Can’t Handle It Alone

Fall 2014
Fall 2014

I woke up this morning and turned on the news…the first thing I heard from the newscasters was that today is the first day of Fall. I yelled to Tom and told him, his response was, “that sucks.”

“I know.”

~

I see them at the playground, Anna running around the play structure with her best friend and Abigail sitting on the picnic table with her friends. The air is starting to change, the leaves are starting to turn yellow and both girls are wearing things that keep them warm instead of tank tops and shorts.

The smell in the air is that of Fall, our favorite season. Abigail asks about Halloween decorations and whether or not we can really do it up this year and making it super scary. Anna sits at the table drawing pumpkins, hearts and houses ~one picture she entitled “Dream House.”

I find caramel sauce at the grocery store and buy it without hesitation. Apples and caramel are a favorite snack during this time of year. I look at the calendar and mark the weekends we can go to the pumpkin patch, weekends when our family is whole and all sleeping under the same roof. We pray that on those weekends there is good weather.

With the leaves changing colors our street changes shape. There is a rainbow made from the different colors hanging off the limbs that creates a canopy as your drive to our house, we can drive either direction.  Abigail is on the front porch trying to hang the giant spider, one of her favorite decorations. Anna begs to go see the even bigger spider on her teachers house, “you know the one that is eating the person and is on the way to Tami’s house.”

A crock pot meal is cooking and as we enter the house all of our mouths start to water. The house is cozy and we are blessed.

Fall is here and my heart hurts. These memories along with so many others from the Fall of 2013 are my most vivid and are sometimes the memories that hurt the most. I feel like it was just yesterday that Anna ran into the room to show us she could read a page all by herself in her favorite book. She was so excited, we were so excited for her. I long to hear her read the entire book, which I know she would be able to do by now.

Yesterday I sat in the landing, the room between Anna and Abigail’s bedrooms, with my eyes closed just remembering and re-living these moments over and over again. Tears, lots of tears came because when I open my eyes the reality of my life is always the same ~ they’re gone and what I have is only memories of a beautiful Fall day, crisp air, apples with caramel and girls excited about what they will be that year at Halloween, Anna a witch in a purple and black striped stockings and Abigail a zombie bunny.

We are preparing our hearts the best we know how but our favorite season is also our most difficult season and, like everything else, it will come and bring with it so many memories, both beautiful and hard.

I’ve been told often, and I have told others many times in the past, that God only gives us what we can handle. I always thought that was a comforting statement thinking that only the strong can endure great pain or loss.

I know now that this is not a true statement because I can’t handle this ~ no one can handle this or be expected to. I am not strong at all and for that reason I have to rely completely on God to lift me from my chair as I sit and cry, because I don’t see how this gets better. He wants me to rely on my faith in Him and my unconditional love for my girls to help me live this life. He wants me to lean on Him and when I do He holds me ~ He always holds me and reassures me of His love for me and for my family.

When I can’t bear the season that is upon us He reminds me that I have survived 702 days because I have relied on His love, His joy and His grace. I need Him because I can’t handle it alone, no one can.

I close my eyes and He brings me to a moment where my memories are the most vivid and He reassures me that even in the midst of my deep suffering there is joy. He shows me joy in these smiles that I will never forget and will always have!

Fall 2013

 

Happiness Journal

Today Tom and I spent the day in Portland with our oldest daughter. We had a wonderful time eating good food, walking up Hawthorne and talking about everything and anything.

Spending time with my family makes me very happy ❤

Trust

We decided about a week before the appointment we were going to find out.  With Fall approaching we were both needing to know some more details so we can connect with our little one. I found out with Anna and I felt that on that day we began our mother/daughter relationship. I wanted the same with this little one even though the surprise on the delivery day would have also been nice. We figured there would be a surprise at the ultra-sound or upon delivery….we chose the ultra-sound.

My pregnancy thus far has been seamless so I really haven’t had any reason to worry at all but since we’ve gone through one miscarriage (Feb. 2013) and now the loss of our girls we both were on edge till we saw our little ones heart beating on the screen.

Such a relief.

The technician moved the ultra-sound wand across my growing belly and there was a hand, another hand, hips (Tom thought that it was the face at first) and eventually 2 long legs stretched out, one kicking slightly.

We both were awe of this little miracle.

