While driving to the coast my heart was very heavy. I wasn’t sure how I would feel when we went from highway 26 to 101, the moment when you first can smell and begin to see the sea. The coast, for our family, is a place for adventure and one we didn’t tap into nearly enough. We are approximately 63 miles from the Oregon Coast and probably get there 4-5 times a year- not enough.

The girls loved the coast. Wading in the freezing water, playing in the streams that ran from the top of the beach back to the ocean, flying kites, collecting rocks and bits of shell and their all time favorite – burying Tom in the sand. We have had many good times at the Oregon Coast and I smile thinking about the amount of sand that was transported from the sea,in Anna’s swimsuit, back to the house.

This trip, taken on Thursday with some very dear friends, was the first without the girls and Sampson. As we headed down the coast on Highway 101 towards Manzanita I felt a wave of peace that we were exactly where we needed to be. Eric, Kimi, Tom and I had the most amazing 3 days while at the coast. Good food, great conversation, ice cream, lots of laughter, tears and lots of talk about our girls. Just what Tom and I needed.

Friday morning we all woke up early and walked out onto the porch, which had a fabulous view of the ocean. In all my years in Oregon, 16 to be exact, I had never seen waves at the coast like I saw on Friday. They were absolutely huge and beautiful. If I was a surfer I’m sure I would have been all suited up and paddling on my board ready to face the waves head on. As we sat and watched we commented that it was like watching fireworks. There would be a moment of stillness with just a small rippling and then you would see the start of something bigger, just as the firework shoots up into the sky and shows off its glory, the wave would swell and come crashing down with the most magnificent display of grandeur. Each one bigger and more elaborate than the one before it.

As we stood watching God’s magnificent work unfold in front of us I know my girls were present. They, I’m sure of it, were smiling at what was about to happen. As we looked out we all noticed that emerging from the sea there was the start of a rainbow. Each time the waves crashed and produced white cape the rainbow was visible. I think at first we were all shocked, no one had ever seen a rainbow emerging from the sea before. Tom and I then smiled and knew exactly what was happening.

Our girls were letting us know that they were there. Showing us, yet again, that they were okay. I can imagine that they were trying out their newly acquired rainbow dust. Abigail saying to Anna, “just a little Anna, that’s all we need.” I smile at the thought of them watching us react to their little trick and how proud they were that it actually worked.

The rainbow-in-the-waves was there most of the morning, a constant reminder of my girls presence. When it finally faded I didn’t get sad, they will be back with another sign when the time is right and I will be open to receive it.

A week after I moved to Oregon in 1998 I took a group of kids hiking along the Oregon Coast. We ended up on a cliff just passed Oswald State Park overlooking the most amazing sight I had ever seen. This place is one I call my own, a little secret spot that I will forever cherish. I remember standing on that cliff holding the hand of one of my young adventures. He looked up at me and asked why I was crying. I looked down and said, “because it is so beautiful.”

God’s masterpiece called the Pacific Coast is breathtaking. I am so glad my girls had their rainbow dust handy and added their own touch, especially for us, this weekend.

I haven’t spent much time in our studio in the past couple months. This space, which was created for Anna, Abigail and myself, feels empty without my girls. Today I spent the afternoon working on Abigail’s quilt square for the Donate Life Northwest’s Threads of Life Quilt. It felt good to dust off my sewing machine and play with fabric again but there is an emptiness in this space that I don’t think can ever be filled.

Usually, starting in mid October, I would spend my days off, from the time the girls went to school till they got home, locked away creating that years collection of Christmas presents. I would go through hundreds of my pins on Pinterest and figure out my projects for the season. I was generally very secretive since a lot of my projects were for the kids. They knew they shouldn’t snoop around if they wanted to be surprised on Christmas morning. Making their gifts brought me so much joy and I loved that they were proud to have something made from their Mama.

I also love the fact the my girls would spend hours creating for Tom and I. We would be told, mainly in the evening hours, that downstairs was off-limits to us. If I started down the steps I could hear the girl’s creative minds collaborating and then they would scream, “don’t come down here”. They sometimes emerged from the depths of the studio with fabric, fancy ribbon or other supplies found tucked away in “my supplies” wondering if they could create with said item. I would make a decision (wishing now I would have always said yes) and they would run back down the steps yelling once again that the studio was off-limits. I wouldn’t dare ruin their creative flow and the creations we have now from those moments are some of our most prized possessions.

