I keep a list of blog post ideas next to my computer. Every time I sit down to write I look at the list and for whatever reason I find myself writing about something that isn’t on it. I find this process of just allowing the words and memories to come to be very healing and it allows me space to really sit in my grief and to fully feel the details of my life before the girls went to Heaven.
There are so many details.
I often wonder why I didn’t appreciate those details more when they were actually happening. I don’t think that anyone ever thinks that maybe there will be a day you won’t have your busy life anymore. I appreciate the fact that I didn’t know my life with the girls here on earth was going to stop. Our time together was never overshadowed with the fact that they were going to Heaven soon.
Some may say that being able to prepare yourself would be better than having it be so abrupt. I know what I have experienced and can’t speak to having it any other way. I think losing a child, or in my case my children, is hard no matter what. Whether I would have known or have it be just as it was, my heart would still ache just the same.
So here I sit, typing away on my computer, pausing to sit and look out my window and daydream about a time when I heard their voices for real, saw their faces light up when I said we were going to have ice cream for a bed-night snack or simply pulled their hair back off their face so I could kiss their forehead.
There are so many details and so memories. I don’t stress about not remembering because I have found that the memories surface at just the right moment. It truly is quite amazing how God works.
Last night Anna was in my dreams. We were on a boat and I was on the phone telling my brother Jeff that I had Anna with me and I wanted to stop over so she could play with his girls. I wanted Ella and Aubrey to show Anna their fairy door. Of course he expressed confusion and as I looked at my sweet girl sitting, facing me, on my lap I remembered that I was dreaming. She smiled, I pushed her hair back, kissed her on the forehead and then I woke up.
I just told Abigail that I would give her a hundred dollars if she picked a piece of gum off the wall and started chewing. Love her expression!
8 thoughts on “Details”
I, too, read your beautiful posts every day. We think about you and your family all the time, and see that you are still loving your girls with all your hearts. Your girls lived life to the fullest, thanks to their family and friends and their own little selves, and you do too – even now.
Hi love – I read your posts. Every single one. Sometimes I sit at the end and try to think of something to write. Sometimes I can’t think of anything to put in to words, sometimes I think “what can I possibly say?” and sometimes I find myself coming back to the same sentiment I’ve written to you over, and over. My life, everything I do and how I think, has been completely transformed by how much I’ve learned from you and Tom. I truly had no idea on how much I was missing until I started paying attention. I didn’t appreciate the details. I know it will never take away your pain, or turn back time, but please know that I continue to live my days in honor of the love you have. I’m listening. My heart aches and I take your girls with me every day of my life.
Love you Tori…wish we lived closer so we could go skiing together.
Thank you God for sleep and dreams. Blessings to you dear Susan.
Thankful for your sweet dreams! I’m always amazed at the myriad of expressions you captured on your girls faces in photographs. Abby’s is priceless! Love!
Made me laugh! That’s the kind of look I would get from any one of my granddaughters. And Timothy would just say Geeeeee-ma!
Losing a child or children is miserable. Our friends lost two daughters to a rare blood disease, so they went through a prolonged illness twice, a family life centered around doctors and not being healthy and feeling helpless. It was their normal. The depths of their grief also seemed too deep to fathom the bottom. I think having no notice or having the realization of what is to come does not really change the pain or the healing process. Both is miserable and unimaginable. I wish I could say that it is easier for you because it isn’t. I am thankful that your girls were blessed with years of good health, although way too short. They surely got to live life to the fullest in their years on earth. Prayers for you to find peace as you write, reflect and share.
I think she is thinking about doing it!!! Or pondering the likelihood that you have $100 to give her should she do it. I’m glad Anna was with you in your dreams. Wish she were here in real life.