Woke up this morning to the sound of rain outside our window.
My first thought, I wonder how long Linus will take going potty.
Second thought, I probably will need to dig out the umbrella.
Third thought, so happy for the rain and the excuse to stay inside.
Fourth thought, rain will bring rainbows.
We are approaching 6 months since Anna and Abigail went to Heaven. People keep telling me that it gets easier. My response is that I don’t want this life to get easier without my girls.
Tom has said that grief is like wearing a wet suit. You feel the tight neoprene fabric against your skin all the time. Sometimes you get used to it, especially if you are using the wet suit for what it is intended to be used for. Other times, it is just uncomfortable and more often than not it’s just plain painful to be sporting this tight uniform that causes chafing in places you didn’t even know would hurt so bad.
When I’m enthralled in honoring God or honoring the girls I don’t notice my new uniform as much.
When I’m trying to get through my day-to-day the wet suit is very uncomfortable and at times unbearable.
When asked how I’m doing I will tell you that we are managing. When you see me out around town know that it is painful to be out of my safe spaces. I will seem “okay” but know I will never be okay again. When you come to my house and see the sign on the door know that I like having visitors, but at that moment, I want to be alone because I won’t have to fake being “okay”.
When you ask if I want to go for a walk know that I do, but I probably won’t. Know that I can’t do small talk and I can’t go deep either, both are hard. Small talk makes me realize how different I am in my relationships and deep conversation about my life will more often than not trigger a flashback to the night of October 20th. Know that I love talking about my girls and our lives together. This space gives me the ability to do just that and be alone. When you say a prayer for us know that we feel it. We are so grateful for every ounce of love and support that has been given to us.
I spend time in the Word every morning, I pray and I feel the prayers of others, I keep my mind open to supernatural visits and I honor both God and my girls in my actions, words and thoughts. These things keep my wet suit from chafing most of the time. Lately though, my heart hurts all the time.
I miss my girls, I miss them talking about the plans they had for their future. Abigail wanted to go to college to become an artist; or audition for American Idol and become a star. Anna wanted to open her own daycare just like Tami. We had just started talking about a trip the three of us were going to take to Disneyland next Halloween. We were so excited and were going to save money all year so we could spend a long weekend riding roller coasters, visiting Tinkerbell and exploring the Magic Kingdom.
I want to take them to Disneyland. I want Anna to nurture children. I want Abigail to become a star. I want to take off my wet suit and wake up.
I just want to wake up and jump in the puddles with my girls.
17 thoughts on “Puddle Jumping”
Susan, the wetsuit analogy was perfect. I think of you, Tom and the girls every single day. It’s been a week full of rainbows and they make me smile knowing that they are always with you. I am so thankful you have this space to share how you are feeling and how we can support you in prayers. Love you so very much Susan.
Susan, I wish I could take all your hurt and sorrow. Everyday I think of you and Tom and we pray for you. I hate that you have to move through this space without your precious girls. I am sending you the biggest hugs possible. I hope tomorrow the weight will be a little lighter.
I’m hugging you!!! Today and Hug you always
How my heart aches for you. I can’t begin to know or feel your pain. I pray that you feel God’s presence. I pray that the girls continue to give you signs of their love. Remember all the people that care about you. We love you and know there is nothing we can do but we continue to pray and hope you continue to feel our prayers.
Love to you sweet girl❤️
Sending love, hugs, and prayers…always! I am so thankful for your blog Susan and not just for your insights and beautiful demonstrations of faith and love, but because it is a connection to you. Thank you for sharing your girls, your family, your adorable puppy, your joy, your peace and your grief in this space. Love you!
My heart hurts for you, thoughts and prayers. Xo
Prayers for rainbows and for the blessing that is walking in the rain with the added privacy hoods, umbrellas, and generally rainy wetness can sometimes offer. Thanks for the wet suit analogy and for sharing what you need from your community. So much love as you walk this path and keep finding ways to take care of yourself as you do. Hugs and prayers. So much love and so many prayers.
Thank you for sharing your heart Susan. I pray for you every day. I thank God often for your faith in Him- and your eternal perspective. I too wish I could carry some of the burden and ease your pain. I will continue to lift you and Tom up in prayer and trust Jesus to daily meet you where you are. Love you!
Thank you so much for writing this, Susan. It helps me to understand a lot. The wet suit is such a good analogy. I will continue to pray for you and Tom……always.
Oh, Susan. I just love you. Big hugs.
I’m sorry Susan, it just is heart breaking. I think you’ve put on a brave face for a long time now. Six months seems like forever for you to be missing the girls and I will be honest in saying that I hate it that you have to be without them. I’m sorry that this is your burden. I wish we could lift it and send it away forever. We do pray daily for you. I don’t think that will ever stop. It is good to know that the prayers are felt. We would do anything to ease your suffering if we could.
Susan I am so glad you have this space to let all of your emotions out. It’s nice to read all of the amazing memories of you and the girls but I am also glad to see that you are being a little more vulnerable and sharing your emotions too. I think about you everyday and pray that you are managing your data to day life with your head held high. Do the best you can. Have bad days and have better days. Love ya Dieter.