming to town and he mentioned 2 times before his birthday that he would really love to go see them. Tom never asks for much, actually he really never asks for anything so the fact that he was making this request made me happy. I promptly purchased two tickets and was excited to grant him his birthday wish.

Last night was the concert and to be honest after a very filled weekend of speaking at a DonateLife Northwest event and being away from home at the Forward Edge Gathering we were really tired. Both thinking that spending a late night downtown was not in our best interest but we decided that we were going to get coffee and muscle through it. The concert was great and we both stayed awake for the whole thing. I smile as I write this because the last concert we went to downtown we both fell asleep while listening…we are not late night people.

Before the show we struck up a conversation with two woman sitting in front of us.

“Where are you all from?” the woman on the right asked.

“Forest Grove, we usually aren’t out this late and that is why we are drinking coffee.” Tom replied.

Everyone in the place had a cup of beer in hand…we had coffee.

“Do you all have any children?” she asked I’m sure trying to make sense of why we were drinking coffee instead of beer.

“Yes, 4.” I said.

“4!!! No wonder you all are so tired.”

Tom held my hand tighter and I think we both knew what was about to happen.

We then explained that we are blended and that the younger two lived with us and the older two lived with their mom.  We talked a little about each one starting with our oldest and her college plans and then ended with our 8 yr old and what she has been up to these days. I’m sure we gave them a little more info than they wanted but they seemed interested and enjoyed hearing our stories. I know that Tom and I enjoyed sharing them.

They never asked if our daughters were in Heaven so we pretended they weren’t. As I shared about Abigail being 13 the woman on the left said something to the effect that teenagers are hard. I looked at Tom and he winked at me and then I said, “our Abigail is actually delightful at the age of 13.”

Shortly after our conversation about our family the lights dimmed and the music started. I sat there for a bit, listening to the music, feeling Tom’s joy for being at the concert and wondering if we did the right thing by pretending – wondering if it would hurt our hearts later that night when we went home and the girls weren’t there.

I will be honest and say that part of our pretending was not wanting to ruin their evening by the hard facts of our life. I’ve seen the look of anguish all to often when someone, who does not know our life circumstances, asks about my children. Pretending felt like the right thing to do at the time and I can say that it was nice to talk about them in the present tense and to do so holding on tight to my husband’s hand.

We pretended last night that our daughters were tucked into their beds being watched by a sitter that they loved while their parents were out for the evening.

We pretended that our lives were how we wished they would be ~ minus the concert and the sitter.