Puddle Jumping

Woke up this morning to the sound of rain outside our window.

My first thought, I wonder how long Linus will take going potty.

Second thought, I probably will need to dig out the umbrella.

Third thought, so happy for the rain and the excuse to stay inside.

Fourth thought, rain will bring rainbows.

abigail art
Artwork by Abigail Robinson

We are approaching 6 months since Anna and Abigail went to Heaven.  People keep telling me that it gets easier. My response is that I don’t want this life to get easier without my girls.

Tom has said that grief is like wearing a wet suit. You feel the tight neoprene fabric against your skin all the time. Sometimes you get used to it, especially if you are using the wet suit for what it is intended to be used for. Other times, it is just uncomfortable and more often than not it’s just plain painful to be sporting this tight uniform that causes chafing in places you didn’t even know would hurt so bad.

When I’m enthralled in honoring God or honoring the girls I don’t notice my new uniform as much.

When I’m trying to get through my day-to-day the wet suit is very uncomfortable and at times unbearable.

When asked how I’m doing I will tell you that we are managing. When you see me out around town know that it is painful to be out of my safe spaces. I will seem “okay” but know I will never be okay again. When you come to my house and see the sign on the door know that I like having visitors, but at that moment, I want to be alone because I won’t have to fake being “okay”.

When you ask if I want to go for a walk know that I do, but I probably won’t. Know that I can’t do small talk and I can’t go deep either, both are hard. Small talk makes me realize how different I am in my relationships and deep conversation about my life will more often than not trigger a flashback to the night of October 20th.  Know that I love talking about my girls and our lives together. This space gives me the ability to do just that and be alone. When you say a prayer for us know that we feel it. We are so grateful for every ounce of love and support that has been given to us.

I spend time in the Word every morning, I pray and I feel the prayers of others, I keep my mind open to supernatural visits and I honor both God and my girls in my actions, words and thoughts. These things keep my wet suit from chafing most of the time. Lately though, my heart hurts all the time.

I miss my girls, I miss them talking about the plans they had for their future. Abigail wanted to go to college to become an artist; or audition for American Idol and become a star. Anna wanted to open her own daycare just like Tami. We had just started talking about a trip the three of us were going to take to Disneyland next Halloween. We were so excited and were going to save money all year so we could spend a long weekend riding roller coasters, visiting Tinkerbell and exploring the Magic Kingdom.

I want to take them to Disneyland. I want Anna to nurture children. I want Abigail to become a star. I want to take off my wet suit and wake up.

I just want to wake up and jump in the puddles with my girls.

anna rain

 

 

 

Family

I remember sitting around my grandmother’s antique table eating dinner with Miss Anna. It was just the two of us, our little family. We would say a prayer, talk about the day’s adventures and discuss what our plans were for the evening. Anna would suggest putting on “a show,” which was never really an actual show but rather lots of funny antics in preparation for “a show”. I have video that I’m sure I’ll share at a later date.

I remember sitting at the table thinking about how simple and wonderful my life was but also thinking that I knew there was something missing: A husband, siblings, grandparents that lived close are all something I longed for in Anna and my life together. That longing was brought to peace when I finally gave it over to God and asked for peace with my circumstance of being a single mom. God gave me that peace, allowing me to cherish the treasured moments that Anna and I had together, allowing me to focus on what we did have and he started to place in my heart that the perfect mate for me was not someone who I would seek but rather someone He was preparing.

Tom, when entering my life, was just that. A gift from God. He was everything I wanted in a mate and he even had an English accent. Tom did not come alone, he came with three siblings for my little Anna to love, jump on, pester and adore and three children for this Mama to love, nurture and treat as her very own.

Our courtship was short because we knew that we had finally found “the one”. We had both gone through a lot in our years leading up to finding each other and through those experiences we knew that God had always been preparing our hearts for each other. It was so obvious to us and still is.

I was very privileged to be able to spend the day-to-day with Abigail and Anna. Our two oldest, Emily and Ben, were with us on weekends, long holidays and one night a week for two years until they moved South. We now see them less frequently, which of course is hard, but it doesn’t change how I feel about them. They are my children. We are not “step” or “half” in our family we are brother, sisters, mom and dad. From the beginning we decided that our family would not be defined by being “nontraditional” but rather by being a family that loves each other dearly.

Anna and Abigail adored their siblings and as soon as they would walk in the door you would hear screams from upstairs, “EMILY and BEN are here!” Emily would promptly go hang out in Anna’s room rocking out to Taylor Swift while Abigail would want to take Ben across the street to play ball. As they all got older, their interest changed. Sometimes it was Abigail and Emily talking for hours before bedtime and Anna climbing Ben like a jungle gym. No matter what the combination they were a true siblings in every sense of the word.

This afternoon Emily will arrive and there will be no screams from upstairs to celebrate her arrival. Instead there will be giant hug from her Susan waiting, a lick (and probably a little nibble) from her new puppy and a Taylor Swift CD in Anna’s radio waiting to be played.

