March 26, 2014
March 26, 2015
Linus the Healer!
This morning, in a hurry to miss traffic on his way into work, Tom forgot his cell phone. I woke up to the sound of it beeping because his text message box was too full – a message was trying to be delivered.
I needed the beeping to stop.
I found his phone, pulled up his text messages and went to the beginning to see if I could delete a few to let the new one come in. The first one I saw was from me and it had a picture attached….March 2011.
The three of us were going to Ohio for spring break and a wedding shower my mom was having for me. Abigail was nervous to be away from her dad but excited to venture out with Anna and I.
We checked in with Tom a lot that week since he was home alone (playing his guitar without distractions) while we were off having fun.
Abigail’s arms tightly wrapped around Anna make me happy. I can only imagine that these two are inseparable in Heaven.
I’m thankful for Tom’s beeping phone this morning and the memory of this moment.
Thank you for the kind words and prayers. I feel your prayers and can’t say enough how much I appreciate them. There are good days, not so good days and days that just really, really suck in our new journey through this life.
This morning I read this scripture ~
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5-6
Yesterday, and many other days, I try to make sense of it all – try to process why my children are in Heaven, why this happened to us, why, why, why! That road always ends up empty and filled with so much heartache – there are no answers to those questions that make sense. Yet, I still have days that I just want answers.
I have found the only thing that brings true peace to my heart is trusting in the Lord and trusting that the path He will lead me on will take me straight to Him and my girls. When I trust I see that path so clearly. Somedays it’s just hard to trust because my heart hurts more than I can bear.
Today I’m choosing trust and I am filling all of the gaps of “why” with His love.
Today I’m focusing on my girls smiling and holding tightly to one another in Heaven.
Sitting here trying to force myself to come up with something that makes me happy. Don’t get me wrong…I have a lot of things I can write about but I’m finding it hard to feel happiness in my heart today.
Today I’m sad, missing my girls and wishing we were in Ohio enjoying spring break with my side of the family like we have done for years.
Those memories make me happy. Just wish I didn’t have to live the rest of this life with just memories.
Today is not a good day and I guess I can say that I’m happy I don’t have to pretend it is. Some days I just want to scream “IT SUCKS!”
I’m not sure how I ended up in the comforter aisle ~ the thought of a new comforter on our bed was not even on my mind and hasn’t been. I like the comforter we have and our bed is the only one that is regularly used.
I was confused until I saw it.
At first it was the polka dots that caught my eye and then it was the rainbow colors ~ dark pink, orange, yellow, green, teal blue, purple and pink ~ the exact same pink that are the color of her walls. She would love it and it would match with her room perfectly.
There was only one left and it fit the size of her bed. It was on sale. It was perfect.
I stood numb for a moment, sad, longing and wondering if it was the right thing to do. Was I even ready to take off her old one? Am I crazy for buying something for Anna even though she is in Heaven?
I decided that I’m not crazy for buying things for my girls ~ not crazy at all.
What I am is a mom who finds joy in thinking about what her daughters would like now at age 8 and 13. I’m a mom who, over time, will always stay connected to her daughters in Heaven by embracing the things they enjoyed, the friends they cherished and by celebrating the love and joy that they spread.
I’m a mom ~ plain and simple and today I put a new bed spread on Anna’s bed that I know she would adore. I also danced around her room listening to Taylor Swift really loud just like we used to. I know, without a doubt, that she is smiling at her new bed spread and the fact that her mom will never stop mothering her ~ never.
Today I wish I was playing jump rope and teaching lessons to these children at Kiambogo Primary School in Kijabe, Kenya.
I put my application in with Forward Edge Ministries to go back to Kenya next Fall ~ now I pray and let God nudge me in the direction he wants me to go.
I sure hope it’s back to this school yard with these kiddos!