Digging Deep

Today was a snow day for all the kids in our town.

Today my heart has been heavy daydreaming about the excitement that used to fill our home on days like today.

I wish I didn’t have to search for pictures or dig deep for memories of what it felt like to have a snow day with my girls.

I wish they could be here to show their little sister how to make a snowman.

alice-snow

Happiness Journal

thanksgiving-playThis memory of our first Thanksgiving as a family makes me happy.

As Tom and I cleaned up the dishes from our feast the kids rehearsed a self-directed Thanksgiving play. I remember thinking as I watched that we were just like the Brady Bunch…didn’t they do a Thanksgiving play once?

I am so grateful for the many blessings I have in my life and the beautiful memories that our family creates every year. This year we have friends coming for dinner and our oldest daughter is here from college. We, Alice especially, love having her home.

Anna and Abigail I’m sure are having a feast in Heaven ~ I feel their warmth as my heart aches for them to be sitting at the table with us. As we move through another holiday season I hold on tightly to the memories we have created as a family and the trust I have in God’s love.

Happy Thanksgiving ❤

 

10

Yesterday Anna turned 10 years old and it was a big deal. anna thumbs up.jpg

Tom, Alice and I spent all weekend sharing lots of love and joy in her honor. I would love to tell you that my girl would have wanted to climb the highest mountain or do some far off adventure on her 10th birthday but I have a strong feeling she would have requested to go shopping with her friends, check out the new American Girl Doll store at the mall, go to Sushi Town for lunch and possibly hit the latest kids movie. In her honor we hit the town on Saturday and did just that minus the movie ~ Alice is still a little young.

Just before heading home, we made our last Love Rock stop ~ it was the hardest for my heart. Tom and Alice stayed in the car and I ran into Claire’s to leave our very last Love Rock. I went to the counter and explained why I was there ~ Abigail had gotten her ears pierced on her 10th birthday so this weekend would have been Anna’s turn. I asked the young lady at Claire’s to pass along my last birthday Love Rock to the next young girl that got her ears pierced, she smiled and said she would be honored to do so.

Yesterday, on Anna’s actual birthday, we spent lots of time with friends, shared lots of stories and watched as Alice walked her first 5 steps in her sister’s honor. I have a sneaky feeling that Anna was holding her hand ~ she wasn’t about to let Abigail get all the birthday glory with their new little sister.  ❤

Being 10 years old is a big deal and I can’t believe that my Anna is there. I would give absolutely anything to hold her and tell her how proud I am of her. She is my light and forever will be.

Happy Birthday Miss Anna ~ I love you to Heaven and back again, and again, and again…123happy-love-rocks-10-yrs

Something Traditional

halloween-2012

Handmade Halloween 2012

A cute purple and black witches costume, the first one that her mama didn’t make, was bought during a weekend she was with her dad. I remember when she came home she made sure I knew that she had found her costume for Halloween that year. I will be honest and say I was both saddened and relieved by the fact that she didn’t want something handmade. I remember feeling a pull on my heart that my little girl was growing up.

That costume is still hanging in her closet where she left it.

We had lived 11 days without our girls when our first Halloween came. It was a first holiday and I remember distinctly “stepping off the path” that we had once been on ~ the path where holiday celebrations included gleeful anticipation, laughter of children, the never ending question of “how many more sleeps till..,” loads and loads of creativity and the overwhelming feeling of being so blessed by a life so rich.

Last night, as Tom and I got Alice ready for her first Halloween, my heart was pulled in so many different directions. I felt so blessed to have this little one smiling at me as I pulled her “handmade by mama” ringmaster shirt over her head (it had been so long since I created for Halloween), and at the same time my heart felt so incredibly sad ~ I miss my girls so much.

Little Alice  has given us a reason to step back on the path we left 3 years ago, a path that I never imagined ever being on again in this lifetime. This path, not only has anticipation, laughter and blessing but also has a deep sadness for a life once lived. It is not, however, completely absent of Anna and Abigail but rather drenched in their love and filled with so many beautiful memories ~ memories I love sharing with Alice.

I could have never imagined how much my heart could feel until now ~ I really do feel the greatest joy and the deepest sadness simultaneously.

One day Alice will ask about the cute black and purple witches costume that hangs in the closet she shares with her sister. She will probably want to try it on and maybe even ask to wear it for Halloween. In that moment my heart will hurt as I long for my first born and at the same time, it will feel incredibly joyful that Alice wants to be just like her big sister and forgo the handmade costume for something a little more traditional.

alice-halloween-2016

Handmade Halloween 2016