Our kids have experienced something that no child should have to, the loss of their siblings. I pray that their hearts know the love of God and that they feel the peace that comes from trusting him.

There is a certain calm that comes when Emily and Ben arrive to the house. It’s as though the girls are whispering in the wind, “Finally, Emily and Ben are home.”

During our first Thanksgiving dinner together I remember sitting around my grandmother’s antique table, all six of us. I remember thinking how crazy and chaotic our lives had become, there were so many moving parts. I also remember thinking how blessed we were to have found one another. We prayed, we talked about what we were thankful for and we discussed that evenings activities. The kids were going to put on “a show.” They were going to retell the Thanksgiving story with costumes, props and hopefully lighting effects. It was perfect and I remember thinking that what we had found was what Anna and I were missing: Tom, Emily, Ben and Abigail.

Anna hugging

ben
Anna’s favorite way to travel…on Benny’s back!

 

 

 

 

 

Just Being

It was a sunny day much like today. We decided to go to a park, lay out a blanket and just be for a couple of hours. Of course I had my camera.

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Missing my family!

Sun

We have been very busy this week figuring out our new routine with Linus. He is a very good puppy but I am tired.

Linusblog

Along with getting acquainted with our new little guy we also have been busy with Guys and Dolls rehearsal every night, I’ve been doing a lot of sewing, we’ve been planning our second playground meeting for this afternoon and this morning we had a meeting with Donate Northwest for an upcoming community event we will be hosting. Needless to say we are really busy right now.

I’m not complaining but I am going to join Linus in the sun for a nap.

anna glasses
Anna 7 months old and 6 yrs old. Always ready for some time in the sun!
anna and mommy
Anna and Mama before the Color Run Sept. 2013

Linus the Healer

grace mckenna linus

No words today just a photo of two girls, Anna and Abigail’s best buds, holding Linus. Can’t help but look at these three and think about how much my girls would love this fluff ball. Linus is definitely here for a reason and I’m sure it’s to heal a lot of broken hearts.

Love seeing all of these smile!

bff

The Love Story Continues…

On Dec. 22 my first husband and Tom’s best friend went to Heaven to be with our girls. Sampson was such a family dog and we adored him, even in his incontinent years. After the girls went to Heaven he was the reason we decided to come back to the house, we needed to check on him and make sure he was doing ok. We had friends watching out for him but he too had suffered a great loss and we wanted to love on him and let him know we weren’t going anywhere, I’m sure he was feeling rather lonely without all of us being around. Being back in the house made us realize how much we loved being in our space, the space we shared with our family.  Being back in the house also allowed us to hug this guy everyday. He was also grieving the loss of his girls.

sampson
Photo taken by: Nikki Raichart

The day after Sampson went to be with the girls, to chase balls and swim in chocolate rivers, our theater family decided to do a fundraiser to help us get another dog once we were ready. We are so grateful for those who contributed to this fund and opened up the door for us to someday get another dog.  We feel so blessed by so many.

DSC_0597
Photo taken by: Jenn McFarling

During the run of Annie we had fallen in love with Parker, the dog that played Sandy. He was so healing for us during rehearsals at the theater. Being a therapy dog he knew that we needed some extra love and he, along with his little brother Reser, provided just that through the first couple of months of our new journey. After spending so much time with these two we decided that we wanted to get a golden retriever which led us to Sunshine Golden Retrievers and to Linus.

When we woke up yesterday both Tom and I commented on how excited we were to go get Linus but we were also sad. Sad for the mama and brothers that he was leaving and sad because our girls weren’t here to share in this experience with us. Driving to pick him up I was so nervous, it was as though I was bringing home a new baby and had never been a mom before. I just want to give this little guy the best life ever and I want to honor my girls in doing so. It breaks my heart that Linus will never know Anna and Abigail. Oh how they would all love each other to pieces.

When we first saw him my heart melted. I knew the girls were smiling and I knew that we were exactly where we were supposed to be. Our love story was going to continue and Linus was going to be part of that story.  He was going to brighten our days, get us out of the house and bring smiles to so many in our community.

Linus 1

He is a big puppy, he has only two brothers so food was always available without a fight. He is very loving and playful, perfect really.

Little Linus has no idea what he has brought to our home, he has already won us over and has already proven to be a healer for our broken hearts. Most mornings I struggle getting my feet to touch the ground. I can get up, but it just takes some time and I often struggle with the reality that this life of mine is actually real, not a dream. This morning there was no struggling, I had a puppy wanting to go outside and I needed to move quickly so there wasn’t an accident. When we came back inside he wanted to play, lick my face and snuggle.  How do you say no to that?

He truly is a gift and we are so thankful he’s in our lives.

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When we got home yesterday after picking Linus up there was a little package on our doorstep along with a note signed with a paw print. This priceless gift will be worn with pride by our little guy in honor of our girls. This gift was so thoughtful and I truly can’t believe that a dog actually picked it out. Thank you to the anonymous pooch and the human that drove him/her to our house for the delivery.

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