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Heartbeat

I love putting Anna to bed at night, the questions, the stories and the screaming “I love you to the moon and back” as I walk down the stairs after a hundred kisses to both my girls.

Tom would read and talk with Abigail, I would do the same with Anna, we would swap and then swap again. Both girls knowing the love of both of us but also feeling that special bond they each had with just one of us.

I’ve been going through some old pins I’ve made to Pinterest and found this.

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It is so perfect because Anna and I would lay on her bed at night face to face, snuggled, as close as we could be and used to talk about how she once heard my heartbeat from the inside. I love the face she made when she wouldn’t understand something at first, then processing it, and finally asking questions. I told her it was simple, she was the only one in our family that ever lived inside me. She laughed and hugged me tight. It was our special bond and we were both proud of it.

I think I’ll find some wood, stencils and some paint and start making one of these to put in her room.

Yesterday evening, when Tom and I came home from dinner there was a little package on our door step. Inside was a beautiful wrap that I absolutely love. The note was beautiful and anonymous with reference to this space of mine.

Thank you anonymous friend for your gift. I am currently wrapped in warmth and love because of you and yes it does remind me of sushi.

Sushi and Cheesecake

I woke up this morning thinking about sushi. We are currently stuck in the house due to snow with no chance of a sushi run happening anytime soon.

Why sushi I laid there wondering?

Then this photo popped into my head.

I wasn’t thinking about eating sushi, I was thinking about Anna dressed up as sushi. Anna would tell me what she wanted to be for Halloween each year and a couple of years ago she said she wanted to be sushi. This was not an odd request from my girl. Her and her Mama frequented Sushi Town on a regular basis. In fact, Sushi town was the first restaurant that Anna ever went to. She was 2 weeks old and sound asleep in her car seat while her Mama and friends enjoyed a couple of rolls and some miso soup.

From the car seat to the high chair on wheels to sitting on her own stool, Anna and I would chat about life and what plate we were going to pluck from the conveyer belt next. We would sit down, look at each other and one of us would say, ” this was the best idea ever.” This became a ritual for the Dieter Girls, one that I miss terribly. Avocado rolls, shrimp tempura and edamame are her favorites. When I go now I always make sure I get one of each in her honor.

Unfortunately Abigail wasn’t much of a sushi eater. If I was really craving it I could usually get her to go by bribing her with a piece of chocolate cheesecake for dessert. Chances are she probably loved the sushi but had me figured out, if she made a fuss, and I was really in the mood for raw fish, she would get cheesecake. I smile at the thought of her manipulation, both of us getting exactly what we wanted. Time together with the food of our choice.

Today I’m in the mood for sushi and cheesecake, and a dinner out with my girls.

Snow Day

The excitement would have started yesterday at both the girl’s schools as they sat and watched the snow fall from the sky. Abigail planning her evening fun; sledding at Birch St hill, hanging with friends around the neighborhood, home for hot cocoa and a movie snuggled on the couch. She probably would have also lobbied for a sleepover the minute school was canceled for today- Grace, Paige or Clara? Or would ask for all three if she felt lucky.

Anna would have sat in her classroom amazed by the snow falling. When the announcement was made that they were going home early I’m sure she would have had a little panic, worried her Mama wouldn’t know to pick her up at a different time. I would be there earlier than the rest because I know she would be worried. We would drive home the back way to avoid 47, smiling ear to ear at the giant flakes falling down and making plans for an evening of fun in the snow. Anna too would lobby for a sleepover, especially if Abigail was having one, Makenna would be her pick.

Snow clothes would be dug out of a basement closet, dusted off and layered so as not to get cold and make the fun end early. White snow pants for Abigail that make her look like a seasoned snowboarder along with a fun ski hat borrowed from my collection. Anna with her black pants, that are just a little too big, and heavy duty socks to make up for rain boots that aren’t for snow but rather warm rain. She would dig for her owl hat, to keep her head and ears warm, and because it was made by her Mama.

Abigail would stay out as long as allowed eating snow, having snowball fights and loving the freedom. Anna would stay out until she felt cold and then would be back in, drinking hot tea or warm milk but definitely not hot chocolate. She’s the only kid I know that doesn’t like it.

Anna with baby Mary, after bundling Mary up in her red snow outfit, would want to play cafe and help me bake cookies and make homemade pizza, preparing for the evening festivities with friends. We would then dig out sleeping bags and extra blankets for the overnight freeze. Our family room, the preferred sleepover location, is a cold place to sleep especially on a snowy winter night; extra blankets would definitely be needed.

Abigail would arrive home, banging on the door asking for a towel to dry off a bit before she came in. She would be soaked, that’s what happens when your face down eating snow for hours. Smiles all around from everyone.

Tom would make it home and would comment on his commute and the amount the condition of the roads. He’s from Northern England and not used to driving in the snow. Both girls would share the details of their day and share their excitement for the day to come. Tom would announce he too was going to have a snow day.

