For most of the day I’ve been sitting; trying to put into words my thoughts and feelings about Anna’s 9th birthday tomorrow ~ trying to honor her in this space with my words. I’m finding it very difficult because I’m sad and just wanting desperately for her to be here as we arrive at another birthday on the calendar. Birthdays have always been a big deal in our home ~ we have always loved celebrating one another.
Tom just called and I told him that I feel bad because I’m struggling finding the right words and I feel that writing how I’m truly feeling is not honoring to her. He then asked me what it was that I really wanted to write and challenged me by reminding me that being authentic in this space is what I said I would always do, “she would want you be honest with your feelings ~ she knows what she means to you.”
What I want to write is that I’m sad and lonely without my girl and my heart hurts more than I can bear right now. I want to write that I don’t want to celebrate without her, that I don’t to mark another year I’ve missed. I want to write that I’m tired of surviving and want the pain to go away and I just want to live life with them instead of in memory of them.
What I want to write is that I miss her so much that sometimes I just wish I would close my eyes and wake up to her reaching out and telling me it’s time to go. I want her to teach me how to make rainbows and to show me the ropes in Heaven; I want to feel the joy they feel ~ I want the longing to end because the longing is unbearable.
I want to write that I’m so grateful that she was the one who made me a mom 9 years ago and that I’m truly scared to be a mom to her little sister without her help. I want her to know that I need her ~ I really need her and that for 9 years she’s been my world and I miss her, I miss her so much.
Tomorrow is Anna’s 9th birthday and what I want is to wrap my hands around her sweet face, look into her beautiful eyes and tell her that I love her more than she could ever imagine. I know she knows how I feel but that is what I want to do on her birthday!