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Anna and Abigail’s Heaven Day

I was laying in bed and I heard her, like I did most mornings, put her feet on the ground and run down the steps. I knew exactly where she was headed and I remember, as I did every morning, feeling grateful that she still loved to cuddle.

We fit perfectly together.

We didn’t cuddle for long that morning but instead, after having a discussion about waffles, got up and headed to the kitchen. I pulled down the waffle maker and she grabbed the bowl to start mixing the batter. We chatted about the day and the weekend, it had been very full.

She told me stories and I listened.

I told her I loved her, as I did many times a day, and she responded with a smile.

Our love is solid, our bond is deep and our hearts are connected.

That same afternoon I was walking home from the theater after volunteering, it was a beautiful Fall day. I stopped to take a picture of my feet in the leaves, the title ~ I love Fall!

I saw them hiding behind a tree and knew exactly what they were doing. Wearing spy glasses and hats both girls were trying not to move.

I played along.

Eventually they both came running towards me excited to tell me about their day.

Anna jumped around a bit, happy to have been playing with her sister, and then ran up the street back to the house.

Abigail walked with me and told me all about her first Annie rehearsal. Her voice was sore and her feet tired. They had started with It’s a Hard Knock Life and she was thrilled to be an orphan. The excitement in her voice made my heart so happy.

I loved that she was sharing, she was happy and that we were connected. I remember looking forward to her teen years and although they would come with challenges, as they do with most teenage girls, I knew we would make it through with even a deeper connection.

Abigail is a blessing that I never knew I needed and as we were growing in our relationship as mother and daughter I felt so much gratitude in having her in my life.

I grabbed her hand and she held it tight.

We ate dinner before I needed to leave for another obligation with the theater. The girls sat on the bar stools and laughed about spying on Tom. Anna very happy to be playing with her sister. Abigail happy and loving life.

“I love you to the moon and back,” I said as they continued to laugh and giggle at their seats. My heart was happy they were having so much fun together.

My heart filled with love for my family, I walked to the door, turned around and said goodbye.

For Tom and I, every day of the year is another day without our girls. We never stop feeling the heartache of their absence.

Today, on their Heaven Day, we give thanks to the countless people in our lives, both near and far, that have prayed, supported, loved and held us this past year. We believe that God has used each and everyone of you to show that He is so real and His truth is alive and well.

We know our girls are good by the peace that He places on our hearts everyday.

We miss them terribly but trust in God and look forward to the day when we too are in eternity.

We see clearly the love and joy He wants us, all of us, to spread.

Our girls lives were remarkable and now, in Heaven, they have shown us all what it truly means to love one another.

As always, I AM PROUD TO BE THEIR MOM!!!

When I said goodbye a year ago today I had no idea what that truly meant. I rest in knowing that one glorious day my girls will say, “Welcome to Heaven Mom!”

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Heaven Day — I love you both so much to Heaven and back!!!

Vivid

I remember it was a beautiful Fall weekend full of sunshine.

I remember holding her hand while we walked into the restaurant.

I remember how good the milkshake tasted.

I remember smiling as she recited the poem she wrote, “One, Two, Three, I Am Happy.”

I remember the excitement they both felt not having school that Friday.

I remember calling up to Anna and telling her we needed to head outside to watch the homecoming parade that was just about to start.

I remember appreciating our small town and its small town traditions.

I remember filling our pockets with candy.

I remember thinking Abigail was definitely a pre-teen, all she wanted to do that weekend was spend time with her friends.

I remember feeling blessed that she had such great friends.

I remember walking up to the pumpkin patch, hearing them argue, turning around and telling them we may need to go home if they didn’t stop.

I remember laughing while I watched Tom race the girls around the track riding tiny tricycles.

I remember telling the girls, again, to stop arguing as they fought over who was going to stand next to the big pumpkin for the annual pumpkin patch picture.

I remember telling them that in the end they were sisters and they would always have each other – so stand next to the pumpkin and smile.

I remember Anna standing on the front of the cart as we did our weekly grocery shopping as a family.

I remember Abigail trying to sneak her favorite snacks into the cart.

I remember Tom saying yes to the giant cup of ice cream at Costco and both girls looking at me with the expression of, “don’t be mad at us, he said we could have it.”

I remember taking more than one spoonful for myself.

I remember doing yard work while Anna played in the fairy garden.

I remember how excited she was to have a surprise visit from her friend for a spontaneous playdate at the park.

I remember grounding Abigail from her phone for having a pre-teen moment.

I remember how excited she was that we were letting her go to the corn maze with her friends, without her phone of course.

I remember how excited she was when she came home with stories of teenage fun.

I remember picking Anna up from her friends house after a birthday party, some Fall fun and a smores in the backyard.

I remember that she didn’t want to sleep over at her friends house but rather cuddle up with me that night.

I remember learning how to salsa dance with Tom thinking that our girls would be proud and totally embarrassed. I was excited to show them our latin moves.

These memories are my most vivid of my girls. These are just a few of the last memories I have from their last weekend here on earth.

It was such a full weekend filled with laughter, smiles, friends, arguing, ice cream and family.

My heart is extremely heavy and I feel the water getting deeper.

Jet lag, transitioning from a third world country to back home and the up coming anniversary of our girls Heaven Day is taking its toll.

For Tom and I, the sadness of our girls absence never leaves us. The mark on the calendar just means that we can no longer say, “this time last year.”

The distance from these memories of our last weekend together is getting greater. I will hold on tight though. I will always remember, always share and I will cherish every moment we had together.

God has gotten us this far and I fully trust He will guide us the rest of the way until we are home, broken heart and all.

I just wish I could have my old life back and not have to live this life without my girls.

Trusting His plan.

