Last night was amazing, they nailed it! I’m so proud to be part of the Annie cast and crew. They worked so hard and it all paid off. Before the play Darren, the director, gave a pep talk and then we all came in for a huddle; everyone, all 35 of us, reached our hands in and said, “for Anna and Abby!”

No other words today. Tom and I are spending the morning with computers and phones off. We’ve been so busy this week with the play that we are going to take some much needed time together. If the girls were here we would be cuddled up playing a game or watching our favorite Christmas movie. We would then head up town for all the Christmas festivities going on in the Grove today. In the evening we would get ready for another night at the theater watching Abigail rock it as an orphan. I miss my girls and my old life!

Today is a big day for us, opening night of Annie.

Last year Abigail wanted to tryout for Narnia at Theater in the Grove so Tom took her up to audition and upon their return he declared that he could see himself being in the play too. Thus beginning our journey of becoming a “theater family”. Tom landed the role of Mr. Beaver and Abigail one of the White Witch’s creatures. I helped with make-up with Anna in tow.

The experience was so positive for us that we said we would make it a tradition to be a part of the winter production as a family each year. Abigail, Anna and Tom would try out and I would help out behind the scenes…I’m not much of an actor. Come to find out Anna really had no desire to audition for a play either. She said she would be in it but there was no way she would get up on stage by herself and audition. I understood where she was coming from…we would both help out at some capacity behind the scenes. It was going to be so much fun.

Annie auditions were a huge success for Abigail, landing a role as one of the orphans. She was so excited and we were so excited for her. Unfortunately we came into some unexpected “house issues” and made the decision that Tom would spend the time working on those while Abigail was at rehearsal every night. He didn’t try out as planned even though they were in need of guys for the ensemble. Anna and I would help out where needed but overall this was going to be Abigail’s experience and we were going to support her in every way possible. Like I said, she was excited.

Oct. 20th was her first rehearsal. Tom and the girls stopped up at the theater after rehearsal to check in with me, I was volunteering for Young Frankenstein and I was very happy to see my family. Abigail was smiles from ear to ear. Anna was also having a wonderful day with her Tom and excited that Abigail was done with rehearsal, they were going to play spies.

About week after the girls went to Heaven Tom and I laid in bed one morning and talked about connecting with the director and seeing if there was still space for us to be involved. We knew that being in the play would occupy a big chunk of our time and at that point we felt desperate to fill our day. We had no idea how we were going to make it, our lives were all about our girls and now they were gone.

I sent out an email and Darren, the director and now dear friend, accepted us with open arms. He also told us that he was dedicating the run of the show to our girls; he was just getting to know Abigail and had already seen that she was not only talented but an amazing kid.

Tom would be a part of the ensemble, having 4 different parts and I would assist Darren and help wherever needed. We would have rehearsal Monday-Thursday from 6:30-9:30 and on Sundays from 1-6; we had a plan and it felt right.

For the past month and half the theater has been a safe place for us. We go there every night and spend time with the most amazing people. The orphans remind me so much of my girls and they are all so sweet. The cast and crew are not only talented and hard working, they are now people we consider to be good friends. Parker, the dog that plays Sandy, is not only an actor but a therapy dog. He is definitely good at what he does and his little brother Reser will follow in his paw steps in becoming a comfort to many. He doesn’t know it yet but he’s already a therapy dog.

I feel an extra special connection with one woman in the ensemble. She has truly lead an amazing life. Being a foster mom for newborn infants she has given so much to so many. Truly a role model for me. She is currently waiting for a kidney due to having kidney disease. She is on the other side of organ donation. We pray for her daily as I know she is praying for us too. I am hopeful her call will come. Last night she told me she recently had a dream that she got the call during the run of the show and I had to be her understudy. I should probably start practicing her lines. I pray that it happens soon for her.

We are so proud to be part of this production in honor of our girls. Abigail’s sweater, the same one she wore for auditions, is hanging in the orphanage. Molly, one of the orphans, snuggles up to one Anna’s stuffed animals. My girls are there every night and will continue to be there. I know that if they could they would thank everyone involved for creating this loving space for us. I know, through God’s Grace, the Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow!

