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Happiness Journal

Last year I talked with a retired teacher, a friend of mine, about an idea I had for the tree and she decided to take it on with her knitting club at Anna’s school. This week she dropped off the finished product.

With the rain, wind and all around icky weather I’ve decided not to put it on the tree just yet but rather wrap myself in it this winter. To be honest I may never put it on the tree…instead I think I’ll put it around myself and look at the tree.

Being wrapped up in this blanket on a cold Fall night makes me very happy.

I love all the details that make it so special…pocket for notes, words of remembrance and lots of buttons sewn on by Anna’s classmates. My heart is full and I feel so blessed.

Hopeful

Last week I was asked if I ever felt hopeless.

I spent a few minutes thinking about that word and what it means.

I’ve been reading a book from Francis Chan called Crazy Love. I started this book in a bible study group a year before the girls went to Heaven and stopped before it was over because, at that time, I put everything else in my life before my time with God. I believed in Him and His truth but I am ashamed to say that I wasn’t the best follower. I knew what I should be doing but the craziness of life seemed to always come first.

I recently picked it back up and truly can’t get enough of it. My perspective on life and Eternity has shifted due to our circumstances and I see so clearly what God wants from me. He wants me to love Him with every ounce of my being, put Him first above all else, stop, slow down and listen, follow Him with all of my heart and Love.

I can honestly say that living with Eternity in mind is what I want always. I want that to be reflected in my life, my actions, how I interact with people (especially Tom) and how I go about my day-to-day.

I struggle writing this because I am ashamed that it took something so tragic in my life to really get me to understand what God wants from me and how to live with Eternity in mind. I understand that he uses our suffering for his glory but I still wish that my circumstances for living Eternally were different.

Along with reading Crazy Love I am also watching some of Francis Chan’s sermons on youtube. This morning this is what I watched and it spoke to me so I thought I would share.

I don’t feel hopeless at all, I am hopeful.

“To live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

Fall Walk

Linus and I just got back from a walk, something that he needs a couple of times a day. Tom is great, he usually walks him in the morning and in the evening. My job is to walk him during the day and if I don’t he is very naughty.

Today is beautiful ~ cold crisp air, sun shining bright and the smell of Fall ~ my favorite time of year.

As I walked I began to see the piles in the street. It’s been this way for about a week, neighbors anticipating the city leaf pick-up program to come and take them away. I just pulled up the flyer ~ their next pick-up day in my neighborhood is November 30.

That’s a long time to see piles of leaves in the street.

We were about 3 blocks from our house and Linus, wanting desperately to visit his friend Briggs, pulled me in the direction of our friends, Kimi and Eric’s house. As I turned the corner tears began to fall down my cheek. They too had raked their leaves recently, but placed around the pile in the street were 4 cones. These cones were in honor of my girls. They were a reminder to those passing to be careful and to not drive through them. They were a symbol of love, heartache and what our dear friends felt they could do to make their friends not hurt so much.

As I continued my walk realized that a lot of people had kept their trash cans out by the street guarding the leaves that were placed and others had raked them into a pile just off the street to be placed the day of pick-up. I also began to notice that some people didn’t have any leaves ~ they weren’t in the street, weren’t waiting to be raked or in a pile on the grass. My thought was they raked, bagged and put them in green waste to avoid the visual all together.

Thank you!

Comic Heroes

My favorite free online photo editing program is PicMonkey. I was introduced to it by my friend Brenda and I haven’t looked back since. It has tons of great fonts and lots of ways you can be creative with your photos.

I was working on something this morning and saw that they had a new theme available…Comic Heroes.

I smiled because I knew I was about to sit for a couple of hours playing with this new theme. The best part…I had the perfect photos to play with.

For Anna’s 5th Birthday I threw her a Lady Bug Girl birthday party. The Lady Bug Girl books were some of her favorites and she really loved dressing up. I made masks, caps, antennas and a wand for all the kids so they could be a lady bug, bee, dragon fly or a butterfly. We had the party at The Flight School Gymnastic Center were we set up an obstacle course for all the kids to “practice” their super bug skills.

It was a lot of fun and the kids seemed to really enjoy dressing up and playing on all the fun equipment.

The best part ~ Anna loved it!

Happiness Journal

Today I went to Anna’s school with a bag full of Love Rocks for her friends. When I walked into both of the second grade classes they swarmed me with hugs and love – this made me extremely happy. They were so excited to tell me that Anna made it snow for her birthday so that they would have a snow day.

Yesterday morning we had a dusting of snow with a prediction of progressing colder temperatures throughout the day. In Oregon that means ~ SNOW DAY.

The kids were happy to share the fun they had (Love Rocks and milkshakes) on Anna’s 8th birthday and this made my heart very happy.

Our Love is Eternal

Words feel too small for the amount of love and admiration I have for Miss Anna as I celebrate her 8th birthday today. She has taught me so much about how to love and be loved, how to live with intention and how to find joy even when my heart is breaking.

