Miracles Happen

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I’m sure many look at my loss and say that I wasn’t granted a miracle on Oct. 20, 2013 because my girls did not survive. I cannot change what happened that night, if I could I definitely would; what I can do is share the many miracles that have happened, and continue to happen, since the moment Anna and Abigail went to Heaven.

On Oct. 20, 2013 my girls went to Heaven without any pain or suffering ~ miracle.

On Oct. 20, 2013 they met Jesus, the son of God and he took them home ~ miracle.

On Oct. 20, 2013 I stood out in front of my house and Jesus whispered into my ear that my girls were ok and, even through my immense pain, I believed him ~ miracle.

On Oct. 20, 2013 a wave of peace came over me (and is still there) that surpasses all understanding ~ miracle.

On Oct. 23, 2013 two men, one young boy, a nine-year old, and a lot of other people, still to be determined, were given a second chance at life because of Abigail’s organ and tissue donation ~ miracle x many.

Since October thousands have prayed for our marriage (and continue to pray) and those prayers are being answered ~ miracle.

Through the past 8 months many people say “Anna and Abby” and think of Love and Joy ~ miracle.

Love and Joy is being spread in large quantities via a little rock with a fabric heart on it ~ miracle.

Many people are opening up their hearts to the Love and Joy that is only through Jesus ~ miracle.

Lastly, although I’m sure there are many more miracles, is my all time favorite and the one I can’t wait for. Through the love of Jesus, one day I will be in Heaven and I will get the best hug ever from my girls ~ miracle.

Is Your Mama a Llama?

They would want to watch just 30 minutes before they went to bed.

Anna would yell, “I call the rocking chair.”

Abigail would say under her breath, “You always call the rocking chair.”

I loved this time of night when we would sit and watch their favorite show that only was on for a short while, American’s Got Talent.

We would critique each act one by one.

Abigail would day dream about what she would do if she got the chance to audition. She would sit and sing the latest pop song while we watched adding “texture” to her voice which always made me smile. She had a beautiful voice and If you asked her what she wanted to do when she grew up she would say she either wanted to be an artist or a singer.

I loved that she had dreams and goals for her life.

Anna would call for the rocking chair on these special nights because it was “our chair” and we fit perfectly in it together.  We had spent years rocking together, starting with late night nursing sessions which eventually moved into late night reading sessions. Night after night I would read countless books to her. Among her favorites were; Jamberry, Clap Your Hands and Is Your Mama a Llama? I can still recite the words that I’m sure will forever be ingrained in my brain.

“Is your mama a llama?” I asked my friend Clyde. “No she is not,” is how Clyde replied. “She’s got flippers and whiskers and eats fish all day. I do not think llamas act quite in that way.” “Oh,” I said. “I’m beginning to feel that your mama must really be a…seal.”

The rocking chair now sits in her room facing the window that looks out over the tree.

I sit in it often remembering how it felt to hold my newborn in my arms. I remember thinking I wanted time to go by so slow. I didn’t want to think of Anna in the future or wish away any time that we had together. When Abigail came into my life I remember thinking the same about her until puberty hit and then I couldn’t wait till we were through it ~ just joking.

One day we would all be adults together and I didn’t want that time to come to quickly. I wanted to cherish every moment we had, even through the pre-teen phase.

Tonight I would give anything to hear Anna’s voice say that she has the rocking chair. I would love to see Abigail’s eyes roll as she tells her sister that she always gets the rocking chair. I would love to snuggle up with both of them and have my old life back.

I miss my old life.

rocking chair 1 rocking chair 2

Unfortunately I do not have any photos of Anna and I in the rocking chair. I do, however, have these photos of Anna using the rocking chair to climb into her crib. Priceless!

Fiercely and Unconditionally

wedding praying

The statistics are not in our favor. Eighty percent of all marriages end in divorce after the death of a child.  We are aware of this fact and we both see how what we have lost can impact our marriage in ways nothing else will. Like everything else though we get to choose which way this will go and whether the circumstance of our lives will strengthen us, or rip us apart.

It is not easy, grief and the reality of our situation makes everything hard. I can be smiling one moment and crying the next. I can be laughing and then in seconds be very angry at something that would never have angered me before. Sometimes I want to be comforted and other times I want to be left alone. I can be very critical  and I know at times I am not easy to live with right now.

Tom is so patient and so loving. He holds me even when I don’t want to be held. He is a wonderful father and he loves Jesus with all of his heart. He prays for me, for us and for our children daily. He feels a pain that I wish I could take away. He loves me.

I can honor Anna and Abigail in many ways; build a park, spread love and joy around the world through Love Rocks, start a non-profit and even create the most beautiful rainbow tree ever.

The one thing that will honor my girls and honor God the most though is to love, fiercely and unconditionally, my husband through this journey of ours. The bond that we have I know will strengthen, because our relationship does not just include the two of us. It also includes God, who brought us together 4 years ago when our paths crossed, and if we allow it He will strengthen us and make us whole again.

One day, we will all be in eternity together ~ this I know without doubt. Until that time I am going to love my husband fiercely and unconditionally for God, for us and for our girls in Heaven.

Today is our 3rd Anniversary and I am so blessed to have this man by my side through this journey called life.

I love you Tom Robinson!
tom and me

 

Holding Me in His Hands

morning reading

I find that when life is busy it tends to be the one thing I can easily push aside.

I make excuses that I need to get ready for my day, or check my messages, and then I’m out the door trying to manage my new life. Sometime I forget that it is only through Him that I get out of bed every morning and move through my day. I am ashamed that this is the case.

Life is busy, challenging and sometimes completely overwhelming but, through all that, my relationship with God is the one thing I should not put aside.

This morning while I was getting ready and thinking about my day I heard Him whisper, “spend time with me.”

I closed my eyes and envisioned my girls holding His hands, looking up at their Creator, and nodding their heads agreeing with what He is wanting me to do.

The peace that I feel, the assurance I receive every second of every day that my girls are in Heaven and the unbelievable joy that I have felt through my sorrow is only through Him.

I can look back over my life and see very clearly how He has been by my side and how He has loved me unconditional.

As I sat with my bible and read through all of Philippians it was very clear that He wanted to tell me something this morning.

I am honored to listen, blessed that He loves me so much and grateful that he is holding me in his hands.

 

Tired

Today was the first day in a long time where I’ve been home all day. It’s been so nice not to go anywhere and be in our space.

I’ve spent the day catching up on all that is happening in our lives now. Playground planning, non-profit ideas and keeping up with the Love Rocks Facebook page has kept me very busy on my day at home.

As I sat down at my desk to write in this space I realized that I’m REALLY tired.

What I am feeling is different than anything I’ve ever felt before and I can honestly say that being a single mom of a newborn made me pretty tired. Not only is my body tired but now my grieving mind is also tired. Putting forth energy to get through another day of grief is very taxing. If I’m not careful and forget to take care of myself (drink lots of water and eat healthy food) I start to sense total exhaustion. I’ve been told that total exhaustion is not pretty and may put me out of commission for a while. I definitely can’t have that happen, I have lots I need to do yet.

I’m trying my best to limit what I do and to not tax my systems to much.

anna and mama sleeping

 

I remember getting to about 4 o’clock each day in the summer and asking Anna if she wanted to watch a movie which meant curling up on the couch with me so I could take a cat nap to get through the rest of my day. Those naps with Anna were the best because when I woke up we were all snuggled together. I was always so amazed how we fit perfectly together.

Now as 4 o’clock approaches each day and I’m feeling tired I close my eyes and remember how it felt to fall asleep with her on my chest. I would give anything for one of those naps.