What I want to write…

For most of the day I’ve been sitting; trying to put into words my thoughts and feelings about Anna’s 9th birthday tomorrow ~  trying to honor her in this space with my words. I’m finding it very difficult because I’m sad and just wanting desperately for her to be here as we arrive at another birthday on the calendar. Birthdays have always been a big deal in our home ~ we have always loved celebrating one another.

Tom just called and I told him that I feel bad because I’m struggling finding the right words and I feel that writing how I’m truly feeling is not honoring to her. He then asked me what it was that I really wanted to write and challenged me by reminding me that being authentic in this space is what I said I would always do, “she would want you be honest with your feelings ~ she knows what she means to you.”

What I want to write is that I’m sad and lonely without my girl and my heart hurts more than I can bear right now. I want to write that I don’t want to celebrate without her, that I don’t to mark another year I’ve missed. I want to write that I’m tired of surviving and want the pain to go away and I just want to live life with them instead of in memory of them.

What I want to write is that I miss her so much that sometimes I just wish I would close my eyes and wake up to her reaching out and telling me it’s time to go. I want her to teach me how to make rainbows and to show me the ropes in Heaven; I want to feel the joy they feel ~ I want the longing to end because the longing is unbearable.

I want to write that I’m so grateful that she was the one who made me a mom 9 years ago and that I’m truly scared to be a mom to her little sister without her help. I want her to know that I need her ~ I really need her and that for 9 years she’s been my world and I miss her, I miss her so much.

Tomorrow is Anna’s 9th birthday and what I want is to wrap my hands around her sweet face, look into her beautiful eyes and tell her that I love her more than she could ever imagine. I know she knows how I feel but that is what I want to do on her birthday!

hands

13 thoughts on “What I want to write…

  1. Happy birthday beautiful Anna!

    Susan, I believe that we get to help shape God’s plan before he sends us on our way here. Yesterday my mom thanked me for picking her to be my mom. Some people probably think I’m adopted now after reading that. But I think we know all the souls in heaven before we come here. I think we ask God to give us certain allies to help us through the challenges we will face in this life.
    I believe you and Anna chose each other and asked for God’s blessing to make that happen. She wanted you to be her momma as much as you wanted her to be your daughter.
    The legacy of your girls is helping change our entire planet for the better. I go for a walk in my Love Rocks shirt and I see people passing by change their frowns to grand smiles when they see it. Hearts are filled with such love and joy when they find a Love Rock!
    I know that will never ease the pain and loneliness in your heart from missing the ultimate love of your life.
    But I want to thank you for honoring your girls in such an amazing love drenched way.
    Milkshakes today ❤️
    With love,
    Kara

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  2. So sorry, Prayers for you’ve always Susan. Praying that on Anna’s 9th Birthday you will sense her close to you, and your heart will be over whelmed with Love. May your heart ache a little less on this special day.
    Happy Birthday Anna!

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  3. I’m just so sorry. Please know I’ll be praying for you all day tomorrow. (and PS – Moira loved trying to hug around your big belly today😉). Love you

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  4. Praying for you and your heart and for signs from your girl from heaven! A love like yours is eternal! Happy Birthday to sweet Anna…she will always be remembered!

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  5. I don’t actually know you in person, but I think of your family all the time. You and your girls inspire me to live a love-drenched life everyday. Much love and prayers being sent your way on Anna’s special day.

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  6. I’m sending you love, prayers and strength to get through her Birthday. I’m sure the girls will be showering you with love as well. I also pray for your heart to carry you through difficult days.

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