He Shall Sustain Thee

It was a month or so after the girls went to Heaven and I needed to go for a walk, alone. We were trying to make some sort of sense of our lives and I was having a really hard time understanding. I was frustrated, angry, sad and missing my children.

That is when I heard her, clear as if she was standing right next to me.

“Susan, please take care of my dad.”

~

This morning has been very emotional as I’ve spent it reflecting on the reason we decided to go to Kenya. Tom and I need to connect, we need an event for us that is not the current event of our lives.

I love my husband more today than I ever have, for months after the girls went to Heaven; I was afraid I would never be able to say that. I was not home the night the girls departed and my worst fear when being away from them became a reality.

The perfect storm happened in front of my house with no warning to anyone involved.

As He can only do, God has spoken to my heart and has released me back into the arms of my husband.

As we prepare for this trip together I’m completely focusing on doing God’s work side by side with Tom, without distraction and with every ounce of my being. I know that God has a plan for us in Kenya and I know that he has a plan for our marriage. I am completely surrendering to His plan for our lives and believe in His promise.

“Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.” ~ Psalm 55:22

~

“Abigail, I promise to always take care of your dad, with all of my heart and soul.

Tom and I praying

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”- Mark 10:9

I am thankful every day that God has joined Tom and I together ~ even, when he forgets to take out the trash.

One Minute Mama

I was running late but I knew that she was in good hands. Anna was having a sleepover with her friend and I was really anxious to pick her up. I remember feeling nervous about how I would feel when I finally arrived at the house.

I was greeted at the door and told that the girls were playing in a downstairs playroom. Again, I remember feeling really anxious about seeing her.

I stood in the doorway and watched as she sat on the floor playing by herself.

I whispered, “Anna.”

She looked up at me with her big smile and put one finger out in front of her body saying without words, “one moment mama.”

I smiled knowing she was content and then I woke up.

Anna playing

 

Miracles Happen

new quote

I’m sure many look at my loss and say that I wasn’t granted a miracle on Oct. 20, 2013 because my girls did not survive. I cannot change what happened that night, if I could I definitely would; what I can do is share the many miracles that have happened, and continue to happen, since the moment Anna and Abigail went to Heaven.

On Oct. 20, 2013 my girls went to Heaven without any pain or suffering ~ miracle.

On Oct. 20, 2013 they met Jesus, the son of God and he took them home ~ miracle.

On Oct. 20, 2013 I stood out in front of my house and Jesus whispered into my ear that my girls were ok and, even through my immense pain, I believed him ~ miracle.

On Oct. 20, 2013 a wave of peace came over me (and is still there) that surpasses all understanding ~ miracle.

On Oct. 23, 2013 two men, one young boy, a nine-year old, and a lot of other people, still to be determined, were given a second chance at life because of Abigail’s organ and tissue donation ~ miracle x many.

Since October thousands have prayed for our marriage (and continue to pray) and those prayers are being answered ~ miracle.

Through the past 8 months many people say “Anna and Abby” and think of Love and Joy ~ miracle.

Love and Joy is being spread in large quantities via a little rock with a fabric heart on it ~ miracle.

Many people are opening up their hearts to the Love and Joy that is only through Jesus ~ miracle.

Lastly, although I’m sure there are many more miracles, is my all time favorite and the one I can’t wait for. Through the love of Jesus, one day I will be in Heaven and I will get the best hug ever from my girls ~ miracle.

Holding Me in His Hands

morning reading

I find that when life is busy it tends to be the one thing I can easily push aside.

I make excuses that I need to get ready for my day, or check my messages, and then I’m out the door trying to manage my new life. Sometime I forget that it is only through Him that I get out of bed every morning and move through my day. I am ashamed that this is the case.

Life is busy, challenging and sometimes completely overwhelming but, through all that, my relationship with God is the one thing I should not put aside.

This morning while I was getting ready and thinking about my day I heard Him whisper, “spend time with me.”

I closed my eyes and envisioned my girls holding His hands, looking up at their Creator, and nodding their heads agreeing with what He is wanting me to do.

The peace that I feel, the assurance I receive every second of every day that my girls are in Heaven and the unbelievable joy that I have felt through my sorrow is only through Him.

I can look back over my life and see very clearly how He has been by my side and how He has loved me unconditional.

As I sat with my bible and read through all of Philippians it was very clear that He wanted to tell me something this morning.

I am honored to listen, blessed that He loves me so much and grateful that he is holding me in his hands.

 

Found My Rainbow

rainbow rocks

A couple of months ago our friend Rebecca, from the Pacific Northwest Transplant Bank, asked us if we would come and share our story with medical staff from local and regional hospitals and transplant and procurement teams. Of course our answer was yes – so we wrote it on our calendar and slowly started to prepare ourselves for today; the day we would come face to face with the people who found homes for Abigail’s organs and tissue.

I was nervous and on edge, especially after my morning trigger.

Being able to share our story, one we wish we didn’t have, with these people meant the world to us. Looking out and seeing the faces of those who diligently worked on finding recipients for Abigail’s organs comforted me while I shared about our families last weekend together. I could see how much they cared about us, a donor family, and about our girls.

We shook the hand of the surgeon who performed Abigail’s surgery and we were able to thank him for his work. In his care our Abigail gave the greatest gift.

Today this was my rainbow. The trigger is gone and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the men and women who dedicate their lives to helping donor families heal by working hard to place their loved ones organs, so those who are sick can live.

We did not have a choice on whether our girls were going to Heaven. We did have a choice on whether Abigail would leave a legacy of hope, I’m glad we made the decision we did.

I know both of my girls are smiling!