How are you?

How are you?

A question I’ve gotten a lot over the past 27 months. My standard response on most days has always been, “I’m hanging in there.”

Now, with a little one at home, I feel that most want me to do more than just “hang in there.”  I have responsibilities as a parent that went to Heaven with Anna and Abigail on Oct. 20th, 2013 and now, with the arrival of their little sister from Heaven, have come back.  To hang in there could imply that I’m barely making it or that at any moment I may let go. I’ve found that, with the nicest of intentions, people in our lives want us to be ok, good or even great, especially now.

Hanging in there ~ that is how I feel most of the time. I have a sadness, the piece of my soul that longs so desperately for my girls in Heaven, that will never go away.

Hanging in there ~  all of my attention these last six weeks has gone towards taking care of, loving and mothering Alice  – which it should – and I am grateful for the gift of her in our lives.  Alice brings us a new hope that was not there before. She is a light, just like her sisters, and I am so grateful that God has allowed us to be her parents. Finding the balance between being a parent to a newborn and continuing to parent Anna and Abigail has been difficult. Sharing love and joy with the world is how I’ve continued to parent my girls in Heaven and when I don’t have the time to do that my heart hurts ~ we are are finding balance.

Hanging in there means to me that I’m surviving the worst thing, in my perspective, that a mother can endure. Hanging in there means that I’m gripping tight to this world to love and help nurture Alice so that she too can be the little person, and some day the young lady, that God has intended her to be. Hanging in there means that I’m saying yes to God and the life He has in front of me and that I’m not going to give up….giving up would be easy.

Hanging in there means that although I can’t promise Alice bad things won’t happen I can do everything in my power to build a foundation of faith, prepare her heart and nurture her soul so that, like her sisters, she knows God’s promises ~ promises that can never be broken.

I’m going to keep hanging in there because, for the past 27 months, I’ve learned that in doing so my heart is open to a world that goes beyond life here and extends into the world where my girls now reside. I’m going to keep hanging in there because Alice needs and deserves all of me, even the broken pieces.

How am I?

I’m holding on to Alice and keeping my girls very close to my heart.

My dear friend gave me this beautiful statue when Alice arrived. She said she saw it and thought it was perfect. I would agree. holding on

 

Happiness Journal

One day Abigail came to me and asked, “Susan, if we ever have another baby in the family and it’s a girl can we name her Alice?”

Yes Abigail, we will name her Alice and her middle name will be Lucille just like her great grandma and her sister Anna.

Cuddling with Alice Lucille makes me happy for so many reasons.love

Pinterest Win

I would really love to get a photo of Alice and Linus together all cozy and sweet. This week I’ve been looking on Pinterest and I found these images for inspiration.

dog pic

Hanna Mac Photography / hannamac.com

aa

Caroline Ghetes Photography / carolineghetes.com

Being that Linus will only be two tomorrow and still very much acts like a puppy (a very large puppy) I decided to go with this for now.

Dog and AliceThis doggie was Anna’s favorite and was often pulled around the house on a long leash.

I think the dogs in the above photos look older and a little sedated…don’t you??

I know that there is hope for our Linus and I know that one day when he is old and grey he will lay his head on Alice’s back or she will lay her head on his, they will be the best of friends and love each other!

l man

For now…he can just rest his sweet head on his Love Rock pillow.

 

Happiness Journal

Daydreaming while nursing Alice is what I found myself doing today and it made my heart happy…I spend a lot of time daydreaming about Heaven but the “while nursing” is new.

Today I daydreamed about Anna and Abigail and how they would have interacted with their new sister. I’m sure there would be some fights over who was going to hold her first, the longest and/or how to hold her the right way.  I also know there would have been a lot of love, kisses and hugs towards the littlest girl in the house, a title I know Anna has gladly given over to her sister.

Today I am happy that I can daydream about these moments, but I will say, I do so with a very heavy heart.  There really is no words to how much I miss my girls and how much I wish our little one had the opportunity to be held by them. Knowing she will never feel that embrace breaks my heart.

babiesmama and alice

Finding time to sit and write is almost impossible right now.

With that said, I have so much I want to share about this new little one and about our life together. As I find time I will find my way back to this space ~ I promise.

For now though, I’m going to keep daydreaming about my girls and feeding/loving on  their little sister ~ two of my favorite past times.

Unicorn and Guardian Angels

Every little girl needs a unicorn and guardian angels to watch over her. Our little Alice is so loved. Alice and Unicorn black and white Mama and girls 1

This past week we have been snuggling, cuddling, loving and cherishing every single moment we have with our youngest daughter ~ she has brought something back to our home that was lost when the girls went to Heaven. It’s hard to explain what it is my heart is feeling ~ it is mixed with so many emotions.  What I can say is that what I’m feeling is filled with hope. It’s as though when I look into her bright newborn eyes I can see the love that has been passed from Heaven to our home ~ the gift of her little soul to our hearts.

Settling In

I told Tom yesterday I wanted to write a blog post hoping that in doing so he would keep me accountable to sitting and writing. There is so much I want to write about.

Instead, I found that snuggling up on the couch with him and our little girl was what we all needed. Writing can wait.

This past week has been beautiful in the way life should be. We are settling into a rhythm that feels so familiar in so many ways but one that also brings to the surface a new set of emotions.

Leaving the hospital was very hard, the last time we left the hospital we were saying goodbye and embarking on a journey neither of us wanted. As the nurse took my blood pressure for the final time I was teary trying to calm my heart of the emotions that were taking over.  I didn’t want a reason for them to make me stay a bit longer but I also was very scared about stepping out into the world with a life I was now responsible for ~ so many emotions.

The nurse put her hand on mine knowing of my heartache and told me it was perfect ~ we were free to go.

Since we have been at home I can’t help but feel that Alice is surrounded by so much more than her parents love for her. She is comforted not only by us in this space but also by her Heavenly Father and her sisters that I know sent her to us filled with secrets.

This morning, sitting in the space we have created for Alice to get to know her sisters,  I sat and prayed out loud for her. When I was finished I then talked with my girls (as I do often), asking for them to watch over their sister from Heaven. At that moment Alice opened her eyes and gave me a little smile ~ the kind newborns give after filling their belly with milk and feeling completely comfortable nestled against their mama’s chest. The timing was perfect for my heart <3  She knew, as her sisters do, what her mama’s heart needs. That little smile was an answer to my prayers and a gift from all of my girls.