As the leg moved I felt the movement inside. It was amazing to see our little one’s movements and then be so privileged to be the one who could also feel those movements. I always try to explain to Tom exactly how it feels but I know that it’s hard to be the one that just imagines what that would be like. I do feel blessed and honored to be the one carrying our child and I don’t take that lightly…I have a job to do these 9 months and I do it with honor for all of us.

She measured and documented all the specifics the doctors need to determine whether or not we are right on schedule ~ Tom and I both silently prayed that everything is good, the baby is healthy and right where it should be.

A profile of a little nose, small lips and head, “it looks just like you Tom.” We both laughed.

We let her know that we would like to know the sex, she had no idea the implications of this moment for us or truly how deep our hearts were engaged with what she was about to tell us.

Many people in our lives have predicted we are having a boy ~I think they want that for us, something different from what we lost, something that wouldn’t be a constant reminder.

Tom and I have talked a lot about our hopes and dreams and always came to the same conclusion ~ we wanted a healthy baby, boy or girl.

“It’s a girl,” she said very softly.

My first thought was a relief, I know girls, I can do girls.

I then heard Tom quietly crying behind me and then the wave of fear came, “how will we do that?”

How will I hold this little girl and not see Anna and Abigail in her eyes, her lips or sweet nose and feel my loss over and over again? How will I hold her and not have my heart break into a million pieces? Little dresses, mix-matched clothes, hair pretties, baby dolls, art projects, dance lessons, a sweet little girl voice yelling Mama and Daddy ~ how will I do this?

As we walked out of the doctor’s office I asked Tom if he was “ok,” he said he just couldn’t stop thinking about Anna and Abigail and how much he missed them. That is why he was crying. I couldn’t stop thinking about them either ~ how were we going to do this?

We decided not to share with anyone for a while but rather let it all sink in, let God work in our hearts and show us His glory by giving us this little girl.

For the past 22 months, I have fully trusted God and there is no reason for me not to trust that He knows exactly what He is doing now. He has shown a kindness and love that I never knew was possible. He has stood by us, held us, comforted us, loved us and provided us with a peace that goes beyond understanding.

Starting about a month before Mother’s Day I would sit quietly and beg God to bring me home. I know the truth, I know that Heaven is where my girls are and I desperately wanted to be with them.  I trusted God fully and knew that in His timing I would go home but I figured a little begging may move that along a bit. I was ready because the pain and longing got too great.  I prayed this prayer every morning, “Please God don’t let my time here last forever, I’m ready now.”

On Mother’s Day (I know that His timing wasn’t a coincidence) He let me in on His plan, He needed me to stay because there was a soul that needed a mom and I was the lucky one. At that moment, as I stared at the pregnancy test, it all made sense; this little girl was always part of God’s plan for our family, she was a gift and she needed me here, our kids needed me here to take care of their sister and Tom needed me here so we could raise this little one together.

I can’t say for certain that holding this little one won’t break our hearts because of our loss but, to be honest, I can’t say that it won’t give our hearts exactly what they need to mend a bit either. This little girl is our family’s blessing and one we will never take lightly.

In December our little girl will arrive and will complete our family. She will be her own person, have a unique smile, a twinkle in her eye and have a laugh that is only hers. She will have her own likes and dislikes, she will have her own toys, clothes and will teach us so many things that we don’t already know about being parents. Like us, she will have an intimate relationship with Heaven and her sisters who live there, she will have a sister in college who is building a life for herself and will always be there for her and have a brother who will adore her and let her crawl all over him like a jungle gym.

She is our gift from God and we are blessed!

baby girl

Happiness Journal

rainbow door~Kid quotes from the first week of school~

“Teacher Susan I really want to hug you but I don’t want to hurt your baby.”

“I’m really sorry about what happened to your daughters.”

“Your hair is really messy.”

“I am so excited to have a girl PE teacher.”

“Are we going to play tag everyday.”

“Why are there polka dots all over the gym?”

“I love Love Rocks.”

These quotes plus many more made my heart happy this week <3.

polka

Brave

I want to write that this week was amazing, beautiful and everything I hoped my first week back at work would be.

Unfortunately I can’t write those words because they would not be true.

This week was hard, very hard.

Last year Tom and I left town at the beginning of the school year to take the sting away and not to subject ourselves to the pain we knew we would have while watching kids walk down the street that first week of school ~ something that was always so exciting and fun for our own family. This year I am immersing myself into that world ~ not sure if that was the best decision for my heart at this point.

