I keep a list of blog post ideas next to my computer. Every time I sit down to write I look at the list and for whatever reason I find myself writing about something that isn’t on it. I find this process of just allowing the words and memories to come to be very healing and it allows me space to really sit in my grief and to fully feel the details of my life before the girls went to Heaven.
There are so many details.
I often wonder why I didn’t appreciate those details more when they were actually happening. I don’t think that anyone ever thinks that maybe there will be a day you won’t have your busy life anymore. I appreciate the fact that I didn’t know my life with the girls here on earth was going to stop. Our time together was never overshadowed with the fact that they were going to Heaven soon.
Some may say that being able to prepare yourself would be better than having it be so abrupt. I know what I have experienced and can’t speak to having it any other way. I think losing a child, or in my case my children, is hard no matter what. Whether I would have known or have it be just as it was, my heart would still ache just the same.
So here I sit, typing away on my computer, pausing to sit and look out my window and daydream about a time when I heard their voices for real, saw their faces light up when I said we were going to have ice cream for a bed-night snack or simply pulled their hair back off their face so I could kiss their forehead.
There are so many details and so memories. I don’t stress about not remembering because I have found that the memories surface at just the right moment. It truly is quite amazing how God works.
Last night Anna was in my dreams. We were on a boat and I was on the phone telling my brother Jeff that I had Anna with me and I wanted to stop over so she could play with his girls. I wanted Ella and Aubrey to show Anna their fairy door. Of course he expressed confusion and as I looked at my sweet girl sitting, facing me, on my lap I remembered that I was dreaming. She smiled, I pushed her hair back, kissed her on the forehead and then I woke up.
I just told Abigail that I would give her a hundred dollars if she picked a piece of gum off the wall and started chewing. Love her expression!