These past couple of weeks I’ve used two words a lot that I used to tell the girls I didn’t want to hear in the summer time.

I’m bored.

If I heard them say it I always had a quick comeback, “bored, great…let me find you something to do.” That was always followed by an eye roll.

I have plenty to do, plenty to keep me busy – I probably should start working on some house projects before the little one comes ~ but I’m bored.

My boredom comes from the fact that all of those things are not what I want to be doing, what I want to be doing is playing with my girls, taking them to the park, hosting playdates and listening to them laugh with their friends, having lemonade stands and homemade popsicles, going to see matinees to get out of the heat or movies on the lawn at McMenamins with friends, going to every fountain in Portland so we can rate which one we like best and going on early morning trips to the zoo before everyone else arrives;  the list goes on and on.

I shared this with someone the other day and they, trying to make me feel better which is appreciated, said, “don’t worry you will have plenty of that soon with your new addition.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about what this person said because I don’t think that I can express in words why that will not cure my boredom. Even with a new life in our house the presence of Anna and Abigail will always be missed ~ nothing or no one will ever fill that void.  I know the person was only trying to comfort me and I do really appreciate that ~ it just got me thinking.

I worry at times that sitting at the park with our little one will be hard, maybe too hard at times. I often wonder how I will parent Anna and Abigail’s little brother or sister with my broken heart.

popiclesfriendscupcakesAbs fountainfriends abs





Small As a Ball

I looked everywhere for this photo yesterday. I knew I had it somewhere ~ old computer, new computer, phone…I didn’t find it until last night when I opened the last file on my old computer and there it was.

Small as a ball!

Anna would be done with her bath and would yell at the top of her lungs, “Tom, can you carry me upstairs small as a ball?” He would come running with a towel, scoop her up and carry her with one hand up the steps wrapped, “small as a ball,” in a towel. She would giggle the entire way up the stairs and we would too.

Anna loved her Tom with all her heart. She also loved her dad with all her heart. The two brought so much to her life and I am very blessed to say she had the perfect combination of an amazing father and amazing Tom.

Yesterday I thought a lot about her dad and how he was always there for her. I thought about how his heart was probably aching just like ours does.

My little girl is blessed to have lots and lots of people who love her and who will always carry her with them ~ small as a ball.

small as a ball


So much going on these past two weeks and I’m finding it hard to come and share it all in this space. I want to, more than anything, but time gets away from me and I find another day has gone by. In the past month I have found that I long for this space and the connection it gives me with my girls. I think it is the quiet time in reflection that I long for the most. Setting everything aside and allowing myself to just feel.

I’ve said before that writing was never something I loved to do but over the past 18 months it has become “something” for me. I’ve been trying to find the words for what that “something” is and haven’t found them yet ~ I know it will come. Sometimes I wish all the busyness would go away and I could just sit and write, reflect and share stories about Anna and Abigail all day every day. I feel God nudging me in that direction and I can see how He carves time out in my day for this to happen, now it’s just up to me to fight the urges to do everything but what He wants. We are working it out <3.

For Tom’s birthday all he wanted was to go see one of his favorite bands, The Drive-By Truckers. They were coming to town and he mentioned 2 times before his birthday that he would really love to go see them. Tom never asks for much, actually he really never asks for anything so the fact that he was making this request made me happy. I promptly purchased two tickets and was excited to grant him his birthday wish.

Last night was the concert and to be honest after a very filled weekend of speaking at a DonateLife Northwest event and being away from home at the Forward Edge Gathering we were really tired. Both thinking that spending a late night downtown was not in our best interest but we decided that we were going to get coffee and muscle through it. The concert was great and we both stayed awake for the whole thing. I smile as I write this because the last concert we went to downtown we both fell asleep while listening…we are not late night people.

Before the show we struck up a conversation with two woman sitting in front of us.

“Where are you all from?” the woman on the right asked.

“Forest Grove, we usually aren’t out this late and that is why we are drinking coffee.” Tom replied.

Everyone in the place had a cup of beer in hand…we had coffee.

“Do you all have any children?” she asked I’m sure trying to make sense of why we were drinking coffee instead of beer.

“Yes, 4.” I said.

“4!!! No wonder you all are so tired.”

Tom held my hand tighter and I think we both knew what was about to happen.

We then explained that we are blended and that the younger two lived with us and the older two lived with their mom.  We talked a little about each one starting with our oldest and her college plans and then ended with our 8 yr old and what she has been up to these days. I’m sure we gave them a little more info than they wanted but they seemed interested and enjoyed hearing our stories. I know that Tom and I enjoyed sharing them.

They never asked if our daughters were in Heaven so we pretended they weren’t. As I shared about Abigail being 13 the woman on the left said something to the effect that teenagers are hard. I looked at Tom and he winked at me and then I said, “our Abigail is actually delightful at the age of 13.”

Shortly after our conversation about our family the lights dimmed and the music started. I sat there for a bit, listening to the music, feeling Tom’s joy for being at the concert and wondering if we did the right thing by pretending – wondering if it would hurt our hearts later that night when we went home and the girls weren’t there.

I will be honest and say that part of our pretending was not wanting to ruin their evening by the hard facts of our life. I’ve seen the look of anguish all to often when someone, who does not know our life circumstances, asks about my children. Pretending felt like the right thing to do at the time and I can say that it was nice to talk about them in the present tense and to do so holding on tight to my husband’s hand.

We pretended last night that our daughters were tucked into their beds being watched by a sitter that they loved while their parents were out for the evening.

We pretended that our lives were how we wished they would be ~ minus the concert and the sitter.

drive by truckers


My Siblings

In honor of National Siblings Day (had no idea that this day existed) I have decided to share this beautiful photo. I was making my confirmation and my mom insisted on taking a photo of the three of us all decked out in our Sunday best. The “wreath” on my head was my moms way of being different – every other little girl had a veil, I had a wreath. Needless to say baby’s breath was big back then and I had a lot of it tangled in my hair that day.

Throughout my life these two have been a rock for me. I love them both very much and I feel very blessed to call them my siblings.

Happy Siblings Day Bill and Jeff ~ sorry for the public humiliation.


This photo makes me happy and laugh out loud.