Four More Sleeps

The count down would have started about a week ago. Anna would start asking how many sleeps till I start work and she gets to go to Tami’s ~ her favorite place in all the land <3.

Today I would say four more sleeps; and I would take a deep breath and realize our summer fun was coming to an end.

These were our sad faces on the last day of summer.

These were our sad faces on the last day of summer.

In four more sleeps I’m starting back at work. I have a new job teaching PE at an elementary school in our district, the same elementary school Abigail attended and where we first met. I will be teaching three days a week, grades 1-4. In the past I’ve taught Adapted PE and have traveled to every school in our district teaching kids with disabilities how to play. I loved my old job but always longed for a gym to call my own. I’ve spent the last week cleaning out the equipment room and working on lesson plans. This is a new adventure for me.

I’ve been told going back to work will be good for me by people who would like my pain to end.  My pain, whether I’m working or sitting in my house staring, will never end. I know that people just want to make things better, they can’t imagine so they try to fix it with their words. I’m here to say that after 22 months of living this life I know without a doubt that there is no fix.

I’m going back to work because I love teaching and I don’t want to lose my job. I’ve been blessed to have the past 22 months to focus solely on sharing love and joy, to begin learning how to survive with my children in Heaven and to figure out a new normal in our day-to-day life. I’ve been blessed by this time and I definitely don’t take it for granted.

There is not a day that I will wake and be grateful for “getting through” my loss. My grief will only end when I am in eternity in His presence and in theirs. I am surviving to the best of my ability and some days I do better than others.  Going back to work does not make my life circumstances “better” or mean that I am “ok” with my reality, it just means I’m making a choice to survive rather than hide.

My focus with my students this year will be love and joy (I’m sure that’s not a surprise). I feel blessed that I teach a subject that allows me the freedom to be creative and to teach life lessons. I want my students, all of my students, to walk out of my gym feeling loved and feeling joyful. I want them all to know that, no matter what, kindness is the key for success and being active can be a lot more fun then sitting watching TV or playing video games.

When Anna went to Heaven she was just learning how to read. When Abigail went to Heaven she was beginning skills that were prepping her for middle and high school. More importantly, when my girls went to Heaven they knew, without a doubt, they were loved and cherished. When my girls went to Heaven, we, along with so many others, knew that we were loved and cherished by Anna and Abigail.

It makes sad to think that there are kids out there that don’t know what my girls knew.

My goal this year is to make sure they do.

gym

Some see a gym, I see a big empty canvas. I think there needs to be a big rainbow on the back wall ~ what do you think?

34 thoughts on “Four More Sleeps

  1. I know this gym 🙂 and my daughter will be a student here. You are an inspiration, I lost my husband in January of last year, my children and I park at Anna and Abby’s tree often, it brings us a sense of comfort! Thank you. And I think a rainbow would be just wonderful!!!🌈

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  2. I believe you will be working at the school I worked at for 20 years (old and new) and I think a rainbow on that wall would be wonderful. The students will take your love and hope and kindness and return it 10 fold. You are a such a wonderful teacher and have so much to contribute to the students in a way that they will naturally return those lessons learned. Bless you on your new endeavor. Brenda Bowes

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  3. Ok, I know you are the hormonal one right now, but all I have to do is read the title of your posts and they often make me cry. I love your honesty and completely understand that there is nothing we could say to take away your pain, but hope that this new adventure reminds you that your girls are always there with you in everything that you do. You have a way of making us all remember to live every moment to it’s fullest. Thinking of you as you take this step.

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  4. You have an amazing gift with children and they are so lucky to have you. I’m so impressed by your strength and love. I just wish I could see you more often.

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  5. I admire the love and joy you’ve inspired globally, despite an unthinkable grief. Best wishes to you in your new position, and know you have a whole community lifting you and your family up.

