I woke up this morning thinking about this video.  My mom providing a love-drenched life at Nana’s house.

Today is the last day of 2013. I have decided I’m going to stay in 2013 for awhile. I’m not ready to move forward yet. I know I will need to move forward someday, just not today.

Spending the day with Laurie. Looking forward to kicking back on her couch, playing with her little one, talking about my girls and laughing…she always knows how to make me laugh.

Posting pictures today instead of words. My girls adored their cousins. Although we do not live close, and only saw each other a couple of times a year, they sure did have fun when they were together. It only seemed fitting to pass down some of my girls favorite things to their cousins.

Ella was so proud to show me what a perfect fit her new pajamas were and Isabella hardly ever takes off her hat. Both made by Aunt Susan for her girls, both passed down with lots of love.

It makes my heart happy that my nieces are so proud to have these things of my girls. I can’t help but smile at Ella dancing around the room, just like her cousin did, spinning her American Girl Doll with not a care in the world.

Yesterday was an extremely hard day. It seems that being away from our home base is more difficult than either of us imagined.  Being surrounded by family really helps and we definitely feel loved here but we have tremendous security being in our own home, the one we shared with the girls, near the space they went to Heaven.

It seems as we move through our grief, whether it’s private or public, we are finding this blog to be very healing. Tom and I recognize that this life we have here on earth is forever changed and we have made a commitment to each other and to God that we will proceed by listening to Him and doing what he tells us to do. This road right now is hard and some days I don’t feel like participating, yesterday was one of those days. Other moments, like this morning, I see how God is so brilliantly working and I smile in amazement as I see how pieces of my life are fitting together like a puzzle.

This morning I woke up with an aching heart, as I do many mornings. It may have been a dream I don’t remember or just going to bed last night feeling overwhelmed with emotion for my kids, either way I knew I needed to grab my computer and start looking at photos. In no time I ended up in this space reading over past blog posts, looking at pictures and reading comments made from people both near and far. The comments that people leave in this space of ours are so thoughtful and loving. I read them all and appreciate all of the prayers and encouragement. Once again I felt the arms of God wrapping around me and found myself filling the gap of my morning with trust in him.

My brother and I are now sitting on the couch watching a movie. Little ones are napping, teens are shopping, mom and dad are getting ready to visit with friends and Jeff and I are kicking back on the couch.  Much needed quality time with my little brother.

I often would share stories with the girls about my love/hate relationship with my brother.  When we were young, the girls age, we hated each other and annoying was a constant part of our vocabulary. I would tell Abigail that if she ignored Anna pushing her buttons, like I ignored Jeff so many years earlier, she would leave her alone. It didn’t work for my girls and it never worked for me.  I was always hopeful though.

Jeff would hide in my closet for hours waiting for my friends and I to come into my room. I guess he was desperately wanting to hear our deepest darkest secrets, or just be totally annoying. Unfortunately for him, I would figure out he was in there and yell down to my mom that he was bugging us, oftentimes using the same exact words that Abigail would yell down to me. We fought a lot as kids, like most siblings I’m assuming.

I’m not sure what I would do without my brother now, both brothers. I cherish our relationship and the relationship they both had with my girls. The three of us are so completely different in so many ways and through this journey I am realizing that is ok. It was ok that my girls fought and called each other annoying because their foundation for each other was built on love, just like my brothers and I .

I love that I have so many photos and memories of my girls yelling Uncle Jeff or Uncle Bill in my parent’s back yard when we would come for a visit. I love that they both talk about my girls to their kids and keep their memories alive. I love that they both married the most amazing women, that I truly love, and feel blessed to call my sister-in-laws. I love that I have two amazing brothers that, in a heart beat, will be my side and will let me cry on their shoulder.

Jeff is now sound asleep on the couch and I think for good old times sake I will give him a wet willy….just to be annoying!

After reading my post on Christmas my mom promptly sent these photos to me. She took them on the 26th. We figured out that Anna was actually 2 yrs old when we saw Baby Jesus at St. Charles Church in Boardman for the first time. The same baby that Anna took care of for so many years. Blessing!

There was a lot of “Abby Style” celebrating going on yesterday.  Milkshakes were drunk, message filled balloons released, art projects completed, crepes consumed and lots of sharing of sweet memories of our girl Miss Abigail and her little sister. This journey we are on is hard, but we constantly feel God’s love through our family, friends and many others who continue to pray for us. We (Tom, Emily, Ben, Abigail, Anna and I) feel so loved by so many. I know my girls are watching over us, with milkshake mustaches, smiling at all the love.

Dieter Family Vacation 2012

Late last night we got a text from Alaska airlines that Emily and Ben’s flight was canceled for this morning. Cliches like this don’t impact us these days, they will all get worked out in the end one way or another. Emily and Ben will fly in on a later flight, we will meet them at the gate and then we will all travel East. No worries.

It is hard to think about leaving the house and being gone for a week. It’s been my safe place. I just keep telling myself to get through this minute…this second and it will be fine. I also think about how much Abigail and Anna loved visiting family in Ohio. We have had so many adventures flying back and forth. One of my all time favorites was when Abigail got sick on the plane and how we (Anna and I) were so proud that she had perfect aim right into the barf bag graciously provided by the airlines. High fives all around on that trip and every time we talked about. Perfect aim is something to be proud of and I was a proud Mama.

There was also epic trip back from Ohio that landed us in Chicago at a really nice hotel for the night. We were jumping on the beds at 2 am only to have to be back at the airport at 5. The girls loved the detour so much that every time we fly through Chicago they would pray we would get delayed. I must admit, it was a lot of fun and my girls were the best travel companions!

Anna’s first flight back to Ohio was at the age of 2 months. It was a trip I was anxious about before she was even born but was by far the easiest trip we ever took together. She was very cozy strapped to my chest and spent the entire flight nursing and sleeping, nursing and sleeping. I knew on that trip we were going to go on lots of adventures together.

Anna has been my traveling companion for the past 7 years. We have had many adventures together (Ohio, North Carolina, Michigan, Alaska) and I cherish every single one. I will be honest, I hate the thought that my girls are not physically here to go with us. I miss them so much!

Looking forward to hugging my family at the end of today….especially my mom and dad.