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Heaven Day

rainbow heaven — Came out of our house this morning to this ❤

Last night I slept the entire night (which is not normal for me these days) and woke up feeling totally covered in prayer.

Thank you ❤

The anticipation of a day is sometimes the hardest when dates on the calendar have meaning ~ holidays, changing of a season, birthdays and Heaven Day.

Heaven Day ~ a date on the calendar that marks that we are another year closer to our girls.

The past 2 years have flown by…I truly feel like it was just yesterday Abigail was picking out Tom’s clothes for church and Anna and I were making waffles for breakfast. I’m grateful that those memories are still so vivid and that they feel so close.

I was told early on that year 2 was the hardest. We are through year 2 and I can say that it’s all been pretty hard. The longing in my heart for Anna and Abigail will never change and/or ease ~ never. What I can say is that in choosing to love, in choosing to celebrate their lives and take all of the focus off the negative and put it all on how beautiful my girls are (not were), both inside and out, keeps them here with us.

Shortly after they went to Heaven I had a tremendous fear that one day they would just go away. That I would have to say goodbye for good and that I would be expected to move on. My fear was that someone someday would say, “Susan, it’s time.”

I made a commitment to the girls and to myself that I would not do that, ever, I promised them that their legacy would be far-reaching and I would do everything I could to hold them tight for as long as we were apart. I am sure that in Heaven they have no expectations for me. As their mom I will always take care of them ~ I can’t imagine ever “moving on” from that.

On the morning of Oct. 20, 2013 I was proud of my girls for the young ladies they were becoming. I remember feeling so blessed to have such a beautiful, loving and caring family. I remember daydreaming about what they would do in their lives and who they would become.

This morning, Oct. 20, 2015, I am still proud but in ways I would have never imagined. Anna and Abigail have shown me what it means to truly love and to do so without expectations. They have been a light and a link to the Hope that we all can have through God.

One day there will be an Oct. 20th when we are all together in Heaven seeing the whole picture and feeling the purest of love and joy there is.

I can’t wait for that day!!!

Thank you all again for your constant love, support and prayers. We truly feel blessed by each and every one of you ❤

Sassy

Her teacher approached me first, said he saw her squinting a lot while he read to her class. I made an appointment and we went and had her eyes checked. She didn’t want glasses at first but after finding out that she only needed them while reading she decided it would be ok. She had fun trying on all the different styles, she looked good in all of them.

We talked about the responsibility of having them, not losing them and what she could do to ensure her success. “Mama, what if, when I take them off, I always put them in their case on your dresser?” We agreed this was a great idea and she stuck to it. She never once lost her glasses.

She wore them while at school, but she also wore them as “style glasses”. I am not sure if they were needed to cut down a christmas tree or while on a playdate but, nonetheless, she wore them and never complained.

I was proud of how responsible she was in taking care of them and I loved when she would run to grab them when they “went with her outfit” – I would tell her she was sassy and she would wiggle her butt from side to side.

Today I went back to the same eye doctor to pick up my glasses. I had an appointment last week and found out that, indeed, age does impact how well you can see. I don’t need them all the time just when I’m reading, just like Anna.

I sat down in the chair to get them fitted and my mind went right to my girl. When they took her glasses out of the case for the first time she put them on and checked herself out in the mirror. I did the same and smiled at the memory. I could sense her by my side whispering, “Mama they look good!”

I will always keep mine on my dresser next to hers for safe keeping and each time I pull them out of their case I will send a whisper to her in Heaven.

“Anna, your mama is sassy too!”

Fall 2010 ~ Our First Together

I really have no words to share other than I miss my girls. I’ve said a lot over the past 2 years about my grief, our journey through this life and about my faith ~ at the end of each and every day I just really miss my girls.

I really miss them!!!

We all had so much fun together!

Keep Loving

A week ago today 9 souls entered Heaven. I often (probably more than most) think about what that will be like ~ the transition from my earthly body to my Heavenly one and the hugs that will last for eternity. This past week, as we have been sending boxes of Love Rocks to Roseburg, I can’t help but think about those individuals that started their day as usual on Oct. 1, just like we did on Oct. 20, 2013.

I remember so many things about that time, they are my most vivid memories of my life when my family was under the same roof ~ memories I will cherish forever and ones that I know we will reminisce about once I enter Heaven. “Remember that time you both fought over who was going to stand next to the big pumpkin? Seems so silly now huh?”

This morning I received an email from a woman in Roseburg requesting Love Rocks. She wrote that she was concerned about her grieving community because people were planning to make a statement by picketing and openly carrying guns when President Obama comes to pay his respects to the families of those who were lost.

As I read her message I couldn’t help but weep and think about those new souls in Heaven. I couldn’t help but think of the joy and the unbelievable feeling of love that I believe carried them to where my daughters now reside.

Yes, terrible things happen all the time but if we keep our focus there we will continue to be trapped in the sins of this world and will not be able to truly live the life God intended us to live or love in the way he wants us to love. If I have learned anything these last two years it’s that focusing on the love diminishes the hate, the anger and the bitterness. Love does win and sharing love is one of the best things to do when your heart is breaking.

LOVE, that is the whisper I get everyday from my girls.

“Keep loving Mama and we promise it will be alright.”

I’m going to listen and do as they say, will you?

keep loving

Raw

Today one of my students asked me if my daughters were Anna and Abigail, “you know the girls that died in the leaves.”

My heart instantly hurt. I never say that my daughters died, never. I only say that Anna and Abigail went to Heaven, because that is what happened.

“Yes, Anna and Abigail are my daughters and yes, they went to Heaven.”

A couple of other students started talking about the worst night of my life with details they heard on the news or maybe overheard from their parents. I stopped them and let them know that if they wanted to know about Anna and Abigail and all of their wonderful qualities and gifts I would love to talk to them for hours about it all, but hearing the details from “the tragedy” of my life hurts my heart and I would appreciate it if they wouldn’t talk about it right now. One student decided that he wanted to continue to show the rest how much he knew of the story, my story. I stopped him and asked again politely with tears in my eyes.

He got it.

One girl asked if I was sad.

One student, a girl about Anna’s size, stood up and wrapped her arms around me. I held her tight and said thank you.

These young hearts have so many questions. I can’t make sense of my loss how could we ever expect these little minds to make sense of it all.

All I can do is be honest with them, answer their question and let them know when my pain is too great and I can’t talk about it. I will continue to share stories about my family, my life and our love story in hopes that they see that even in the depths of sorrow there is joy to be found. I will also let them see my raw emotion, because all of us are entitled to feel sad and to show that sadness to the world ~ even their PE teacher.

I shared with the class, “there isn’t a second that goes by that my heart isn’t sad and aching the loss of my daughters, I miss them so much. Daily I get a choose on what I am going to do with that sadness, today I woke up and decided to choose to come to work and teach you all how to play a really fun game, do you want play?”

They all yelled, “yes!”