Woke up this morning to the sound of rain outside our window.
My first thought, I wonder how long Linus will take going potty.
Second thought, I probably will need to dig out the umbrella.
Third thought, so happy for the rain and the excuse to stay inside.
Fourth thought, rain will bring rainbows.
We are approaching 6 months since Anna and Abigail went to Heaven. People keep telling me that it gets easier. My response is that I don’t want this life to get easier without my girls.
Tom has said that grief is like wearing a wet suit. You feel the tight neoprene fabric against your skin all the time. Sometimes you get used to it, especially if you are using the wet suit for what it is intended to be used for. Other times, it is just uncomfortable and more often than not it’s just plain painful to be sporting this tight uniform that causes chafing in places you didn’t even know would hurt so bad.
When I’m enthralled in honoring God or honoring the girls I don’t notice my new uniform as much.
When I’m trying to get through my day-to-day the wet suit is very uncomfortable and at times unbearable.
When asked how I’m doing I will tell you that we are managing. When you see me out around town know that it is painful to be out of my safe spaces. I will seem “okay” but know I will never be okay again. When you come to my house and see the sign on the door know that I like having visitors, but at that moment, I want to be alone because I won’t have to fake being “okay”.
When you ask if I want to go for a walk know that I do, but I probably won’t. Know that I can’t do small talk and I can’t go deep either, both are hard. Small talk makes me realize how different I am in my relationships and deep conversation about my life will more often than not trigger a flashback to the night of October 20th. Know that I love talking about my girls and our lives together. This space gives me the ability to do just that and be alone. When you say a prayer for us know that we feel it. We are so grateful for every ounce of love and support that has been given to us.
I spend time in the Word every morning, I pray and I feel the prayers of others, I keep my mind open to supernatural visits and I honor both God and my girls in my actions, words and thoughts. These things keep my wet suit from chafing most of the time. Lately though, my heart hurts all the time.
I miss my girls, I miss them talking about the plans they had for their future. Abigail wanted to go to college to become an artist; or audition for American Idol and become a star. Anna wanted to open her own daycare just like Tami. We had just started talking about a trip the three of us were going to take to Disneyland next Halloween. We were so excited and were going to save money all year so we could spend a long weekend riding roller coasters, visiting Tinkerbell and exploring the Magic Kingdom.
I want to take them to Disneyland. I want Anna to nurture children. I want Abigail to become a star. I want to take off my wet suit and wake up.
I just want to wake up and jump in the puddles with my girls.