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Baby Jesus

When I was little I received a baby doll for Christmas that was very life like. When you pulled a string it would move it’s mouth and face. A little creepy but as a little girl I thought it was so amazing. This doll was one that my mom decided to keep for me for when I had a little girl of my own.

When Anna was three I crawled up into our attic and pulled down this life like baby so that she could have the same joy I had when I was little. “Pull the string,” I told her and at that moment I realized that the mechanical workings of this doll were very dated. The mechanism that made this dolls mouth move was so loud that it starteled Anna and she gave me a really weird look. The string was not pulled much after that. Anna did however love having a new doll to play with and when asked what it’s name was (it was in a bonnet and dress) she without hesitation said “Baby Jesus”.

Baby Jesus was very loved by Anna! She fed him, dressed him in her old baby cloths (life like remember) and took very good care of this doll that her mama had also cared for. Whenever we would read her little bible for a night time story she would run and get Baby Jesus and set him in her lap. She loved this doll and I love her!

The Christmas after receiving Baby Jesus we traveled to Ohio to visit our family. It was tradition to attend my Grandma’s catholic church for Christmas Eve service and I loved doing so. My Grandma was so proud to have her entire family sitting in a pew with her celebrating the birth of Jesus. She would grab my hand, squeeze it tight and whisper, “I love this!”

During this visit back to Ohio we went with my mom and grandma to visit the nativity scene that sat out in front of her church. It was life like and we thought it would be nice to show Anna. We parked the car and walked over to the real life scene of Mary, Joseph, shepards, kings and life like animals that sat majestically in front of the church, lit up for all passer bys to see. As we slowly approached Anna grabbed me by my hand, I’m sure she was a bit nervous. We looked into the manger and both said the same exact thing…BABY JESUS! The exact same doll that Anna and I shared as toddlers was sitting in the manger. It was our Baby Jesus. Something magical happened that night. The love of the Lord filled my little girls heart.

Today, Christmas, Anna and Abigail are celebrating with Jesus. I can only imagine how amazing it must be to be with him and how at peace my girls are right now. I know that they are probably making milkshakes and dancing around singing. The thought of it makes me smile.

I sure do miss them and my heart aches to not hear them run down the steps in excitement for our Christmas morning traditions. Knowing that they are celebrating with the Lord definitely eases some of that pain.

HAVE A VERY BLESSED HOLIDAY SEASON!

One foot in Heaven

On Saturday my big old dog went to be with his girls. It was incredibly peaceful and I know that at the exact moment he went my girls were waiting for him. I could feel it. I told Tom that I wished I could reach through at that exact moment and just hold their hands for a second. He was thinking the same thoughts. We both felt the peace of Heaven surrounding us.

I always feel a sense of peace even in my hardest times. I feel this overwhelming sense that everything is good even though my heart is breaking.

Before the accident one of my biggest fears was that something was going to happen to me. Cancer, accident, weird illnesses…you name it I worried about it. The thought of leaving my family and having everything change for them was very upsetting. Tom and I have a will that outlines exactly what we want to happen just for this reason. My wishes of how much time Anna would be able to spend with Tom and the kids, my parents and other extended family is all outlined. Our community is tight and the thought of her not being a part of that due to me being gone was hard to think about.

I wanted to live till 100 and experience all there was to experience with my kids, grandkids and life here on earth.

This all changed the day my girls went to be with Jesus. There is no need for a will or for any fear of not being here on earth anymore. I now have one foot in Heaven. Each day that goes by is one day closer to the day I get to join them. With this said, I also have a tremendous knowing that I have a lot to do here to honor my girls, to honor God and to take care of Emily and Ben before it’s my time. I know there is a plan and I am in motion to live that out, heartache and all.

How am I doing this? Where do I get my strength from? The answer is really simple, God. I have put ALL of my trust in him. How could I not, he is taking care of my girls, Tom and I. I see this in everything that has been laid out in front of me since the accident. Community coming together and loving each other, people taking care of us in ways I didn’t even know we needed, lives being changed for the better, people coming to Him for comfort and the peace that surrounds us even in the darkest of times.

I feel this amazing sense of peace that my girls are with me and I feel, see, smell and hear signs of this all the time. Little things, that if I didn’t have one foot in Heaven I probably wouldn’t even think twice:

An overwhelming smell of Anna’s favorite soap. Not all the time, but when I need it most.
A hummingbird outside my window the first day back in the house – that’s the first time I’ve seen a hummingbird around our house thanks to the cat population!
More birds – geese honking as they fly overhead while I’m lighting the candles at dusk.
An overwhelming sense to buy a book that once read at home says all the right things at exactly the right moment, not to mention that after taking off the bargain sticker it’s revealed the author’s name is Anna.
Wind blowing, whispers of I Love You Mama in my ears.
Abigail whispering, as if she is standing next to me, take care of my dad Susan.
Double rainbows, single rainbows and lots and lots of sunny days during rainy season in Oregon. Sun is out right now actually.
Finding Anna’s glasses in a place that allowed me, once finding them, to move an inch further in this process of grieve. It was also a sign that it is alright to take pictures again even if my girls are not the subject of those shots. I found her glasses in my camera bag.

