On Saturday my big old dog went to be with his girls. It was incredibly peaceful and I know that at the exact moment he went my girls were waiting for him. I could feel it. I told Tom that I wished I could reach through at that exact moment and just hold their hands for a second. He was thinking the same thoughts. We both felt the peace of Heaven surrounding us.
I always feel a sense of peace even in my hardest times. I feel this overwhelming sense that everything is good even though my heart is breaking.
Before the accident one of my biggest fears was that something was going to happen to me. Cancer, accident, weird illnesses…you name it I worried about it. The thought of leaving my family and having everything change for them was very upsetting. Tom and I have a will that outlines exactly what we want to happen just for this reason. My wishes of how much time Anna would be able to spend with Tom and the kids, my parents and other extended family is all outlined. Our community is tight and the thought of her not being a part of that due to me being gone was hard to think about.
I wanted to live till 100 and experience all there was to experience with my kids, grandkids and life here on earth.
This all changed the day my girls went to be with Jesus. There is no need for a will or for any fear of not being here on earth anymore. I now have one foot in Heaven. Each day that goes by is one day closer to the day I get to join them. With this said, I also have a tremendous knowing that I have a lot to do here to honor my girls, to honor God and to take care of Emily and Ben before it’s my time. I know there is a plan and I am in motion to live that out, heartache and all.
How am I doing this? Where do I get my strength from? The answer is really simple, God. I have put ALL of my trust in him. How could I not, he is taking care of my girls, Tom and I. I see this in everything that has been laid out in front of me since the accident. Community coming together and loving each other, people taking care of us in ways I didn’t even know we needed, lives being changed for the better, people coming to Him for comfort and the peace that surrounds us even in the darkest of times.
I feel this amazing sense of peace that my girls are with me and I feel, see, smell and hear signs of this all the time. Little things, that if I didn’t have one foot in Heaven I probably wouldn’t even think twice:
- An overwhelming smell of Anna’s favorite soap. Not all the time, but when I need it most.
- A hummingbird outside my window the first day back in the house – that’s the first time I’ve seen a hummingbird around our house thanks to the cat population!
- More birds – geese honking as they fly overhead while I’m lighting the candles at dusk.
- An overwhelming sense to buy a book that once read at home says all the right things at exactly the right moment, not to mention that after taking off the bargain sticker it’s revealed the author’s name is Anna.
- Wind blowing, whispers of I Love You Mama in my ears.
- Abigail whispering, as if she is standing next to me, take care of my dad Susan.
- Double rainbows, single rainbows and lots and lots of sunny days during rainy season in Oregon. Sun is out right now actually.
- Finding Anna’s glasses in a place that allowed me, once finding them, to move an inch further in this process of grieve. It was also a sign that it is alright to take pictures again even if my girls are not the subject of those shots. I found her glasses in my camera bag.
They are here and when I don’t feel them I know they are probably comforting one of the many other people who need to feel them.
I know longer look up when I refer to Heaven…I look around me.
So, if you ever see me give the I Love You sign and there is no one around, know that I’m giving it to my girls because at that moment they are giving it to me too!
Family Beach Trip 2011 (one of many)