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  6. Hello my name is kimberly, and I am sorry about your girls. I can really understand your loss and heartache, it sucks and never goes away we just learn to go on with our lives differently, but never forget our children or the pain. My first son was stillborn, the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, I really thought I was going to loose my best friend to,at the time we weren’t married, but it brought us closer together we’ve been married five years and have two beautiful boys, I’m so thankful for that. I still think about my first son all the time, wonder if he’d look like his dad or me, what his little voice would sound like all those things. I love what you’ve done with the love rocks, my boys and I have found one in gaston at the park. When I seen it, it made me smile. So I’m happy you have job, and your right no matter what u do, you always think of your kids, I’m sure seeing all those smiling faces will give you joy to. I have heard your having a baby, so congrats to u, it’ll never replace your girls, but I think it’ll help some of the pain. Guess your girls wanted to have a sibling. I just wanted to take a few to say I understand your pain, everyone deals with it differently, it wouldn’t be good for us to sit at home and be sad, just remember one day you’ll see those beautiful girls of yours again. I wish your husband and you all the best, and enjoy your little time off, before it’s busy. God bless you, 🙂

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  7. A huge rainbow is a fantastic idea! Thank you for loving every child that sees your smile. God and your beautiful girls are rejoicing with every returned smile.

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  8. This announcement fills me with joy! You are a true teacher: you have been teaching all of us for the last 22 months how to live when the pain is so great you can barely breathe: continue to give and spread love and joy, and trust in God. I’m so glad you will be teaching in a school again. There are many many children out there who will be changed by your love and joy! Go Susan!

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  9. You are right there is no fix. Our 12 year old Daughter Gabrielle went to Heaven in 2001. 12 years ago, yet my heart still feels the same. Broken. We go on and try to be happy again. Sometimes we are, sometimes the hole left by the loss is too great. …but we do it. We do it because we know that is what they want for us. Be happy. Live life. Know that we will be together again someday. So we go on. Day by day.
    Every time I see your posts and what you are doing in memory of your girls, it makes me smile. But it also makes me sad. I know that you have a hole in your hearths well. Not one, but two.
    Bless you as you start your new job. How nice it will be to have two gym Angels flying over your head as you spread joy and kindness. xo michele

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    • So sorry about your loss Michele and yes it’s day by day…most of the time second by second. I like that…my two gym angels flying over head. Thank you for that visual ❤

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  10. Big Rainbow on the back wall, I agree ❤
    I recently became a 200 RYT and I'm choosing to follow the Karma Yoga path for at the very least 1 year. This means I will be gifting yoga to kids/communities/schools. Please send me an e-mail if you'd like more details or would be interested in having me come to year school later on in the year.
    Love and Light,
    Fawn

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    • Thank you for your message Fawn. Before my girls went to Heaven I was on the path to becoming a Yoga Calm instructor at my school. I have all the mats and everything ready to go…just need to get back on track. I find Yoga to be so good for kids and I can’t wait to get back into it again. ❤

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  11. You are a true inspiration to me. I don’t know you personally but I have followed your story. I grew up in your community and am glad it has surrounded you with love and support. I know what you mean about the hurt being ever present but your choice to embrace each day with love and joy encourages me. It makes me feel like I can do better at dealing with the loss and hurt that has kept me down for too many years. Thank you for that and thank you for loving and cherishing the children of the community.

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  12. May God be with you every step of the way in this new adventure just as He has been with you in the past 22 months of grieving. May you always know His love and take joy in your teaching.

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  13. So beautifully written Susan. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. I love you so much, you inspire me daily, and have taught me so much. I am praying that this school year will be absolutely everything that you and hoping, and needing it to be. I’m also praying for each one of those children who’ll soon be a part of your world there at school. This will surely be one incredible Love-Drenched- (school) Year for them. They are going to be so Blessed by you!! Oh, AND YES, that wall needs a beautiful BIG RAINBOW. Cliff and I will chip in on the paint!!!

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  14. I was looking at Anna’s journal page hanging on my wall today and wishing I were cleaning for her. Always so very grateful for the love she gave to me. Love you!

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