Cherished Memories of a Life Well Lived
On Dec. 27th, Abigail’s 14th birthday which happened to also be our first snowfall of the season, we welcomed Alice Lucille into our lives.
She is absolutely perfect in every way.
Thank you for your continued prayers ~ we feel them ❤
I’ve avoided this space for a couple weeks ~ not because the words aren’t very present in my mind, but because my list of things to do has been so long that I haven’t found the time ~ something I’m a bit frustrated with because coming to this space is very important to me. I know in the weeks (maybe even months) to come arriving here will be sporadic at best, but just knowing I have this space means a lot.
This morning I woke up with almost all of my “before the baby arrives checklist” crossed off and thought to myself, today would be a good day to write.
Here I am.
In two weeks (or less!) I will have a little baby in my arms…such a crazy thought. Sometimes I still can’t believe this is where we are, in our 40’s and parents to a little one. The emotions that come with this fact are overwhelming to say the least. I feel so blessed by this life growing inside me but I will honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared either.
I’m not scared about being a mom, I have nine years of experience, but I am scared about the emotions that I will feel the moment when she is placed on my chest, when the physical pain of childbirth is washed away and I’m looking at our child for the very first time. I’m scared of what those feelings will bring, both a tremendous amount of joy and a tremendous amount of loss for the children I so long to be face to face with again.
For the past couple of months my PTSD has come in the form of the exact moment on October 20th when I realized Anna was gone. That exact moment when my eyes saw the white sheet being placed, the exact moment when my mind began screaming and the moment my heart completely broke forever. In that instance my life stopped.
Soon I will have a moment which is the exact opposite of the one I had on October 20th, a moment when life will begin as our little girl, breathing, is placed in my arms.
The deep suffering of the loss of the love of my life and the overwhelming Joy of a new soul to care for will collide in that very moment ~ the thought of those emotions coming face to face overwhelms my heart and my mind.
This week my counselor shared with me a blessing written by John O’Donohue. She said as she read it she couldn’t help but think about Tom and I, and our journey. It definitely speaks to my heart and the feelings I have been having lately.
For the Interim Time
When near the end of day, life has drained
Out of light, and it is too soon
For the mind of night to have darkened things,
No place looks like itself, loss of outline
Makes everything look strangely in-between,
Unsure of what has been, or what might come.
In this wan light, even trees seem groundless
In a while it will be night, but nothing
Here seems To believe the relief of the dark.
You are in this time of the interim
Where everything seems withheld.
The path you took to get here has washed out;
The way forward is still concealed to you.
“The old is not old enough to have died away;
The new is still too young to be born.”
You cannot lay claim to anything;
In this place of dusk,
Your eyes are blurred;
And there is no mirror.
Everyone else has lost sight of your heart
And you can see nowhere to put your trust;
You know you have to make your own way through.
As far as you can, hold your confidence.
Do not allow your confusion to squander
This call which is loosening
Your roots in false ground,
That you might come free
From all you have outgrown.
What is being transfigured here is your mind,
And it is difficult and slow to become new.
The more faithfully you can endure here,
The more refined your heart will become
For your arrival in the new dawn.
What is about to happen in our lives does not make me want to run and hide. I know God is working ~ I feel it in my heart and in my mind. He brings me to those deep places of suffering in order to transform me and draw me even closer to Him. I trust Him with every ounce of my being ~ how couldn’t I? Knowing, feeling and seeing the kindness and love that He has poured on me through my life. I have no doubt that there will be something so beautiful that happens in the depths of my own soul the moment I come face to face with our little one, I just wonder how much more my heart can take.
I trust God’s plan.
As the rain comes down today (and predicted to come down all week) this is the image I have in my head and it makes my heart heavy and happy at the same time.
My little puddle jumper. She hated to be cold and wet but once she was there she would sometimes let loose a little bit. 
For two years the hardest place for me to go in our house is Anna’s closet. It was where she spent a lot of her time – which may sound very strange but it’s almost big enough to be a room on it’s own. It was not only her closet but her office, apartment, Baby Mary’s room and her hang out spot. I have beautiful memories of both the girls playing house together in this space. Anna would be so thrilled to be “hanging out” with her older sister and Abigail was thrilled to be “playing” with her younger sister.
This space has gone untouched for two years.
I’ve been spending some time thinking about where to put our little one’s clothes. She is sharing a room with her big sister Anna but, after we made that decision, I also decided that the closet would be off limits, that’s Anna’s space. This morning, my nesting instincts in high gear, I found myself at a loss on where to store this littles belongings.
I then heard her faint whisper, “Mom, it’s ok she can use my closet.”
It was so clear that I yelled to Tom that Anna just gave me permission to use her sacred space for her sister. We both cried.
This morning I have been in Anna’s closet longer than I have in the past two years. I cleaned it, reorganized some of her things, put away things I know that she wouldn’t want her sister to get into (yet) and then made some room so that they can share this sacred space.
While cleaning out drawers and looking through half used notebooks I found new treasures which made it so clear to me why today, of all days, Anna whispered in my ear.
Today my daughter, once again, gave me reassurance that Heaven is so close and that both my girls will be very present when their little sister arrives home.
I am spending the week getting ready for our little one to arrive next month. It’s been emotional but, as I clean and go through spaces in our house for the first time in 2 years, I found that the smallest things, like a strand of Anna’s hair attached to a hair pretty, a small piece of paper with Mom written on it by Anna, Abigail’s favorite yellow hat, or the hundreds of bracelets she loved to wear, is like finding the greatest treasure one could possibly imagine.
Today I am grateful for the memories and that the space we created as a family is filled with them.
In the past 2 months I’ve slowed down, both physically and mentally, due to this little one who is growing leaps and bounds inside of me. I can honestly say I am grateful to her for making me stop and just be. I’ve been praying a lot about her arrival and what it will do to my heart ~ I can’t even begin to explain what it feels like to be grieving the loss of your daughters while expecting another to arrive. I wish I could share those feelings but I can’t and I’m not even sure if I will ever be able to.
One thing I know for sure is that our youngest will be loved by many including two girls that I know are patiently waiting in Heaven for their little sister to make her debut here on earth. As I prepare for her arrival I can hear their excitement whispered into my ear, Anna is over the moon that she will be sharing her room with her little sister and Abigail can’t wait for everyone to know this little girls name, the perfect name she suggested to us before she went to Heaven.
Today I am grateful for memories and for so many hugs and kisses from Heaven.
Happy Thanksgiving ❤
I’ve decided that I want to be more intentional about posting in my Happiness Journal. I’m going to carry on Anna’s tradition every Friday by sharing what has made me happy the past week. As I sit and reflect each week on our love drenched life I want to make sure that I am remembering the little things that have brought a smile to my face. I found that through my grief sometimes those little things are what bring me back to the surface when I’m full of sorrow.
We lived a happy life and I have hope that happiness will continue.
Anna and Abigail taught us well.
Spending the week sharing Anna and Abigail’s love story and sharing about Love Rocks with my students has filled my heart with love and happiness. I miss them so much and every chance I get to introduce them to someone is such a blessing ❤
This week was about focusing on my girl’s love and joy and moving my students away from the tragedy that happened in their neighborhood two years ago. My prayer is that when they hear my girl’s names or pass by their tree they remember the photo of Anna riding her horse and how she was a mamas girl or the that Abigail loved the theater and adored her friends and family ~ those are the details I want them to know and remember <3.
I want them to know that even in the saddest of times your heart can still feel love and joy!
One of my students shared this with me today after making her Love Rocks, “Teacher Susan, this Love Rock I’m going to keep but this one, I’m going to share it with the world.”
love-drenched-life.com 