I’m struggling…I miss my girls and I can’t fix that problem.
What we have had going on in the past couple of weeks, cross-country trips, Kennedy’s visit, retreats, presentations, play rehearsal and getting ready for the Love Rocks Run, has worn us both out. Yesterday I found myself asleep on the couch most the day and last night at play rehearsal I actually fell asleep…not good when you’re one of the directors.
This morning as I opened my eyes and reality set in my sadness consumed me. When I’m tired and worn out it is harder to move through my grief and right now my wetsuit is extremely tight and uncomfortable.
I am so tired of wearing this stupid wetsuit of grief.
The past couple of weeks I have been so busy that I’ve not taken the time to be in the Word and I haven’t spent much alone time with God. I can feel Him nudging me as if to say, “I’m here, no need to worry, let me lighten your grief.” Instead of listening I keep going and fall victim to the business of this world which in turn brings me to a really hard space.
This morning I took time to pray, read His Word and just listened. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace but again, I just really miss Anna and Abigail ~ my unfixable problem.
Shortly after my quiet time I decided to take Linus for a long walk, it’s beautiful and getting out of the house does me good. A friend, who I met because Anna and her daughter were friends, stopped to say hi. I haven’t seen her much since the girls went to Heaven; it was so good to see her and connect again. I miss our friendship and I miss our daughters friendship too. As we were chatting she handed me a CD which had a video of our girls during a tumbling class they took together in the summer of 2013, the summer before Anna went to Heaven. She said she had had it for a while but just never knew the right time to give it to me.
Last night I sat on my computer looking at photos of Anna and Abigail and realized that I’ve looked at every single one, thousands of times…there are no more to discover. The reality of this and the reality of my unfixable problem made my heart hurt in a new way, I miss them so much.
Running into my friend and the video of our daughters was an answer to my prayer this morning.
He hears me, He knows how I ache and He has and will always be kind and loving. He can’t fix my problem but He can surround me with love and kindness by the way of a friend that I have missed and a video of my girl smiling, tumbling across a mat and then pulling at her leotard which brings back so many wonderful conversations about how she always gets a wedgie during tumbling class….which brings a big smile to my face.
The video ~ it’s perfect and I have to say my girl had some serious muscles.
Thank you friend for stopping today ~ it meant the world to me.