Since she’s gone to Heaven, God has blessed my heart with a love for her that is eternal ~ a love that goes beyond anything I thought I could ever feel. This love is what keeps me going ~ knowing that one day I will hold her in my arms again in His presence and will no longer feel the pain of our separation. Until that day I will continue to live this life with as much love and joy as I can and will continue to celebrate Anna’s beautiful life!

When Anna was born I decided that instead of “scrapbooking” her life, which I knew would end up a box of photos and empty pages of fancy paper, I would put together a digital picture journal for each month of her life. My plan was to create one a year, using my favorite photos from each month, and journaling about our adventures and life together. On her 18th birthday I would then give these journals to her to have as a way for her to look back on her childhood. I’m proud to say that I did just that for 7 years and have pages of stories, memories and photos of our love drenched life together.

November 2006 ~ Little Miss Anna I am so glad you are finally here. You are absolutely perfect and I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love you. We are going to have the best life together ~ I promise. I love you Miss Anna and I am so happy I get to be your mom.

February 2007 ~ It’s been only three months and I feel like I’ve known you forever. This is my last month of maternity leave and I plan on appreciating every second I have with you. It seems you always have a smile on your face which makes me know you are happy. I am so amazed by the joy you have brought to my life. You truly are a blessing from God and I thank him every day for allowing me to be your mom! I love you to the moon and back.

January 2008 ~ Baby Stella came into our life at Christmas ~ she was a gift from Aunt Lu. I am absolutely amazed at how you love and take care of her. She’s the first thing you want when you wake up and every night you put her to bed in her crib and kiss her “night-night”. You bath her, change her, feed her, burp her, dance with her and most of all love her with all your heart. I have a feeling she will be with us for a very long time. Someday, Anna, you are going to make the best mama. I love you to the moon and back!!!

September 2008 ~ Today was the first day you asked, “Why?” You asked it about 50 times. I don’t think you fully understand the meaning of it but you sure like saying it ~ a lot. I’m so excited that every day you have more and more words. For someone that isn’t even 2 yet you sure know how to use your words and you’re getting really good at expressing your needs. For instance, “Mama, sit down” is one of your favorites or “Mama, go get Sampson.” You bring me such joy Anna! Everyone is always commenting on how beautiful you are ~ the best part is your beauty is not only on the outside but more importantly on the inside. I love being your mom. I love you to the moon and back!

October 2010 ~ We officially moved out of our house today and we are now landlords. I couldn’t help but be a little sad as we packed up our last box and put it in the car. This was our house and when I moved in I was 4 months pregnant with you. We figured out life together in this home and shared so many treasured memories. One of my most cherished memories is sitting in the rocking chair each night reading books and singing songs together before you went to sleep. Cuddling with you is the best. The past 4 years have been our years together ~ just the 2 of us and I wouldn’t change that for anything. I love you to the moon and back Miss Anna!!!

June 2011 ~ This week is our wedding! I feel so blessed to have Tom and the kids in our life and I am so excited that we are officially going to be a family. You adore Tom and love having siblings. We have so much fun together ~ along with some blended family challenges but we will work hard at getting through all that. My prayer Anna is that you always know and feel in your heart the love that I have for you no matter what comes our way and no matter how many people are in our family. I love you to the moon and back ~ always and forever and ever!!!

May 2012 ~ My heart is so happy that you love your Tom (as you very well know I love him too). You dance with him, you climb all over him, you tease him, he teases you, you kick him out of bed in the morning so you can snuggle with your mama and you love him ~ you really love him. Sometimes you get territorial about our time and you are very loyal to your dad ~ always making sure people know that Tom is your Tom and your Dad is your Dad. Growing up in a blended family I’m sure is not always easy but our family, no matter how long it takes to explain it, is ours and has so much love!!! My prayer daily is that when you look back on your childhood you smile and always know that you were loved. I love you to the moon and back Miss Anna and so does your Tom.

September 2013 ~ Today I snuck away from work to see you ride the bus for the first time. You and McKenna rode together and it was so obvious to me that you were a little nervous. I’ve been taking you to school everyday but on Wednesdays you will be riding the bus from Tami’s house because I have to go to work early. I love that before you got on you kissed me goodbye and told me that you loved me. I love that you are brave even when you are trying something new and are a little nervous. I am so proud of you Anna and the young girl you have become. I love you to the moon and back and again and again and again.

November 13, 2014 ~ Today (and everyday) I celebrate you ~ your love, your light and the joy that you have brought into my life these past eight years. I am a mom because of you and there are no words to express how grateful I am to God for blessing me with that role. There is not a second that goes by that I don’t think of you and the love and joy that you have given to so many. Thank you for cuddling, for always telling me how much you loved me, for always wanting to hold my hand and for being such an amazing daughter. I am so proud of you Anna and even though I can’t hold you today I want you to know that these past eight years have been my best years and you are the reason for that. I love you Anna to Heaven and back and again and again and again and again. Happy Birthday my sweet girl!

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