I feel I’m pretty transparent so I kept my conversations with new staff to a minimum, in fear I would not be able to stop crying if I started~ something I very rarely do outside my home. Tom got most of my emotion and frustration in the evening or during one of our many phone calls this week. He has held me all week, checking in and reassuring me of options we have. I truly don’t know what I would do without him.

I knew diving back in would be difficult but I didn’t realize how difficult it would be. I haven’t slept much because I have a very active mind and when you add something, primarily stress, to it other things tend to creep in. Almost every night this week, typically starting at 1 am, I find myself going back in time and reliving my nightmare.  I can’t stay in this cycle because I know that it is not good for me or our new little one. We both need rest, a clear head and to stay as stress free as possible ~ something I’ve learned while managing my post traumatic stress.

So what now?

These next few months (ok, the rest of my days) will not be easy and I’m not going to pretend they will be. I have to remember always that I have a choice and, in making that choice, I get to decide what is healthy for me and for our family. I can’t say if going back to work is healthy or not yet, but what I can say is that I don’t want to give up just yet.

I’m not sure what will happen next week when the students come into the gym excited for another year of school. I’m not sure how my heart will feel when the 3rd graders walk through my doors ready to learn.

Anna would be in 3rd grade this year.

It seems like just yesterday she was nervous about starting 1st grade at a new school but excited that it was a school that her mama taught at. We walked down the hall that first day and she held my hand tightly, then, as we were saying goodbye, she whispered in my ear, “I love you mama, I’ll miss you.” She then walked to her desk, looked back and flashed me the “I Love You” sign, as she did every time I saw her at school.  She was brave that day and I was so proud of her.

Next week when my students enter the gym I’m going to focus on Anna loving that her mama is a teacher and on how brave she was when starting fresh in new surroundings.

I’m going to lift my head high, welcome my students and I’m going to be brave for my girl.
Walking first grade

That is all I can do.

Four More Sleeps

The count down would have started about a week ago. Anna would start asking how many sleeps till I start work and she gets to go to Tami’s ~ her favorite place in all the land <3.

Today I would say four more sleeps; and I would take a deep breath and realize our summer fun was coming to an end.

These were our sad faces on the last day of summer.
These were our sad faces on the last day of summer.

In four more sleeps I’m starting back at work. I have a new job teaching PE at an elementary school in our district, the same elementary school Abigail attended and where we first met. I will be teaching three days a week, grades 1-4. In the past I’ve taught Adapted PE and have traveled to every school in our district teaching kids with disabilities how to play. I loved my old job but always longed for a gym to call my own. I’ve spent the last week cleaning out the equipment room and working on lesson plans. This is a new adventure for me.

I’ve been told going back to work will be good for me by people who would like my pain to end.  My pain, whether I’m working or sitting in my house staring, will never end. I know that people just want to make things better, they can’t imagine so they try to fix it with their words. I’m here to say that after 22 months of living this life I know without a doubt that there is no fix.

I’m going back to work because I love teaching and I don’t want to lose my job. I’ve been blessed to have the past 22 months to focus solely on sharing love and joy, to begin learning how to survive with my children in Heaven and to figure out a new normal in our day-to-day life. I’ve been blessed by this time and I definitely don’t take it for granted.

There is not a day that I will wake and be grateful for “getting through” my loss. My grief will only end when I am in eternity in His presence and in theirs. I am surviving to the best of my ability and some days I do better than others.  Going back to work does not make my life circumstances “better” or mean that I am “ok” with my reality, it just means I’m making a choice to survive rather than hide.

My focus with my students this year will be love and joy (I’m sure that’s not a surprise). I feel blessed that I teach a subject that allows me the freedom to be creative and to teach life lessons. I want my students, all of my students, to walk out of my gym feeling loved and feeling joyful. I want them all to know that, no matter what, kindness is the key for success and being active can be a lot more fun then sitting watching TV or playing video games.

When Anna went to Heaven she was just learning how to read. When Abigail went to Heaven she was beginning skills that were prepping her for middle and high school. More importantly, when my girls went to Heaven they knew, without a doubt, they were loved and cherished. When my girls went to Heaven, we, along with so many others, knew that we were loved and cherished by Anna and Abigail.

It makes sad to think that there are kids out there that don’t know what my girls knew.

My goal this year is to make sure they do.

gym

Some see a gym, I see a big empty canvas. I think there needs to be a big rainbow on the back wall ~ what do you think?