Last year I think I was still in shock as we moved through the holiday season.
I’m no longer in shock and fully feel the absence of my girls. God is good and provides me with what I need to get out of bed every morning and I know he will bring me through my deepest sorrow but that doesn’t take away the pain I have right now. The longing is more than I can handle at times and I am angry. I’m not angry at anyone in particular ~ just feel I want to scream most of the time.
Today I wanted to write about being in Shrek the Musical or start one of many posts I plan on writing about our trip to Africa, but as I sit here to write, these are the only words I have.
I want my old life back.
No words today just this photo of my girls being goofy.
I miss them so much ~ so much!!! That is me yelling…I’ve been doing that a lot this week.
Last year I talked with a retired teacher, a friend of mine, about an idea I had for the tree and she decided to take it on with her knitting club at Anna’s school. This week she dropped off the finished product.
With the rain, wind and all around icky weather I’ve decided not to put it on the tree just yet but rather wrap myself in it this winter. To be honest I may never put it on the tree…instead I think I’ll put it around myself and look at the tree.
Being wrapped up in this blanket on a cold Fall night makes me very happy.
I love all the details that make it so special…pocket for notes, words of remembrance and lots of buttons sewn on by Anna’s classmates. My heart is full and I feel so blessed.
Last week I was asked if I ever felt hopeless.
I spent a few minutes thinking about that word and what it means.
I’ve been reading a book from Francis Chan called Crazy Love. I started this book in a bible study group a year before the girls went to Heaven and stopped before it was over because, at that time, I put everything else in my life before my time with God. I believed in Him and His truth but I am ashamed to say that I wasn’t the best follower. I knew what I should be doing but the craziness of life seemed to always come first.
I recently picked it back up and truly can’t get enough of it. My perspective on life and Eternity has shifted due to our circumstances and I see so clearly what God wants from me. He wants me to love Him with every ounce of my being, put Him first above all else, stop, slow down and listen, follow Him with all of my heart and Love.
I can honestly say that living with Eternity in mind is what I want always. I want that to be reflected in my life, my actions, how I interact with people (especially Tom) and how I go about my day-to-day.
I struggle writing this because I am ashamed that it took something so tragic in my life to really get me to understand what God wants from me and how to live with Eternity in mind. I understand that he uses our suffering for his glory but I still wish that my circumstances for living Eternally were different.
Along with reading Crazy Love I am also watching some of Francis Chan’s sermons on youtube. This morning this is what I watched and it spoke to me so I thought I would share.
I don’t feel hopeless at all, I am hopeful.
“To live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21
Linus and I just got back from a walk, something that he needs a couple of times a day. Tom is great, he usually walks him in the morning and in the evening. My job is to walk him during the day and if I don’t he is very naughty.
Today is beautiful ~ cold crisp air, sun shining bright and the smell of Fall ~ my favorite time of year.
As I walked I began to see the piles in the street. It’s been this way for about a week, neighbors anticipating the city leaf pick-up program to come and take them away. I just pulled up the flyer ~ their next pick-up day in my neighborhood is November 30.
That’s a long time to see piles of leaves in the street.
We were about 3 blocks from our house and Linus, wanting desperately to visit his friend Briggs, pulled me in the direction of our friends, Kimi and Eric’s house. As I turned the corner tears began to fall down my cheek. They too had raked their leaves recently, but placed around the pile in the street were 4 cones. These cones were in honor of my girls. They were a reminder to those passing to be careful and to not drive through them. They were a symbol of love, heartache and what our dear friends felt they could do to make their friends not hurt so much.
As I continued my walk realized that a lot of people had kept their trash cans out by the street guarding the leaves that were placed and others had raked them into a pile just off the street to be placed the day of pick-up. I also began to notice that some people didn’t have any leaves ~ they weren’t in the street, weren’t waiting to be raked or in a pile on the grass. My thought was they raked, bagged and put them in green waste to avoid the visual all together.