I’ve spent the last couple of hours on the computer, working on an online store to sell Love Rock kits and other handmade products to fundraise for Anna and Abby’s Yard.

I’m busy and I’m doing purposeful meaningful work. I’m smiling at the results and I’m focused on the end product. It’s all coming together nicely.

I stop what I’m doing on the computer to take a picture of a Love Rock kit to upload to the site. To get a better shot I need a piece of cloth to set it on, a pillowcase will work. The linen closet is in Anna’s bathroom.

I head into Anna’s room and wave of sadness rushes over me.

She’s not here anymore.

Sometimes when I’m busy, focused and using the wetsuit for its intended purpose I forget I have it on.

It’s never for long though and when the uncomfortable feeling returns it always hurts in new ways.

My girls are not here anymore. 

Wishing I was packing up snacks, yelling for the girls to get their suits and towels and heading to the fountains on this hot summer day.

Trusting God will get me through this unbearable heartache.

Missing my girls.

Abs fountain anna fountains



7 thoughts on “Pillowcase

  1. As I read this writing I feel a thick and uneasy heaviness in my stomach. A mother thing I suppose.
    I pray that with this, it is a sign that we are able to absorb for you, even a little of your pain.
    That is my wish.


  2. So many fond memories in those fountains. The joy in Abigail’s face and in Anna’s swish of the hand and kick of her leg are priceless. I wish I could give you more moments with them! Love you and praying for you always!


  3. Susan,
    I know all to well that ache. Cruising along getting life done when a smell, a song, or something you wouldn’t even think snaps you back into reality, into loss and grief. In those moments when sorrow, lonlines and grief engulf me all I can do is just say Jesus over and over and breathe through it. Remind myself one day I’ll see her again. You are not alone my friend. Praying for peace and healing. They all say it takes time, we’ll I guess we will see as time is all I have. Xoxo


  4. I can only begin to imagine your pain you and Tom are going through. It is wonderful to learn about the girls through the memories you are sharing. “If only…” Thank goodness God is in control.

    PLEASE keep sharing stories of the girls!!


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