I am feeling the prayers and I appreciate every single one of them. I decided last night, after an emotional day, that I’m not ready to make the next step. I’ve decided that going back to work moves me into a space that I’m not ready for. I’m not ready to start new routines without my girls; I’m not ready to move on. So, I’m going to spend a couple of weeks being still and I will intentionally listen. Listen to what God has planned for me and for my family. I know that one day I will wake up and say “today is the day I go to work”, and I will go;today is not that day. Once again I feel the prayers of those near and far and I am so thankful.

I do miss my students. I walked into a school yesterday and one of my kiddos ran over to me and said, “Teacher Susan I have not seen you in such a long time, I miss you.” Fighting back tears I gave him a giant hug. My students are going to be fine and are in really good hands. I do miss them though but I know when it’s time to go back we will pick up right where we left off; playing in the gym, jumping rope, yoga poses and lots of high fives. They will also give me hugs and I will take every one of those hugs and know that I am blessed to have each and every one of them in my life.

While I was at Dilley yesterday I popped my head into Anna’s class. Her friends are so amazing and I love that when I walk in the room they all say with excitement, “It’s Anna’s mom!” Anna’s teacher, Mrs. Wilson, has created such a loving space for her friends. I brought in a teddy bear that is all decked out in one of Anna’s favorite Hello Kitty t-shirts and it sits in her cubby. With the bear is Anna’s school picture in a little frame. Mrs. Wilson has created this space for kids to connect with Anna if they want. I can usually find a couple of notes and drawings tucked in from students. I love that they continue to write her notes. I love that when I’m in that room I feel Anna. She loved being at Dilley and loved her classmates.

Both my girls had so many friends. I worry about them and I pray daily for their little hearts that are broken. I want to forever connect with these kids and be present in their lives. In doing so I will see my girls grow up. There will be so much that I miss, but if I watch Grace dance in her recital I will see Abigail dancing next to her. If I see McKenna swinging at recess I will see Anna swinging next to her. If I go to Girl Scout meetings I will hear Abigail’s voice in all the wonderful things they plan to do for other people. If I go to Rowan and Reese’s birthday parties I will hear Anna sing Happy Birthday to her friends.  If I hear Paige laugh I will hear Abigail laugh. If I play lava monster with Jacob and Michael I will see both my girls running away trying not to be tagged. I can go on and on listing the countless friends and experiences I want to have with them.

I wish my time wasn’t cut short. I wish I didn’t have to use my imagination.

I will say though that I feel my girls daily and I hear and feel God’s love. So here I sit, writing, and this afternoon I’m going to rock out to Taylor Swift because that is what feels right.

I’m going back to work today, I’m going to try at least.

I remember how nervous Anna was about starting school this year out at Dilley. She was very excited to be with McKenna, her best friend, but she was scared about starting someplace new. Everyday before school she asked if I would be teaching at Dilley that day, if so would find her and give her a hug and a kiss? Of course I would, this was going to be my new routine. I was so excited to finally be able to see her and be part of her school experience. I had been part of so many kids schooling and now I get to be part of Anna’s.

I remember feeling the same way about seeing Abigail everyday when she was at Joseph Gale. I loved that she would come see me at lunch or would jump out of line and give me a huge hug when I walked by her class. Being able to see my kids in school was the best. I love my job and having them be part of my day was wonderful.

At 10:45 today I will get to Dilley. When I get there I’ll park in the back parking lot and the kids will be at recess. This was our routine; I would park in the back parking lot and Anna would be waiting for me on the swings. I couldn’t wait for that hug and kiss, she was so proud to have her mom at school with her…I know this because she would hug me a hundred times while at recess with not a care in the world of who saw her. The whistle would blow and she would give me one last hug and whisper in my ear, “please don’t be late picking me up.” I was late one time by maybe one minute and she was never going to let me forget it. She would then get in line and I would walk into the building, always turning around at the door to see her giving me the I Love You sign and I would give it back. It was our thing.

At 2:45 I will look at my phone. This is the time Abigail would call me to let me know she was home from school. She never forgot, she always checked in. I would ask her about her day and she would give me the run down…good day, learned lots and would then ask if she could make a smoothie. I would say yes but remember a smoothie doesn’t involve ice cream, that’s a milkshake. I would tell her to make sure to do her reading and then the conversation always ended with I love you, I love you too!

There will be new routines today but I will never forget the old ones. I miss my girls.