No words today just memories of a really fun day with friends.
Color Run September 2013
Love
We have lots of love in our house and in our lives so of course we love Valentine’s Day. I would spend the 13 days leading up to it giving little love notes to Anna and Abigail, making heart-shaped cookies and sandwiches for their lunches and planning what we were going to spread love on the big day. I loved watching my girls create notes for their friends, Abigail loved to bake heart-shaped cookies and Anna loved to decorate them. We did these sorts of thing throughout the year but during the days leading up to Valentine’s Day we created a tradition to really focus on love we have for one another.
Last year I started putting little heart love notes in their rooms early in the morning before they woke up. Abigail’s were placed on the mirror in her bathroom, or on her dresser where her favorite bracelet’s were placed; I knew she would be putting them on in the morning before school. Anna’s were in her closet to be found when she was getting dressed or on the floor just as she stepped down for the first time each morning. I loved making these little notes and I loved that both girls would come downstairs with a smile and a hug knowing just how much their Mama loved them.
These notes are still displayed in their rooms by my girls. Anna’s placed in the various picture frames around her room and Abigail’s hanging on her magnetic board. I love that they were so special to them they displayed them.
I too have lots of little love notes displayed by my girls. Abigail used to leave me sticky notes expressing her love and Anna, at least a couple of times a week, would make sure to tuck a note into my bed to be found once she was in dreamland.
I love that these little gestures are still very much a part of our decor and I can’t imagine that ever changing. I can go into any room in our house and find a note left by my girls, always making my heart fill with joy for the love we all share.
Yesterday, February 1st, I would have snuck upstairs while the girls were sleeping and placed my notes in their spots. Instead I walked to the place they went to Heaven, tucked my note on their tree and told them how much I love them. I know they can feel the love in my heart, I know they know I love them to the moon and back and now to Heaven and back.
Leaning
When I first moved back to Oregon in 2004 I started working with a girl who had been in a car accident while traveling with her mom and brother to school. She, 11 years old at the time, had suffered a traumatic brain injury and her older brother, 13, was killed. Upon hearing her story and learning more about what had happened I remember being overcome with emotion, not only her and her brother but for her parents. This accident changed their lives forever.
I remember watching her mother work with her and move through this world with such grace. I was in awe of this amazing woman I knew had tremendous faith. Such a role model, so positive in light of her situation and so uplifting. I did not understand how it was possible.
I had faith but I still could not imagine how someone, after losing one child and having another one seriously injured, could demonstrate such a positive attitude and interact with those around them in such a graceful way. Why was she not mad and angry? How was she able to get out of bed in the morning?
Not having any children at the time I could only imagine what she was going through and I remember thinking that I hoped I never had to experience such a loss as hers.
If you would have told me on October 19th that my daughters were going to go to Heaven the next day I would have thought my world was ending. I would have told you that you might as well take me to Heaven too because life as I knew it would be over. I would have been convinced that if I didn’t go with them I would probably be curled up in my room until I withered and died. There was no way I wanted to live if my girls weren’t here.
I’m not sure exactly when it started, it could have been brewing as I stood in the alley the night of the 20th, in total shock that my girls were gone, or it could have started 10 years prior, when I first met my friend who I was going to have more in common with than either of us knew.
I didn’t feel God working on my heart, I just felt sorrow and a pain that was like nothing I had ever felt. I’m sure at some point he, all-knowing, realized the pain I was experiencing was far greater than any mother should endure. I had to lean on him and trust him with every ounce of my being or my heart would wither and die. Leaning and totally trusting him has brought me peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding.
He was not only working on my heart but the hearts of so many around me. He has orchestrated the most amazing support network around us and has prompted people to care for us and those around us. His love has been far reaching.
Some may say that we have made the choice to forgive, to pray and to live our life with an open heart to those who drove through the leaves that night. I guess at some point it is a choice but I can honestly say that I can’t imagine the alternative – so really there is no choice for me. I figure I have, maybe, 40 more years left on this earth and if I choose anger and bitterness and walk away from God and his grace I would be choosing a very empty life without my girls. I know being angry wouldn’t honor them, being bitter would only destroy my perfect memories and turning my back on God would essentially be just like turning my back on Anna and Abigail. I will not do that.
I think a lot about my friend and the grace she has displayed in the past 10 years since her loss. I think about her life now and how she lives so full of God’s love, I now see and feel it.
I know that God placed her and her family in my life for a reason.
He is so amazing!
In my Dreams
Last night I dreamt about Anna for the first time since she went to Heaven. It was beautiful and very comforting, just like I knew it would be. My heart is happy after seeing her again, even if it was only in my dreams. Hopefully Abigail will visit soon and maybe even Sampson. I would love to hear his high pitched girly bark one more time.
100 Days
When Anna was little we had a dear friend who shared with me some wisdom I have held on to. She shared that a parents responsibility was to teach their children to be independent of them from day one. That our little beings were their own independent little souls and that independence needed to be nurtured. As parents you love your children, take care of them and develop a strong bond, all with the knowledge that one day they will start walking on their own, have their own thoughts and dreams and be their own person.
