It was early morning and I went into the room next door, Tom and the nurses told me to lay down for a bit. I did what I was told ~ I was completely numb and in shock at the time and wishing that I would wake up from the horrible nightmare I was having.
I closed my eyes.
I remember hoping that when I opened them back up I would no longer be in the hospital listening to the machines that were keeping our Abigail alive. I remember hoping desperately to be in my own room listening to Anna’s feet thump their way down the stairs and right into my bed to snuggle. I remember wanting the nightmare to end.
Instead, when I opened my eyes on October 21st I started the first day of my new journey through this life without Anna and Abigail.
Last week our counselor asked Tom and I how our days were. His response was that we just get through them, “we get up, take a deep breath, power through, spread love and joy and look forward to being in bed again where we can check another day off of the list ~ it’s like Groundhog Day, over and over again.”
This reference really struck a cord with me. You know the movie Groundhog Day? Bill Murray plays Phil, a TV weatherman working for a local station in Pennsylvania and gets stuck in the same day over and over again. There is a lot more to the movie but I know why Tom made reference to it.
Each morning when I wake up it’s like it was on October 21st. I open my eyes, realize that I wasn’t dreaming and I begin my day without Anna and Abigail. My days don’t all look alike but the common thread of their absence, is and will forever be present. That is my groundhog day.
Some may say that I am stuck and I should/need to move forward. I would argue that I am stuck…I am very aware of where I am and how I’m chosing to live with my grief. For me it’s not about moving through the phases of grief, implying that it will all come to an end at some point, it’s about how I choose to live the rest of my life without my girls physically present. It’s about mothering children who are in Heaven, celebrating their eternal love and simply figuring out how to just be with our temporary separation.
When I talk about last summer, it is the summer I spent with my family as a whole. When I say last year I’m referring to 2013. When people ask me how old my children are I will always pause before answering.
There is a line drawn in my life calendar and it is on October 20th, 2013. Before I left Tom and the girls on that day, I remember looking back at them and feeling very blissful about how beautiful our life was. I will never feel that bliss again ~ and that is where the line is drawn.
Everyday I wake up it is October 21, 2013 and it will be that day until I start day one in Heaven.