Faith

We walked down a short path and were greeted by her son, her care-giver and keeper of her land. He smiled and welcomed us to their homestead. I’m sure for both of them it was a bit overwhelming to have so many visitors at once.

She was sitting in front of the door of her home, a 10 x 10 brick structure with a tin roof and dirt floor. She wore a beautiful head scarf and was bundled up with layers of sweaters and beautiful fabrics that I’m sure were either sewn by her or for her. She heard us coming, but due to her visual impairment she did not see us.

I wondered what she was thinking as she heard so many people approaching her place of residence?

She was grateful for the gifts that we brought and was forthcoming on her prayer needs. Her prayer was for something I take for granted every day of my life, I immediately started praying. It’s hard for me to understand how some don’t even have their basic needs met while others, like myself, have more than enough. I continued to pray.

I knelt down, placed a Love Rock in the palm of her hand and held her hands in mine. A member of our group translated for me as I shared about the token of love I was giving her. We both held each others hands tightly, I whispered, “love and joy.”

She was grateful and I was humbled.

I stood up, closed my eyes and thanked God for the gift of this encounter, for teaching me once again the strength that comes from love and allowing me to pray for this beautiful woman.

Fatih is trusting — Photo by: Jaquie George

Connection

She was so excited to go on a date. I was too, especially because I talked her into going to get sushi with me.

At the time I had no idea that at the end of our time together we would have a connection that strengthened our mother-daugther relationship.

She asked lots of questions and I answered to the best of my ability. At times she blushed and at times I’m sure I blushed.

As we left the restaurant she grabbed my arm, held on tight and told me she loved me.

I responded by giving her a huge hug and telling her that I loved her too.

Then we both laughed.

“I like that we can sit and talk about these things,” she said with a giggle.

“Me too.”

I miss my Abigail!

Don’t Be Late

I told her that if she wanted, we could say our goodbyes at the door and she could walk to class with her friends.

Her response, “I want you to walk me all the way.”

We would get to the door and she would give me the biggest hug, a kiss and then would whisper in my ear, “I love you mama and please don’t be late to pick me up.”

I was a couple minutes late one time and she wasn’t going to let me forget it.

I miss our walks through the hallway of her school, her hugs, her kisses and her sweet voice reminding me to be on time.

I miss my Anna!

Play UNO

I woke up last night at 1:30 a.m. (11:30 a.m. Kenya time) and felt extremely sad.

What I wouldn’t do to go upstairs and check in on my girls while they were in dreamland. I used to love checking in on them, making sure they were still covered and kissing their foreheads one last time before I would go to bed myself. I would thank God for them and the many blessings he brought to our lives.

At 2:00 a.m. I was still awake, thinking about this coming week and the memories from last year at this time; family time, dance parties every night, running around to Fall activities, art night on Tuesday painting pumpkin pictures while we discussed Halloween costumes and upcoming birthday celebrations.

This time last year I had one week left with my girls.

This year I know what happens on October 20th – we have a new date on our calendar that marks an anniversary of our girls going to Heaven, an anniversary I would not wish for anyone to experience.

That date will come, there is no avoiding it, and we will get through it – just like we have made it through all the other firsts of this past year.

Since we have been back from Africa there have been a lot of questions on what we are going to do, if there are plans for any community involvement in observing this day or if people can help us through this anniversary in any way.

The answer is simple – if you want to observe Anna and Abigail’s Heaven Day you can do so by spending time with those you love. Create your own love drenched life with those around you.

Go to a park and push your kids on the swings until you arms get sore, making sure to do a lot of underdogs (Anna’s favorite).

Play UNO as a family and laugh as one child (usually Abigail in our family) seems to win over and over without fail.

Have a family art night using as many supplies as you can, allowing everyone to create whatever they want. Talk about favorite colors. Display the finished masterpieces around the house for all to see (I have many priceless creations from my girls that adorn my walls).

Make and share Love Rocks in your neighborhood, drenching your community with love and joy. Make sure to include all of your neighbors, even the ones that don’t seem to want to be loved – I guarantee they do.

Give lots and lots of hugs to those you love and if they don’t like to be hugged give high fives (my girls preferred hugs over high fives any day).

As a family, write your love story starting with Once a Upon a Time and finishing with and They Lived Happily Ever After – we have a beautiful love story.

Turn the radio up loud and have a dance party – there should be no spectators but rather lots of dancers (this was a nightly event at our house).

Spend time with family giving thanks to the blessings in your life. Create a family prayer time asking for prayer requests and spend time as a family praying for those requests. This is something we had just started in our house last Fall. I loved to hear my girls prayer requests and I loved praying for their specific needs.

As for Tom and I, we will be approaching this day, our girl’s Heaven Day, just like we have approached every other first this past year. We will spend the day together, with close friends, and will share stories, laugh, cry and celebrate our girls.

We will be giving thanks to God for the many blessings we have in our lives. Our hearts, will no doubt, be very heavy, as they are most days but we will choose to find love and joy in small miracles of the day – the humming bird that has become a frequent visitor or even a rainbow that may grace us with it’s presence.

We know that their Heaven Day will be exactly the way it should be, filled with love. We will move through it with no expectations of what it will look like or how it should feel. It simply will just be.

We will pray, as we do daily, for those near and far that have supported us and held us during this past year. The prayers of many have cleared our hearts and minds and have allowed us to stay focused on sharing the love and joy of our girls and of the Lord. We are so grateful for those prayers.

We will pray for continued peace, the peace that transends all understanding through Christ.

Just like every other day we will celebrate the beautiful lives of our daughters and give thanks that we are now one year closer to being with them in eternity…for that, I am so grateful!

Pumpkin patch big chair — Roloff Farms ~ October 19, 2013

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