They are here and when I don’t feel them I know they are probably comforting one of the many other people who need to feel them.

I know longer look up when I refer to Heaven…I look around me.

So, if you ever see me give the I Love You sign and there is no one around, know that I’m giving it to my girls because at that moment they are giving it to me too!

Family Beach Trip 2011 (one of many)

Sitting on Santa’s Lap

I have a lot of things to write about but unfortunately have had no time to sit down and write today. Tomorrow is a new day.

We just got back from a little visit with Tiva and his owners. At first he wouldn’t come out of the pasture, probably because he thought he was going to be worked by little Miss Anna. A bag of carrots finally did the trick and I was able to give him a squeeze. Oh how I love that horse. My heart is full after our visit.

For the past 3 years we have had a Dieter-Robinson tradition; we would go to Portland, eat lunch at Chipotle, do a little Christmas shopping and then go and sit on Santa’s lap as a family for the yearly photo. There was always much laughter and running around as we’d try to hide secret santa purchases from each other at the same time trying to drive home the giving lesson rather than getting. I loved watching how my small town girls reacted to the big city mall. Abigail and Anna, if allowed, would have ridden the escalators from floor to floor the entire time. It was such a fun adventure full of wonderful memories.

Unfortunately we will not be sitting on Santa’s lap this year but we are really looking forward to spending a week with Emily and Ben. We miss them so much.

Mac and Cheese

Trying to catch my breath today.

Looking forward to church this morning and an afternoon at the theater. Last Annie show to another sold out crowd. We have been so blessed by this group of people who have honored our girls, have given us joy, let us cry on their shoulder and have shown us so much love. Lifelong friends have been made and we look forward to sharing many more memories with everyone. I still think we should take it on the road.

Found this video not too long ago and it brings a smile to my face every time I watch it. Mac and cheese, dancing, poor table manners and Sampson…what more can a girl ask for.

Missing my girls and my Sampson…my heart is heavy!

Sampson

Our pain right now is more than anyone should have to bare. I am finding that keeping my eyes on God continuously eases that pain, mends my broken heart and gives me hope. Today is going to be another hard day for Tom and I. I write this post with great sadness but continue to stay focused on God’s grace and truth.

Thirteen years ago I paid half price for a cantankerous puppy with a overbite. This dog, my Sampson, has been by my side ever since.

He was my first go around with taking care of something other than myself.

He has been there and has kept me company during many holidays and special occasions when I missed my family terribly.

He and I have been through the best and worst of times together.

He allowed me to train him as he trained me.

He has been my constant companion with travels across the country, hikes deep into the Oregon wilderness and lots and lots of swim time in any body of water he could find. We even had a little adventure being swept away in the Nisqually River, where I had to use everything I knew about swift water rescue to retrieve him.

He has adjusted to many relocations and has always marked his territory in the most loving of ways, by resuming his position on the bottom left corner of my bed.

He has eaten many things that were not labeled “dog food” including countless pairs of underwear, which he then graciously would give back after they made their way through his digestive system.

He was the one that put his head on my pregnant belly, gained an extra 15 lbs of sympathy weight and sat protecting my new arrival through blackout storms and sleepless nights.

He allowed Anna to squeeze his face, pull on his ears and tail, crawl over him, dress him up, love on him and pull his leash in any direction she pleased. He would follow graciously and would entertain her by rolling over on his back and stretching while she laughed out loud at his antics.

He has caught, chased and swam after thousands of tennis balls. THOUSANDS!

He has nudged me in all the right directions while I made attempts to find Mr. Right and then finally nudged me right into Tom, his all time favorite.

He helped to blend our family by being the perfect family dog and allowing everyone to throw him a ball, give him a treat or to snuggle up when needed.

He has been gentle and loving in all the right ways.

He has given me and my family unconditional love and has been my constant companion.

He has been the best dog and I’m so glad that I got to be his person. I am sure going to miss him. Today, at ten, he is going to run, with no aches or pains, towards Anna and Abigail. They, with arms opened wide, will be so excited to see their big dog. The thought of their reunion brings joy to my broken heart. Just as he has taken care of me he will now take care of my girls.

I sure hope there are lots of tennis balls in Heaven!

Today

Tom and I are heading to the court house today for Mario’s sentencing. He is pleating guilty to his charges, he is admitting that the choices he made that night were the wrong ones.

Before the sentencing I have the right to express to the judge the impact the case has had on me. I plan on describing what happened for me on the night of October 20th. I plan on looking at Mario and telling him that I am taking his admission of guilt as an apology and that I forgive him. I am doing this because this is the lesson we always taught the girls, you forgive others as Jesus forgives you. I have no control over the consequences that Mario will have because of his choices that night but I can forgive him.

This morning a friend texted me this and it has really spoken to me all day. Thank you!

“Yet The Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For The Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all those who wait for him.” ~Isaiah 30:18

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