This studio of ours is a shared space in our house for the girls and I. Fairy houses, paintings, stepping-stones, matching pajamas, drawings, pillows, baby blankets, hats, beaded necklaces, bracelets, stamp art and many cards, notes and love letters are just a few things that have been made in this space by my girls.

Abigail would turn the radio up real loud and spend hours, a lot of times on her own, hot glueing fairy houses together. Taking a shoe box and cutting cardboard to make rooms for her to later decorate and add little details for the fairies that would eventually visit our house. She also loved to create for Baby Athena, her niece. She would find the softest fabric in our collection and would make blankets and stuffed animals. Each item made with so much love.

Anna, on the other hand, liked to create with her Mama. We would pull out the sewing book and she would take her collection of fabric scraps and create. I tried not to give her ideas or the typical “this is how I would do it” comment so that she would walk away knowing she completed the project all on her own. She was always so proud of the finished product and I was always so proud of her. One night, after she worked really hard in the studio, I went up to her room to kiss her one last time before I went to bed to find this. Her finished product being put to use. 

Abigail’s quilt square is completed and I am very happy with how it turned out.  I found fabric in her supplies and a drawing of a tree that we planned on putting on one of her sweatshirts this past Fall. The fabric, which made pajamas, pillows for her bed and other creations, are cut into leaves that are sewn around the tree. There is a heart on the tree that holds a big “A” and a little “a”. Under the tree I put a favorite picture of my girls giving muscles on a hike we did this summer on Orcas Island, their names next to the picture.

The square is simple but says so much. I am proud to be able to contribute to the Threads of Life Quilt and look forward to seeing the finished product, the love of so many families brought together to create a beautiful quilt. I know that Abigail would approve my creation but may be a little upset that Anna is in the picture too. I can hear her saying with a bit of frustration in voice, “why does Anna have to do everything I do.” I smile knowing that she is taking such good care of her sister now and I’m sure taking great pride in that fact. Anna sure does love her big sister and I know Abigail adores little Miss Anna.

I love and adore them both and sure do miss creating with them!

Spent the weekend enjoying this guy! Feel so blessed to have him as my partner in life. We started walking on Friday. It’s been a long time since we’ve gotten any exercise and it feels good to be out moving my body again. Every time we go I can hear the birds chirping overhead. Makes me smile.

The ache in my heart has been intense the past few days. I feel the water getting deeper.

I miss my girls, miss their voices, miss their sweet faces and, believe it or not, I miss the way they used to sass back and forth to one another. If you would have asked me in the pumpkin patch on Saturday October 19th, as my girls were fighting over what pumpkin they were going to stand next to for the annual pumpkin patch shot, I would have said I would never miss the sassiness  For us, as I’m sure for most parents, the kids fighting about absolutely everything was at the bottom of our list when it comes to enjoyable family moments. I would often say that we knew that we blended our families properly by the way they liked to fight back and forth. My girls loved to use the word annoying when describing one another and it drove me nuts. So nuts, that not to long ago I declared that annoying was now a “cuss word” in our house. Eye rolls all around.

At this very moment I would love to yell upstairs and tell the girls to leave each other alone. I would love to be frustrated at the fact they were being so intolerant of one another.  I would love to see Abigail’s eye roll and to hear Anna’s sigh. I would love to hear them both stomp upstairs and turn their music up loud to annoy each other; Anna listening to Taylor Swift and Abigail her favorite radio station. I would love to hear them say each other’s name emphasizing the first syllable for extra jab.  I would love to be frustrated at the fact my girls weren’t getting along rather than have this terrible ache of missing them.

Instead I have this video, taken in secret, using their Mama’s cell phone. I’m not sure how Abigail got Anna to think catching bubbles (aka soap) in her mouth was fun, but she did.  I love this video because it shows how my girls could have fun doing anything. It shows them simply being sisters.

I love this video but I wish had the real thing.