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Happiness Journal

Life was good, we were so happy and my heart was full.

One More Sleep

“How many more sleeps Mama?”

That is the question Anna would have been asking for the last month. We would count down and we all would be very excited. We were all off school in the summer.

It seems just like yesterday that we were getting ready for their first day of school. They were so excited, Anna starting at her new school and Abigail being in 6th grade, which meant she was almost in middle school.

I will forever be connected with their teachers this year, they have become my friends. I admire them in ways I really can’t even put into words and I appreciate everything they did – not only for this grieving mother but for the students that they taught and cared for this year. They are truly amazing women, wonderful teachers and my girls were lucky to be students in their classes. I am blessed to have them in my life.

I remember that last year, the first day of summer break, Anna ran down and jumped into bed with me. She cuddled up and told me that she was so happy that she got to spend everyday with me now, I was so happy too. I remember Abigail (being pre-teen) was excited to sleep in, hang out with her friends, go to CBAP and “relax”. I was excited about the slow pace of summer and the care free nature that comes with having our days be totally open.

One more sleep Anna, one more sleep and then we are in a new phase of this journey.

Missing my girls.

One Wish

Every student in the first grade at Anna’s school gets to write down 3 wishes. There is a lesson before they write about what a realistic wish would be for school, trips to Disneyland are discouraged. The first grade teachers then grant each student 1 wish. Such a beautiful idea.

Teacher for a day, student helper for the rest of the year, a pink chair to replace the regular school seating, pizza party, extra recess and an art holiday are all examples of the wishes that have been granted. Today was the art holiday, which basically means that the whole day is consumed by art lessons, and Anna’s teacher asked if I could come in and give an art lesson.

We did a continuous line drawing of an owl and they did such a great job. Watching and following along, all creating their own masterpiece. It was so much fun.

As the kids were busy coloring in their drawings I wrote Anna’s wish on the board and covered it with a piece of paper. Some noticed once I was done and the whispers began, “Anna has a wish on the board.”

Anna’s wish was the same wish that her teacher told me she wished for, a class picture of her and all her students, Anna included. She was away when the official class picture was taken. I put in a call to my favorite photographer and good friend, Nikki, and she came and granted their wish.

These students, Anna’s classmates, didn’t get a chance to spend a lot of time with her but they sure do love her. They keep her very present in their room and in their hearts. I am so blessed by each and every one of them.

This morning was beautiful, the sun was shining and God granted me my wish ~ peace and a fantastic morning spent with an amazing group of first graders and their teacher.

20 Questions

I wanted to do it all year but never found the right moment, I wanted to ask if they wanted to know anything about Abigail.

Hands started to go up.

Did she have other siblings? What was her favorite food? Favorite holiday? Did she play any sports? How long was her hair before she cut it all off? Did she ever play any practical jokes on you? They had questions and we were happy to answer them.

It’s a good group of kids, Abigail’s classmates, and I feel blessed to know them.

I told them I would be at their graduation and that I had better see them all there. They smiled.

They had fun at the picnic we hosted at the park.

For Tom and I, it meant the world.

As they were leaving I shared she had crush on him, he smiled. He’s a good kid, I definitely approved.

I am happy she got to experience her first crush.

Happiness Journal

I have so much in my head that I want to get out but it seems to be stuck. I’m learning that in due time the words will flow, when God is ready for me to share. This has been the case up until now so I’m going to continue to trust this process and trust God, which has proven to give me a tremendous about of peace.

As I sit here and think about what has made me happy this week I can’t help but think of the many stories that have been shared with me, both publicly and privately, about how Love Rocks has impacted lives. They have given people a way in which to share and express love; something tangible that you put time and energy into and then graciously extend your hand and give away. This is such a simple concept and I continuously feel joy as I watch people give and receive Love Rocks throughout our community and beyond.

I remember when we went to Seattle for Anna’s 6th birthday and she asked if she could have some money to keep in her pocket, so that when someone on the side of the road was asking for some, she could give it to them. She was 6, so kind hearted, so giving; she wanted to give what she had (we had) to those in need. I was so proud of her and the heart that she had for others.

This is what makes me happy today, remembering how giving my girls were and how much they are still giving, even after going to Heaven. I am happy and proud to be part of an amazing community that has embraced love, despite a tragic loss, and is walking this journey with me. I am happy that I have joy, something I once thought I would never have again.

This joy I’m feeling, this overwhelming sense of joy, is like nothing that I’ve ever experienced before though. I think that it’s unbelievable joy that can only be felt through the deepest sorrow one could possibly have.

Today I had a thought, maybe this overwhelming joy is just a little piece of what my girls are feeling know that they are in Heaven. Maybe it’s God’s way of giving me a little glimpse of what they have now. It makes my heart so incredibly happy that they have this and so much more in Heaven.

How can I not celebrate that they are in the presence of the creator of the greatest joy of all. Celebrating doesn’t mean I don’t miss them, or that my heart doesn’t ache every single second, but what it does is allow me to keep my girls close, keep my mind and heart open to God and lets me see what He is placing in front of me. My once foggy, overgrown and rocky path has become very clear. I know that it will not always be easy, straight or full of sunshine, but what I do know is that it will lead me straight to my creator and to my girls.

I think my words just got unstuck!