At first, I didn’t want this advice. My reality as a single mom was that Anna, at a young age, was going to be spending time away from me when she was with her dad. It didn’t seem natural at all and I had a lot of anxiety about it. When the time came for Anna to be with her dad overnight I really embraced what my friend had shared with me. I came to realize and accept that this time apart would only strengthen our relationship and would allow her to really be her own person. Anna was flexible, able to adjust to most situations, confident and definitely independent at the age of 6. Sometimes when she was away I would day-dream about her life in the future and what an amazing human being she was and was going to be because of her circumstances. She had so many people who loved her and nurtured her independence. She was very fortunate.
Not too long ago Anna came home from her dad’s house after a long weekend and asked me what I would do if she was gone with her dad for 100 days.
At first, I wasn’t exactly sure how to answer because in all the co-parenting books I’ve read it often says that you shouldn’t inject your child with guilt when they are with the other parent. “I’ll miss you until you come home,” or “please don’t leave me” are all statements that you try to avoid. You want your child to know that you love them unconditionally, that you will be there when they get back and it’s okay for them to have fun while they are gone ~ free of any guilt.
So, when Anna came home asking what I would do if she was gone for 100 days I took a deep breath and said, “that will never happen because my heart would ache without you.” Maybe not the right thing to say but I couldn’t imagine her being gone for that long. I was very curious and asked her why she wanted to know. With a little smirk on her face, she said, “just wondering, I would never be able to be away from you either for 100 days.”
Today I am thinking about that little smirk on Anna’s face, testing me and wondering what my response would be. I’m thinking about the advise I got from a wise friend so many years ago. I’m thinking about my independent little girl who could be away from her Mama. I’m thinking about how my heart would hurt sometimes when she was away and the peace that would fill it knowing she was her own person. I’m thinking about and cherishing the amazing hug I would always receive after being apart for any length of time.
Today marks 100 days that Anna and Abigail have been in Heaven. In a million years I would have never thought I could be away from my girls for this long. Knowing that both of my girls are independent, strong, confident and courageous helps me know that they are okay in Heaven without their mama. They are my role models now and I can only hope that I can be as independent, strong, confident and courageous as them for the rest of my days here on earth.
And I was right, my heart does ache.
Stanley
I remember once in college, or maybe even high school being in the same room when the movie Caddyshack was on TV. A classic movie of 1980 and one I really didn’t pay much attention to. All I remember is that my brothers, along with most of the other males in my life, loved this sport movie cult classic and would often quote lines from Bill Murray, Chevy Chase and Rodney Dangerfield and then laugh uncontrollably about the silly little gopher that tormented Bill Murray on the golf course.
I never really got it.
Last weekend Tom and I decided to add some more pom-pom yarn (the same yarn that my girls decorated their rooms with) to the girl’s tree. This tree is very special to us for obvious reasons and I would like to say that we have taken ownership of it, if you can say that about a tree. My girls spent their last moments on earth playing in this trees leaves. They went to Jesus under this tree. It’s by this tree that I can hear their whispers in the form of the wind blowing through pinwheels. We have decorated this tree with pom-pom yarn, cut out hearts and love notes to my sweet girls in Heaven. Each night I light candles at the base of this tree in honor of my girls and the life they lead.
This tree is very much a part of our life and I think it’s safe to say it always will be.
So, last weekend Tom and I decided that we needed to wrap the pom-pom yarn all the way up to the first branch. This required some teamwork and a ladder. Tom had the great idea that we should throw the yarn over the lowest branch (which was pretty high up) and to do so he had to stand on the ladder. We bickered back and forth, me thinking he was going to fall and Tom thinking the girls would love the fact he was getting it up there so high. I agreed with his thought about the girls and we wrapped the yarn real tight around the tree and branch. It was very important for me that the yarn was wrapped tight, I didn’t want any of it sagging.
I really liked how it turned out and I looked forward to cutting out more hearts and tucking them up high into the yarn. There is still lots of work to do around the tree, I like to think it’s a work in progress. 
What does Caddyshack and the girl’s tree have anything to do with one another?
It seems that there is a bit of a bandit loose and this bandit, aka Stanley the Squirrel, has been gnawing through my tight pom-pom yarn. At first I thought someone might have cut the yarn making it loose and hang down but, upon investigation, I realized that it must have been an animal of sorts. That little pest, I couldn’t believe he was ruining our beautifully wrapped yarn. 
Shortly after recognizing that it was probably a squirrel wouldn’t you know it, one came pouncing down in front of the District Office with a giant leaf in his mouth. He stopped, stared and ran up the tree into a hole just past the last piece of yarn. He then put the leaf away in his comfy pom-pom filled home and stuck his head out. At that exact moment I thought about that little gopher in the movie Caddyshack and all of its shenanigans. I now have my own little squirrel that just made decorating the girls tree an adventure. My own Caddyshack minus the explosives.
I have not seen my little friend today. I’m hoping that he didn’t get scared, pack his bags (filled with pom-pom yarn and paper hearts) and high tail it to another tree. I sure hope he decides to stay around and help us with his own personal touches.
I have this lovely vision of Stanley resting his sweet little head on a little pink pom-pom each night. Hopefully I will be able to take a picture of him sometime. I even thought that maybe Stanley is actually Sally and maybe she’s preparing a nest so when she delivers her babies they will be nice and comfy. Wouldn’t that be sweet?
Life at Anna and Abigail’s tree, an adventure for sure!
love-drenched-life.com 