We would be happy we were all under one roof and that we didn’t have to go anywhere the next day. A free day was given by Mother Nature to just be together in the house snuggled up with a warm fire and warm drinks or playing outside in the snow, making snow angels, having snowball fights and just running the streets of Old Town bundled up.

Snow days are the best with my girls!

These photos were taken last year during a trip to the mountain. We haven’t had a snow day like today in awhile so we went to the snow instead.

While Looking for Snow Photos

While looking for snow photos I found this video. I’ll post snow photos tomorrow.

I can listen to that giggle all day long.

Lesson

Yesterday I called my mom like I do everyday. Sometimes it’s once, sometimes it’s twice and sometimes it multiple times. Sometimes I have something to tell her, sometimes I just want to say hello, sometimes I just want to check in and see what she’s up to; no matter what the reason I like to touch base with her. Yesterday I called and she was volunteering for Hospice, like she has done for as long as I can remember.

I have always said that my mom buys packages of sympathy cards like some people buy thank you cards. Ever since I was living under her roof I remember my mom always taking care of someone much older than herself and when those friends came to the end of their life on earth, she would then find someone else to take care of. While each friend left a lasting impression on her Jewell was my all time favorite. She treated me like a grand-daughter and prayed for good grades, safe travels back and forth from college and once even told me she was praying I would find a good boyfriend! After years of bad ones Jewell’s prayer was finally answered when I met Tom; I’m sure she would approve and love his accent.

My mom always connected with each of these friends and had such a healthy view of their passing; really knowing how to take care of them in their final days. I call these individuals her friends because I’m sure each and every one of them would call my mom their friend.

Over the years I witnessed my mom take care of 4 people who truly meant the world to me; my biological grandparents. I was very lucky, my grandparents all got to see me turn 30, they were all married for over 60 years and they all loved their grandchildren and great-grandchildren very much; actually one may say we were a bit spoiled.

As my grandparents health started to fail, first my Grandma Dieter, then Grandpa Dieter (both before Anna was born), then Grandpa Philbin and finally my Grandma Philbin, we (my brothers and I) watched as my parents did what they could to make sure they were taken care of in their own homes. We never went to a nursing home to visit them, only to their houses which, if I close my eyes and take a deep breath I can not only see but smell all of its goodness, it is that ingrained into my being.

My mom, even though at times totally overwhelmed with the duties as caregiver, made sure each of my Grandparents had what they needed in their last days on earth; lots of love. Selflessly my parents put their own needs aside for this season and demonstrated to us some very valuable lessons. Lessons you don’t read about in books but rather have to be witnessed.

So, when I called my mom yesterday and she was volunteering for Hospice I couldn’t help but think that the peace I have of my girls transition from this earth to eternity was grounded not only in my love for God but also in the foundation my mom laid so many years ago. She taught us to appreciate death in a way that celebrated life.

My mom can often be found at her parents “condominium” at Greenhaven Cemetary, talking to them and looking at their pictures which are beautifully displayed where their bodies were laid to rest, just like I, her daughter, can be found often at a tree outside my house, talking to my girls.

Parents are supposed to go to Heaven before their children and in my life this is not the reality. I know that growing up as my mother’s daughter and witnessing her strength when it comes to death has given me strength. I have learned a lot from my mom, all very important lessons, but as I now reflect, this has been one of the most valuable.

I know your reading this mom and just as you are proud of me I am proud of you! Thank you for teaching me that death doesn’t have to be the end of our love. You have taught me so much through the years and I know that I have not told you enough how much you mean to me. Thank you for loving my kids with all your heart just like Grandma loved us. Our love drenched life is definitely hereditary. I Love You!

A Love Story

Yesterday I had a conversation with some folks and in that conversation I brought up Little Miss Anna; I could see in their faces complete heartache and discomfort. I know a lot of people do not know how to respond to the current state of our lives; I struggled last night because of this, wondering if bringing up my girls really does cause people more pain. It doesn’t cause me pain, I love talking about Anna and Abigail.

This morning I was sharing this with Tom and we had a discussion about our lives, both before and after the girls went to Heaven. We both have the same viewpoint; we do not want our lives viewed as a tragedy but a love story.

People often say that they can’t imagine what we are going through, my response is always the same – “Don’t try”. Our hearts are heavy with not being able to be with Anna and Abigail right now but they are also filled with a tremendous amount of peace, love and joy! We have lived such an amazing life with our girls here and we have no regrets. We are focusing on the love and not the tragedy.

Someone very close to Tom and I helped me through some of my PTSD in relation to the night of October 20th by asking me what exactly happened that night. At first I said my girls died and then she said, “no, what really happened.”

On the night of October 20th, Jesus came and got my girls and HE LOVES THEM SO MUCH. When I close my eyes I can see how beautiful that must have been for them. I can only image the glory that they were witnessing at that exact moment and my heart fills with love and joy thinking about it!

Our life is not a tragedy but a love story and I will always talk about my girls and share that love story with anyone who wants to listen.

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