We decided about a week before the appointment we were going to find out. With Fall approaching we were both needing to know some more details so we can connect with our little one. I found out with Anna and I felt that on that day we began our mother/daughter relationship. I wanted the same with this little one even though the surprise on the delivery day would have also been nice. We figured there would be a surprise at the ultra-sound or upon delivery….we chose the ultra-sound.
My pregnancy thus far has been seamless so I really haven’t had any reason to worry at all but since we’ve gone through one miscarriage (Feb. 2013) and now the loss of our girls we both were on edge till we saw our little ones heart beating on the screen.
Such a relief.
The technician moved the ultra-sound wand across my growing belly and there was a hand, another hand, hips (Tom thought that it was the face at first) and eventually 2 long legs stretched out, one kicking slightly.
We both were awe of this little miracle.
As the leg moved I felt the movement inside. It was amazing to see our little one’s movements and then be so privileged to be the one who could also feel those movements. I always try to explain to Tom exactly how it feels but I know that it’s hard to be the one that just imagines what that would be like. I do feel blessed and honored to be the one carrying our child and I don’t take that lightly…I have a job to do these 9 months and I do it with honor for all of us.
She measured and documented all the specifics the doctors need to determine whether or not we are right on schedule ~ Tom and I both silently prayed that everything is good, the baby is healthy and right where it should be.
A profile of a little nose, small lips and head, “it looks just like you Tom.” We both laughed.
We let her know that we would like to know the sex, she had no idea the implications of this moment for us or truly how deep our hearts were engaged with what she was about to tell us.
Many people in our lives have predicted we are having a boy ~I think they want that for us, something different from what we lost, something that wouldn’t be a constant reminder.
Tom and I have talked a lot about our hopes and dreams and always came to the same conclusion ~ we wanted a healthy baby, boy or girl.
“It’s a girl,” she said very softly.
My first thought was a relief, I know girls, I can do girls.
I then heard Tom quietly crying behind me and then the wave of fear came, “how will we do that?”
How will I hold this little girl and not see Anna and Abigail in her eyes, her lips or sweet nose and feel my loss over and over again? How will I hold her and not have my heart break into a million pieces? Little dresses, mix-matched clothes, hair pretties, baby dolls, art projects, dance lessons, a sweet little girl voice yelling Mama and Daddy ~ how will I do this?
As we walked out of the doctor’s office I asked Tom if he was “ok,” he said he just couldn’t stop thinking about Anna and Abigail and how much he missed them. That is why he was crying. I couldn’t stop thinking about them either ~ how were we going to do this?
We decided not to share with anyone for a while but rather let it all sink in, let God work in our hearts and show us His glory by giving us this little girl.
For the past 22 months, I have fully trusted God and there is no reason for me not to trust that He knows exactly what He is doing now. He has shown a kindness and love that I never knew was possible. He has stood by us, held us, comforted us, loved us and provided us with a peace that goes beyond understanding.
Starting about a month before Mother’s Day I would sit quietly and beg God to bring me home. I know the truth, I know that Heaven is where my girls are and I desperately wanted to be with them. I trusted God fully and knew that in His timing I would go home but I figured a little begging may move that along a bit. I was ready because the pain and longing got too great. I prayed this prayer every morning, “Please God don’t let my time here last forever, I’m ready now.”
On Mother’s Day (I know that His timing wasn’t a coincidence) He let me in on His plan, He needed me to stay because there was a soul that needed a mom and I was the lucky one. At that moment, as I stared at the pregnancy test, it all made sense; this little girl was always part of God’s plan for our family, she was a gift and she needed me here, our kids needed me here to take care of their sister and Tom needed me here so we could raise this little one together.
I can’t say for certain that holding this little one won’t break our hearts because of our loss but, to be honest, I can’t say that it won’t give our hearts exactly what they need to mend a bit either. This little girl is our family’s blessing and one we will never take lightly.
In December our little girl will arrive and will complete our family. She will be her own person, have a unique smile, a twinkle in her eye and have a laugh that is only hers. She will have her own likes and dislikes, she will have her own toys, clothes and will teach us so many things that we don’t already know about being parents. Like us, she will have an intimate relationship with Heaven and her sisters who live there, she will have a sister in college who is building a life for herself and will always be there for her and have a brother who will adore her and let her crawl all over him like a jungle gym.
She is our gift from God and we are blessed!